When to panic?!

[Covgal83]

My FiL has very recently passed. Despite their age/health, v little was done to make any preparations for this particular eventuality. Obviously everyone is devastated - MiL is beside herself as can only be expected. At this point she doesn't want to go to her home (which is not near us or her daughter) and is temporarily at her daughter's house (teenage children and a husband who is feeling caught in headlights too). My dh is there so limited chance for us to communicate atm (Scotland - we're in the WM). There is discussion of her living temporarily between my SIL's and ours while arrangements are made (house sold and, I imagine, sheltered accommodation bought. I don't think she can live independently). And I'm panicking: I have 3 kids under ten and a job, but do most of the childcare as i work compressed hours. DH works v long hours and is often away. I am absolutely panicking because I don't know how I'd manage a week, let alone weeks practically let alone emotionally, but feeling awful for doing so! Any advice/experience/calming words?! Should I just take a big breath and see how things settle? Thank you.

I have no advice I'm afraid, but just wanted to empathise that this is one of my real fears. My DM is at an in between state at the moment - she has MCI (possibly tipping into early dementia) and is anxious and depressed, but she doesn't yet need care of any sort. However, if dad dropped dead tomorrow, then there's absolutely no chance that she'd be able to live alone. There's no sign that he will, as he's pretty fit and active - but he's an 80 year old with high blood pressure, so you really never know. I work FT and have two kids and live an hour and a half away, while DSis is the same and lives five hours away.

I don't really know how you prepare for the situation that you've found yourself in. I've thought of starting to look into assisted living options just in case, but don't know whether that should be near me or near mum - and given that mum has capacity for now, it feels deceitful to do that behind her back. But if I introduced the idea to her, she would totally freak out. And it might be a total waste of time - dad might well outlive her, and if he did die or become unable to look after her, it might be that she'd declined by then and would need a care home rather than assisted living.

I'm so sorry OP, I totally understand your panic, tbh. DM always told me to never ever consider having her living with me (she had the same with her own DGM), but I think she might feel differently now.

Does your MIL have money available? One thing I have found (through experience with FIL) is that it's relatively easy to find somewhere for respite care at quite short notice, so I wonder whether the same might be true of supported living? Might there be an option for a temporary stay in a nice supported living place, with a view to it becoming permanent if your MIL likes it? Does supported living have to be bought, or is it something you can rent (and would your MIL be able to afford that while the house is being sold?). Has your MIL given voice to any thoughts about long term plans, or is everything still too raw? And how's her own health and cognition?

Thank you so much for replying. We were in a similar situation as regards who was healthier. I wish we'd pushed a bit harder about preparation but - when there was opportunity - it was strongly rebuffed.

Thank you re renting in assisted living - that's something I should have thought of!

A lot of assisted living places can be rented. This is quite a useful search site https://housingcare.org/care-advice/housing-with-care/

Don’t panic if possible!
Reading what you've said about your situation I would say it’s impossible for your mother in law to live with you even on a temporary basis. You have three children under ten, a full time job and a husband (her son…) who often works away. This is a lady you don’t think can live independently.
Such a situation would be ghastly for all, including your children.
As you are asking for advice, mine would be to nip the very idea in the bud. You CouId set up a family FaceTime or zoom call, so that everyone can discuss the best way forward, and you can be calm and honest about how your husband and you can support his mum, and what you are unable to take on.

I feel for you too. Very difficult situation. I think greenbeanspinach is right to say don't panic, but do act. You need to speak to your husband to say that he will have to change working patterns for the duration of his mother's putative stay - WFH, fewer hours, no trips away. Be very, very clear about this - talk him through a daily routine if necessary so that he sees the reality.

This. Make it a family discussion and make clear your input is limited due to work, 3 children, doing lots of solo parenting etc. You aren’t being unreasonable as there are only so many hours in the day and this is a huge commitment. Plus you aren’t her child, if anyone should be pulling out the stops then it’s her own children

Was fil a carer for mil ?

From experience, renting is much better than buying sheltered housing/assisted living. It can be almost impossible to sell these thing on if your MIL needs to go into full time care, and the costs have to be met in full even if she is living somewhere else.

How old is MIL and is she in poor health herself?

We debated my DM coming to live with me after DF died and both my mum and I are so happy we never did it.

While she was elderly, she was actually in good health herself. All her friends lived near her. She knows the local town and has an extensive social network there.

If she had moved in with me she'd have lost all of that, her independence and would have had to put up with me and DH, we would essentially have been her world. DH is definitely not up for that and TBH neither am I.

It was incredibly painful and she basically hibernated for about 2 years. She then got going again and now is very busy socially, very independent and glad we didn't make any panicked decisions.

Thank you.

No. But - as she now admits - he pretty much did everything for her. So not officially, but yes.

Thank you. I do remember my Nana's being a nightmare to sell now you mention it!

She is 82 and very much not in good health. On the ball in the main, but physically not great. I think she should look to stay in her current area as she does have friends and relatives and all of the infrastructure required (doctor etc). She would like to be nearer one of her dc.

You need to have a very serious conversation with your husband, urgently. You have got to be on the same page from the start or this is going to get very messy. Is your husband under the impression that you are ok with his mother living with you?

A special response used on MN is required here

No is a complete sentence

How does no solve anything in this situation. Looking for solutions as a family....

DH works v long hours and is often away

If your MIL did come to stay temporarily, this would have to stop. Your husband would have to adjust his current workload in order to care for his mother.

Renting in Scotland favours the tenant. If DM takes out a rental agreement she need only stay one month and give notice where in England the agreements tend to be for a year with a break clause if you are lucky…
In my area of Scotland there are places to rent with a 9-5 warden from around £800 month. She can have carers attending her in her apartment as she would do at home.

No panic yet, but your DH, SIL and her DH will need to have some serious conversations in the next weeks and months. MILs needs will become more apparent soon. How will she cope with shopping, cooking, cleaning, DRs appointments, self care, laundry, banking, house maintenance like changing light bulbs and dealing with bins all on her own? Will she have some idea on this herself/preference either way?
I can see the benefit of her staying in her current area but would recommend moving her closer to one of her children. It's never fair, no. Going between houses sounds like a big no-no, you all have lives.
We were in a very similar situation, DMIL was obviously starting to have memory issues when DFIL passed away but they had stubbornly refused to do any planning for the future. Never in a million years will I submit my children to that sort of stress, the three years that followed nearly broke us before she got into a care home near us and we sorted out and sold her house. We lived the closest (2 h drive one way, the other siblings much further away), and after DFIL passed DH often had do drop everything and go there to help with one crisis after another, some not very serious, others life threatening. We had two children under 10 then and I worked full time.
MIL thankfully had a brilliant cleaner and a gardener who helped her above and beyond, same with neighbors. It was getting embarrassing really because DH and his siblings were in denial about her decline and increasing needs for many months. Just before covid DH thought he was having a heart attack with the stress of caring for her like a helpless child with a tummy bug for 48 hours. (She had forgotten to eat and drink properly and made herself ill.) I went ballistic and he finally saw sense, sorted POA and meals on wheels, key safe and hired carers, thank god we did because then we had lockdown. But her house had not been properly looked after for years and heating etc was starting to fail.
In hindsight her children all agree she should have gone into a care home much earlier.
Sorry about the essay. It's really crap.

I don't hear much of your MILs preferences for her future in all this. Does she want to come and stay with you? Does she even want to move areas? You say she is physically frail but mentally all there?

I think it's too soon for her to know - completely understandably. More inclined to leave current area and be nearer a dc, but that would mean leaving everyone and everything else which I'm not sure would make her happy. I think there are going to be months like this ahead and she's wanting to spend those months between dc's homes and definitely not at home (partly because she knows she can't manage - mainly for emotional reasons). I think everyone is right about my needing to be clear in the first instance that DH's 14/16hr days and regular trips away would need to halt - though I am worried about his job security in that instance. There are genuine reasons for his hours and he's the higher earner. I'm not convinced it's possible to avoid some form of her being with us/her dd for sometime. I can't imagine she'll enjoy being here - our day to day exhausts me!

This is for your DH to sort, he needs to talk to his employees and let them know the situation, he can then reduce hours and stay home potentially reducing the impact on you and the children.

I'm failing to see why your job should be compromised here, you will snap under the pressure.

If he simply can't then it's a no, or you sit down and arrange support in other areas of life, childcare (extra) cleaner, easy meals etc and take the hit on some extra costs?

Never in a million years will I submit my children to that sort of stress You probably will! You’ll get PoA sorted and so on, but when the time comes you’ll be completely unaware of the stress you’re causing.

If she says she wants to move nearer to her dc have you had a conversation with her about the realities of this?

Mine wants to move to my city. But is imagining lots of visits, cosy little chats with cups of tea, being taken out for lunch, trips to the garden centre, popping in with shopping. And that's living locally rather than with me!

The reality is she'd be hours away from her friends (so no one else to visit). I work full time, travel for work and have a child so I'm not popping in for cosy chats or to drop things off. I live in a whirl of non-stop activity. She has little idea what my life is like (she stayed once during the week and was horrified and never did it again!). She'd be isolated, bored and lonely.

Just a thought as well... has she stayed with you before? Just for a visit?

Mine has failed to realise that we go to a humungous effort a couple of times a year when she does come to stay. So everything focussed on her, favourite food, sedentary activities rather than being more active which is really difficult to manage with a young child around too, lots of sitting around listening to her talking endlessly about nothing.

I manage that a couple of times a year. I hate it, and it always feels like I've "lost" a weekend. She's imagining it would be like that all the time if she did live nearer to us. I know that there's no way we could practically do that, even if I wanted to - I don't, it would drive me insane!