How to talk about personal hygiene to FIL

[Mamoun]

My FIL has been a widower for over 10 years and he doesn't look after himself. His health isn't great and his hygiene terrible. He's got bad BO most of the time. I spoke to my husband who has a really respecting (loving but distant kind) relationship with him and can't see himself mentioning it / having the conversation. He worried that would crush him / his self esteem. I feel bad for him but someone he plays bridge with has made a very casual comment on how he should look after himself better... I think he should make an effort for the sake of his very minimal social life (and to be honest his smell deters me from spending time with him despite the fact that he's a very kind man).
Any advice on how to sensitively say that he needs to shower at least every other day?

does he live alone?

and this is a cop out spoke to my husband who has a really respecting (loving but distant kind) relationship with him and can't see himself mentioning it / having the conversation.

his father either needs some home support or if this is a recent development it may indicate a deeper issue at play

Does he see a Nurse, Doctor or Social Worker regularly if so perhaps you could ask them to mention it. Unless you are a very blunt person it would be a very tricky conversation. Could it be a medical problem or a tooth, gum health problem?

Does he change and wash his clothes often and properly, can you ask if he's managing OK.

Otherwise I think your DH may need to take the lead and have a quiet conversation, no idea how really, but better from him than some random person making a very pointed remark at some point. Some older people do lose their sense of smell so he may have no idea. Mention the house smells a bit musty or something and see if he can notice anything.

We're always asking how he's getting on and he is such a kind person but always very proud and hates that fact that he's getting old so he always says that he's absolutely fine. He has a cleaner coming once a week but that's the only help he'll consider. So she changes his sheets and helps with the house which is already something!
I think it's got to be either my husband or the gp. Actually the point of loss of sense of smell is probably right. The other day his dog had an accident inside and he hadn't noticed.

Thank you for your suggestions.

ah, that would definitely indicate possibility of neuro

have you been to his house recently? do you have contact details for cleaner?

Sense of smell gets worse as we get older. And we actually smell different (and to most tastes) worse as we get older. (2-nonenal). Washing and laundry will help but won't be able to change the root of the problem very likely. Soon enough your DH will be smelling the same! Something to look forward to.

Sorry I am not sure I get this.
I agree that we smell worse as we get older (very aware of this even in my late 30s) but my FIL's problem is deeper. He smells of someone who hasn't washed. His breath is bad too and I suspect he's got jock itch or something as he keeps scratching near his crotch through his trousers pocket (although I don't think that would smell it is just a reflexion of his lack of care for himself).
I see other people his age (inc my own parents) but he smells of BO, not old age.

yes that's not a natural result of aging, my 87 year old FIL does not smell (and I get close and hug and kiss him) but my dad (who was always a bit lax with hygiene) smelt a lot when he was late seventies. His breath was awful and he was always jiggling in his pockets but that was from a young age - grim.

Could you start with getting the cleaner to do a weekly load of washing? Unpicking if the body is dirty, or the clothes, or both would be a start.

Yes that's a good point. His jumpers are always filthy with stains...

I agree that we smell worse as we get older (very aware of this even in my late 30s)

wtf… late thirties and you think you smell worse because of your age???

There’s a sort of old lady/old man smell. Possibly lack of hormones so the sex related “i’m here! I’m available!” smells don’t happen. But this sounds way beyond that.

Bad breath needs a dental check up and visit to hygienist.

@MereDintofPandiculation
the op is in her thirties!!

My FiL is late 70s
I am late 30s and so is my husband. While I don't think at all I smell like an old person I have recently noticed that my our bedroom needs a proper airing in the morning - way more so than 10 years ago! It actually reminded me of stepping in my parent's bedroom in the morning...

bloomin heck

Yikes in your 30s having an issue like that,

need to explore if your sense of smell 🤔 is somehow deceiving you,
another words you are just thinking you smell something
when that is not the case,

Or
you need to explore to see if might have possible health issue going on
you don't know about it...

How would your late MIL have tackled the issue?

My mum started to neglect her personal hygiene as she got frailer and I took a straightforward approach with “I think you need a bath mum, do you want me to run you one” and “these clothes are a bit whiffy mum, shall I run a load through the machine?” Just very matter of fact, like discussing whether she wanted a cup of tea or coffee. She got a bit better but only really improved when she started having carers who help/“encourage” her and I never notice it as a problem now.

I get what you mean OP. I hit 40 and my body odour completely changed. It’s a constant battle to keep it Under control even with 2 showers a day and trying out lots of different anti perspirants. Friends have has similar and agree it must be a perk/menopause thing.

Is there any sign of dementia.
My mum had always been really clean but later in life had dementia and didnt wash or change her clothes. If I asked her if she'd washed she would reply 'of course I have'. I lived over 200 miles away so couldn't be there regularly. She would put day clothes over her nightie. Day clothes were stained and rarely changed. My Dad cared for her with regards food etc but buried his head with personal hygiene. In the end I got social services involved and they could see her nightie under the skirt and obviously the smell was apparent. Mum had a superb carer who won her round and came in to bath her (and wash her hair) twice a week, she would put dirty clothes in the wash basket, I never thought she would let a carer bath her, but they were brilliant. Could that be an option for you?

My FIL was like this from his mid-50’s, he honestly stank. My MIL would defend him, my DH wouldn’t say anything so I quite simply told him he needed to wash and change his clothes more than the once a month he apparently considered fine 🤢MIL was seriously affronted by this (not new, anything I did or said was wrong!)
He only washed if he was leaving the farm.

this

missing info… what was FIL’s response?!

Along with the worry about a mental decline such as dementia, is he depressed? Is he worried about the cost of electric/water and showering less?

Does he have soap, deodorant, toothpaste? Maybe give him a gift pack of these items- under the guise of a new brand you are all trying and really liked, and thought he might like some too.
I agree with speaking to the cleaner too. Maybe a deep clean is needed- bedding, curtains, carpets etc then to tackle the clothing. Esp if he has a dog, how clean is the house?

the cleaner washes his clothes - that should be enough to make him bearable - DH treats him to some new shirts, pants and socks.

My mil is having similar issues so dh and I have just been asking her when she last had a shower and then saying she needs to have a shower and why doesn't she pop along and we'll get some tea ready.
It's a case of managing it now and making sure she's doing it regularly.