Am I expecting too much

[Orangesandlemons77]

For them ever to ask how you are? I call and they tell me their woes and I help etc, but they never ask how I am doing / feeling?

It's horribly common amongst the elderly.

Tell them how you feel

I did, and they apologised. Then went back to same as before.

My experience is that a kind of tunnel vision tends to develop, as people become elderly their ability to keep all the cognitive plates spinning diminishes and they increasingly only have enough focus for their own needs and concerns. I don't think it's a deliberate selfishness.
I'm not saying it happens with everyone but I have noticed this reduced ability to empathize with others.

Unfortunately it’s common, I remember after my DM was sectioned I visited her in hospital and shE asked how I was? I nearly fell off the chair as she hadn’t asked this in about six years.

I know how you feel.

I have a family member who has always downloaded all her troubles and never ending health issues to me but never stops to take a breath and ask how I am.

It’s a case of “enough about me, but let me talk some more about me!”

Needless to say, I hardly ever phone her now and for sure she’s so wrapped up in her selfishness she wouldn’t think to phone me to ask how I am. It’s just so self-centred I can’t be assed with her anymore.

Im afraid it very common.

yes I think their world shrinks and some elderly people can become insular, my mum can ask how Is the family and beyond fine she isn't really Interested.

Unfortunately it is very common and I have seen it in my own DPs who are now very elderly.

They do care about the big things, so they are delighted DS has got an offer from the university of his choice, but they can really only process carefully curated short pieces of information that I provide. I guess to them all their health woes are big news as staying alive is their main focus.

It is a bit sad, but I've gotten used to it over the last few years. It only really hurts a bit if I need to drop a visit because I'm not well and they are more concerned about how it impacts them rather than anything else.

I don't think you are expecting to much to want them to take an interest I just think they have lost the capacity to care.

I agree with this, I think all you can do is have firm boundaries and make sure you don't sacrifice too much of yourself to them.
They may want to stay alive for as long as possible and get as much benefit out of it as they can .... but so do we!

Mother asks and is unwell and very elderly. Even if things aren't alright, I wouldn't tell her. What could she do and why would I worry her?

I'm ( in a way) taking comfort from this thread. I'm going through something horrendous at the minute and my parents have lessened contact and when we are in touch play ‘top trumps grief’ with no empathy at all.

They are very dismissive of my circumstances, whilst dramatizing their own or that of their (unknown to me, neighbours).

my parents have a lot going on health wise and mum also worries about worrying so I don't think she has the headspace to worry about anything else.

It's the transition period that is hard to comes to terms with.

For me it happened when DHs DB died unexpectedly in his mid 50s
I wanted to accompany DH to the funeral and asked DM who was mid 70s at the time if she could look after DS aged 8 for the night.

She said she couldn't get here because of the weather and then changed the topic - no discussion if we could collect her instead, or about DHs loss.

Luckily a kind friend was able to accommodate DS for his first sleepover instead, so it was ok. When I next spoke to DM she sounded almost gleeful that the weather had indeed been a bit windy.But it was like a switch went off in my head and I realised our relationship had changed to me supporting them, rather than the other way round.

What's with the ageism again? It's common for all age groups

@Flopsythebunny it’s unusual for people who usually care, and sustain two way relationships, to simply stop.

It’s not unusual for people to do that as they approach old age.

Someone has spoken to DM I think. She’s suddenly started a round of rather token ‘how are you/the boys?’ before starting her monologue.

She’s been having counselling and something must have stuck! 🤣

Its common for people in all age groups to be inward looking and not really care so much about what others are going through yes

But what the OP is describing, a previously caring, outwardly looking person becoming more inward looking and less interested in others lives can be more common in elderly people

I don't think its ageism to acknowledge the difficulties people can go through in coming to terms with the changing relationships with your parents as they age

And trying to pretend that discussing the issues that can arise is ageism helps no one in this situation

@dimllaishebiaith
👏🏻 Thank you for your calm and thoughtful explanation 🙏🏻

I didn't mention they were previously caring. they have always been like this but think it may be getting worse. I also get all the stuff about people I don't know as a pp mentioned too.

I have a lovely neighbour myself and she is 86 and always asks and knows more about me! But I try not to overwhelm her with my problems and we have a chat about both our stuff.

I think it's so hard. Mother was dependent on her own parents in many ways despite looking after them, she is now dependent on me. I get less bothered by it, because she has never given me anything emotionally. Whilst she asks, I don't think she's ever cared beyond how anything impacts her.

She was the Disney grandma to two wonderful grandchildren. She has no idea about dd's MH troubles, or ds's huge pre-marital fuck-up because if she knew she'd blame me or call them weak and it would be something else to hold against her far from perfect daughter.

Apologies to the thread. That was cathartic.

I agree that as age related cognitive decline starts they need all their brain power for themselves and literally don't have any spare for others.

As a PP said I wouldn't bother them with my problems anyway.

Exactly the same here - so inward looking and apparently disinterested in me and mine. If I didn’t message, ring or visit I doubt I’ve ever see them at all . They will interrupt conversations to tell me random stuff about neighbours I don’t know. It does upset me sometimes but I need to learn to let it wash over me for my own sanity .

Years ago, we came home from holiday to some upsetting news. A neighbour had been killed in a car accident and her daughter was on life support.
We went to visit my gran and said we had some sad news. We told her about our friend (gran knew the family well too)

’Unfortunately we have some sad news. dear neighbour has been killed in a car accident’ my Mum said.

Gran replied immediately with ‘ and Breads gone up a penny in the coop’.

End of conversation. It was odd.

I think it is common with anyone.
I had a lot of people in my contact list but i stopped texting and calling for a month.
Because i came to the realisation that it was always me doing the input.
So i stopped to see how many dead plants i was watering turns out i only had 3 true mates.
And them that i have seen about in town is always the same oh ive not heard from you ill give you call later never happens. my response is well theres 12 hours a day and it takes 30 seconds to send a text.
Then theres the me me me ones i blocked.

That's like my mum but tbh she's always been like that other than for DB1s family who have always been treated as gods.