I really want to know if I am the only one who has felt this way and the guilt and shame that results. As the title says and long story short my Dad has been in ill health for sometime and has taken a further decline since the New Year. Add into the mix a selfish sister who seems to have more empathy for strangers than her own family.
He is now 87 and is living with me after my Mum died in 2016. He was a long time heavy smoker until just before the first Covid lockdown when much to my surprise he quit cold turkey. Literally after decades of being sneaky about the habit and how much he smoked and half hearted attempts at quitting. For the last few years he has had little motivation for anything, his world has shrunk for many reasons and his temperament has got nastier. He has sat in his chair despite me urging him to take a little walk and stretch his legs and that he has to use it or lose it in terms of his mobility. He has ignored this advice and is now very unsteady on his feet as his muscles have wasted away due to old age and lack of use.
i feel in the last few weeks his mobility has got even worse and I feel so incredibly angry that due to not looking after himself with his smoking and him not making the effort to get moving I am now put in the position of caring for him. For example he had a hip replacement about a decade ago and couldn’t be bothered to do the exercises he was supposed to do afterwards.
Everything had come to a head this morning as the Doctor referred him to a Physio at the start of the year who came and visited today. Suddenly he can hear what she is saying to him and is very compliant and is promising to do exercises. The total opposite to anything I ask him to do, day to day he can’t hear me supposedly and anything I ask him to do and I mean simple tasks like have a wash is ignored or he has a tantrum and stops speaking to me.
Added to this I have a sister who is useless and selfish, always has been so goodness knows why I am always left surprised and disappointed by her. I knew it would end in tears but I felt quite emotional after the Physio’s visit and called her in floods of tears because she knows what he is like and part of me thinks why should I shoulder the daily burden by myself. I was in tears and in full flow and was met with indifference and silence at the other end of the phone which is nothing new so I am kicking myself about why did I expect a different result?
i told her I felt I was going fucking insane only to be told to mind my language as I was on loudspeaker and my niece who is 13 was with her. That was her response when I am feeling alone and distressed at the decline of our Dad and my fear about how bad are things are going to get and how long this situation could go on for? After this I put the phone down on her, I know she won’t apologise or be in touch because she has never apologised about anything.
I just want to know if anyone has any thoughts on how to deal with useless relatives at a time like this and how to control the anger that I feel at having to pick up the pieces because my Dad did not take care of himself all through his life. I have a small family and feel disillusioned with each of them but feel great guilt at the terrible thoughts in my head about why me? Why am I feeling so alone and in this situation? He wasn’t an abusive Father just not involved or particularly loving although growing up I tended to get on better with him than my sister did.
I know the old saying about if you think everybody around you is the arsehole it is you but I am so angry that my sister gets to life her life and not give a damn. Plus I am having to pause my life as Dads health declines because he has abused his body since I can remember and not paid attention after previous health scares or when given medical advice. I’m just feeling so angry and alone in a situation I did not cause or ask for.