Feeling very alone and angry and like a bad person

[stressedout24]

I really want to know if I am the only one who has felt this way and the guilt and shame that results. As the title says and long story short my Dad has been in ill health for sometime and has taken a further decline since the New Year. Add into the mix a selfish sister who seems to have more empathy for strangers than her own family.

He is now 87 and is living with me after my Mum died in 2016. He was a long time heavy smoker until just before the first Covid lockdown when much to my surprise he quit cold turkey. Literally after decades of being sneaky about the habit and how much he smoked and half hearted attempts at quitting. For the last few years he has had little motivation for anything, his world has shrunk for many reasons and his temperament has got nastier. He has sat in his chair despite me urging him to take a little walk and stretch his legs and that he has to use it or lose it in terms of his mobility. He has ignored this advice and is now very unsteady on his feet as his muscles have wasted away due to old age and lack of use.

i feel in the last few weeks his mobility has got even worse and I feel so incredibly angry that due to not looking after himself with his smoking and him not making the effort to get moving I am now put in the position of caring for him. For example he had a hip replacement about a decade ago and couldn’t be bothered to do the exercises he was supposed to do afterwards.

Everything had come to a head this morning as the Doctor referred him to a Physio at the start of the year who came and visited today. Suddenly he can hear what she is saying to him and is very compliant and is promising to do exercises. The total opposite to anything I ask him to do, day to day he can’t hear me supposedly and anything I ask him to do and I mean simple tasks like have a wash is ignored or he has a tantrum and stops speaking to me.

Added to this I have a sister who is useless and selfish, always has been so goodness knows why I am always left surprised and disappointed by her. I knew it would end in tears but I felt quite emotional after the Physio’s visit and called her in floods of tears because she knows what he is like and part of me thinks why should I shoulder the daily burden by myself. I was in tears and in full flow and was met with indifference and silence at the other end of the phone which is nothing new so I am kicking myself about why did I expect a different result?

i told her I felt I was going fucking insane only to be told to mind my language as I was on loudspeaker and my niece who is 13 was with her. That was her response when I am feeling alone and distressed at the decline of our Dad and my fear about how bad are things are going to get and how long this situation could go on for? After this I put the phone down on her, I know she won’t apologise or be in touch because she has never apologised about anything.

I just want to know if anyone has any thoughts on how to deal with useless relatives at a time like this and how to control the anger that I feel at having to pick up the pieces because my Dad did not take care of himself all through his life. I have a small family and feel disillusioned with each of them but feel great guilt at the terrible thoughts in my head about why me? Why am I feeling so alone and in this situation? He wasn’t an abusive Father just not involved or particularly loving although growing up I tended to get on better with him than my sister did.

I know the old saying about if you think everybody around you is the arsehole it is you but I am so angry that my sister gets to life her life and not give a damn. Plus I am having to pause my life as Dads health declines because he has abused his body since I can remember and not paid attention after previous health scares or when given medical advice. I’m just feeling so angry and alone in a situation I did not cause or ask for.

@upanddowns

I'm especially angry today because tomorrow I've got to take her to a hospital appointment miles away

who says you ‘have’ to? What’s stopping you from booking a taxi to take her?

Look, you have agency in this. You can say no. You can put alternatives in place. No one is holding a gun to your head here. You cannot stop your mum from being the person that she is, you can only control how you react to her. And you can react by saying ‘sorry mum, that doesn’t work for me’.

you don’t sound like a stupid, selfish teenager to me : you sound like someone who has been trained from childhood to meet your mums every need and to treat her like some helpless princess. That’s hard conditioning to break. Ever considered therapy?

First of all, I am sorry you are dealing with this. However, you have agency here and are coming across as a martyr, sorry. Your sister is entitled to make choices re her involvement in your dad’s care. As are you. If it’s not working for you any more, stop doing it. Dont sit waiting for your sister to step up while you get more angry, she isn’t going to.

@MereDintofPandiculation that's a good idea re crochet. I'll start taking my knitting with me. I did put the music on, just quietly. She just chatted away all the way there and back, but it was better than expected.

The thing is there's no one else to do it. The hospital was too far away to take a taxi, neither of us could afford it.

I've had plenty of therapy, I do find it difficult to say no to her, but I'm working on it. It's just sad because she probably thinks we're the best of friends, but I'd be happy to just see her for a cuppa once a month.

I empathize with your feelings, OP. My Dad (85) doesn’t live with us, mainly because I realized that moving him in would end my marriage. He’s a very difficult person with lifelong MH problems, yet, like others have commented, he can be absolutely charming to people when he wants to be! I’m his emotional rock though so I get blamed for everything , sworn at, threats of harming himself when he’s feeling down, etc., with the odd flash of niceness thrown in!

I agree with PP’s that Age UK is a good place to start, explain that you’re not coping with his needs and they can put you in touch with social services (or you can contact them directly) to get a care needs assessment. He may also be eligible for Attendance Allowance as his mobility is poor ( and he may have other health conditions).

@upanddowns Has your Mum been assessed and/or applied for Attendance Allowance? My Dad was awarded it as he has multiple health conditions and he often uses it for taxis to hospital appointments.

@upanddowns if you weren’t there, how would your mother get to hospital? that’s the way I’d look at it. she would manage most likely. I think “trained” adult children often step in when the parent is actually capable enough.

However I get that it’s difficult to step back, everyone’s circumstances are different, and only you can decide what you will or won’t do. and of course sone parents are more difficult (or abusive) than others so I guess it depends there as well.

but if a parent is affecting our mental health we have the right to step back. nobody, unless there are v unusual circumstances, can “make” us visit or do more than we want to. We have a choice too.

I myself am stepping away more. It’s not easy, I’m using excuses (my health or busyness). As she’s a narcissist she picks up immediately on any changes and lack of fuel from me (she is just interested in attention and services from anyone). But slowly my outlook is improving as a result. She will have to get used to the “new normal”. She’s getting less attention (which is all she wants rather than genuine care) - but that is actually her fault, that’s on her, her actions have consequences. Even if she can’t see that I can - and my reality trumps her manipulative displeasure.

It’s so hard OP. Very hard.

You need help.

Does your Dad get Attendance Allowance? It is not means tested and can be spent on anything that makes his life easier. So, his share of the household cleaning in the form of a cleaner for example!

Or someone to come and help him shower etc.

If his mobility etc is now poor, have you asked Adult Services to do a needs assessment?

In truth, at 87 had he lived a model healthy lifestyle he could still be getting frail, and increased vulnerability makes many older people very cranky. IME.

It is really hard.

Sadly you can’t get your sister re-programmed but it’s OK to vent and rant… and it’s ok to look for support.

It is also OK to acknowledge that you can’t cope and residential care may be needed. That is where a needs assessment by Adult Services can help. You need to tell the social worker that your MH and wellbeing is suffering too

AgeUk are v helpful, have a look through their website.

And 💐 to you.

It is also OK to acknowledge that you can’t cope and residential care may be needed.

Exactly, @TempleOfBloom My Dad is in supported living ( has his own flat but with help available onsite) and he loves it. He’s made friends, goes out to church and activities, and has the right balance of privacy and social opportunities.

I think sometimes we assume that living with family is best for elderly parents, but often it’s not.

People are very harsh and black and white at times on MN.
Yes you ultimately have a choice over whether to continue looking after your father but you have got stuck in this awful position from kindness and decency yet some here seem to see that as a deficiency and want to blame you for that.
Ignore them.
I think you have to write your sister off as a person who will be zero support to you.
Decide your own boundaries whether that means your father has to move out or if you want to play some part in his care at all.
If he is being horrible you do not owe him unlimited devotion.
My own father was a hateful monster and I left home at 18 and had very little if any contact. When I was 21 he got terminal cancer and I took time off and nursed him through his final 3 months. This was because I wouldn’t leave anyone on their own with cancer and also in part because I needed to take the moral high ground for my own reasons.
But I would never have cared for him in any other longer term circumstances and it was like a ton weight off of my back when he died because I felt so much happier that he was no longer in the world.
Appreciate your father has been nowhere near as terrible as mine but just saying a blood relationship does not mean a relation is entitled to anything from you.
Sometimes you get what you deserve.

Yes my mum gets AA.

@upanddowns Encourage her to use it on the occasional taxi!

@upanddowns

I first posted on here with a question about hospital transport and feeling obliged to drive my DM to Big Hospital in another county. And received loads of helpful advice - I didn't drive her there in the end!

Just because you're an only child doesn't mean it's all on you. I have a sibling but he's further way than me plus is very busy . That doesn't mean it's all on me either. Think about what would happen if you had a physical reason you couldn't drive her there - broken leg, flu, unable to get time off work, car broken down etc.

Hospitals have patient transport for the many people who don't have someone to drive them to hospital. Even if that isn't available - it wasn't in our case as a different county - many communities have volunteer drivers, dial-a-ride or friends or neighbours around. And there are taxis which can be paid for with AA.

My DM, after much moaning, complaining and emotional blackmail (see username!) about why I wasn't doing it, eventually had a great day out with a younger friend who is 'active retired'. Drove over to the hospital, did the appointment, had lunch in a garden centre on the way back.

She's already started her emotional
blackmail campaign for me to drive her to this year's appointment! But that won't be happening.

She moans about patient transport because they take a long time and she's exhausted at the end of it, makes me feel like a bad daughter. She won't spend that much on a taxi, she needs the AA just to afford to live.

We're mostly all bad daughters in here .

Of course she prefers you driving to taking hospital transport. It's easier for her. But it isn't easier for you.

Think about it another way - her relying on you to do this and other things means there's no resilience. At some point you won't be able to do it for reasons outside your control (broken down car, illness, other commitments etc) and she won't know how to use an alternative. Encouraging her to use an alternative now builds her confidence and makes her more resilient in the long run.

@upanddowns Your Mum being difficult, isn’t she- as @EmotionalBlackmail says, what if you simply couldn’t take her?!

My Dad takes a mixture of taxis and community transport. He likes the transport as he gets to chat to different people-as I said, he can be charming when he wants to be!

It’s definitely slower so he makes it a day out, has lunch at the hospital restaurant and chats to the staff there as well.

Writing this makes me realize that he does have his good points, it’s just that he takes out all his problems on me-the joys of being an only child. 😂

The thing is, she acts as if she's reasonable and just disappointed.

There are all sorts of different problems with elderly people. I've realised I've never liked being told what to do by her, probably why I'm so resentful. If you asked her I'm sure she'd be convinced she's done nothing wrong. If I raise anything with her she cries, always has done.

@upanddowns Grrr, emotional blackmail at its finest. Stay strong, we’re all doing our best. 💐

Thank you, you too

Your sister ought to be kissing your feet for shouldering the massive burden of your dad's assistance/care/living. What a fucking bitch. And to pretend that her 13yo hasn't heard the word fuck. What a cow. I'd go very low contact with her and take decisions regarding your dad unilaterally. Has he got the money for a sheltered living apartment/would he consider residential care? TBH though, at 87, he could really drop dead at any moment - and mobility problems (and a huge number of other health problems) are par for the course. You could keep him with you and apply for anything he/you might be entitled to such as attendance allowance? Lots of people on here have been through terrible struggles with elderly parents. Our country isn't set up to give help where it's needed at that stage of life. The burden falls heavily on family members, who often already have their plates totally full and are stressed AF.

Your sister ought to be kissing your feet for shouldering the massive burden of your dad's assistance/care/living. What a fucking bitch.

No, she shouldn't. Maybe she's a horrible person, maybe she's not. But she made her own choice and OP made hers. There's nothing to say that the sister forced OP to take in her dad. She's not responsible in any way, unless there's a drip feed to come.

My mum wanted to live with my brother or me after she had her stroke. We both said that it wasn't possible. And it wasn't. My brother's house is tiny so there was no room for her to move around in her wheelchair. My mum hates his wife's guts, so how could it possibly be an option? I lived two hours away, was in full time work, and my house was also unsuitable. She ended up in an extra care flat, and that was that. My brother visits weekly and arranges her shopping. I make the trip regularly. They're purely duty visits.

If either of us had taken her in, we'd have done so knowing that the other wanted no part of it. Because it would have clearly ended in tears.

I've been the sister in this circumstance.
Parents favoured my brother in childhood, teens, 20s, etc I am now 54 and that's not going to suddenly change!

My brother naively took on caring for my dad. I did initially raise some points but they were dismissed. How I felt about my dad had absolutely nothing to do or the power to change that he was a miserable sick bastard and nursing him would be hard
. I did feel sorrow for my brother but separate to that is my day to day life and whether that was busy or not, if I was on speaker or not, my bro blaming me just made me head further away from a positive relationship independant of our parents. I think of him now like an old ex work colleague.

I hope your dad gets the help he needs and you can reclaim your life.