Elderly Father insists no funeral

[Lesr98]

He says it’s a waste of money and so we’ve found somewhere that plant a tree in a love one’s memory instead. This is fine but I was thinking if someone could say a few words, talk about him, his life, etc.

Is this a celebrant? Or do they only go to crematoriums? There won’t be that many of us but thought it nice to celebrate his life. Has anyone done this?

Is there a reason you want a celebrant to talk about him rather than you and his family and friends talking about him?

My Dad wanted and got a direct to crem funeral and we didn't want to know where or when it took place. Apparently they were going to spread the ashes in the crematorium gardens.

We had all chatted about it before he died. It was exactly what we all wanted and none of us regret it.

When we reminisce about my Dad we chat about him when he was alive. I'm glad we don't have a funeral to 'remember'

Y whole family are doing direct to crem funerals with no service or ashes.

You can organise it online.

I think funerals are for those left behind. Do what you feel you need to do to say your goodbyes.

Mine had a direct cremation and the independent funeral director was considerate and caring. The ashes were returned to us, and we are going to do a scattering and memorial as a family in the summer.

That is such an arrogant attitude. If a person does not want a funeral or any memorial get-together, that should be respected.
The 'funerals are for the living' attitude is just selfish

Wow! unbelievable. You are controlling if you are happy to ignore the wishes of your family.

Again, just because they are dead, why should you go against their wishes and beliefs?

The arrogance and selfishness of some on this thread are breathtaking - prepared to ride rough-shod over everyone else's needs, but their own

I am really sickened by what Mumsnet has become and how the AIBU culture has pervaded the whole site and people are ready to argue for no good reason at the drop of a hat.

OP has asked a relatively simple question about experiences with direct funerals and for some advice.

Mostly her question has been ignored and the thread has turned into a bunfight, with some breathtakingly rude tit for tatting amongst posters arguing about funerals generally.

This is not even in AIBU. This is a question posted in the correct topic which does not need to be hijacked by Mumsnetters behaving badly. Why does it even need saying??

My husband had a woodland burial. About 100 of us walked through the woods to the burial plot. A tractor and trailer pulled the coffin. We played lots of his favourite music and all had reminiscences together. Then we took over the village pub.
it was the closest I could get to him suggesting “ just put me in the wheelie bin “
he would have loved to chat to his friends who came from all over the world.
It did make me realise that I should chat to my friends now , not leave it too late

Couldn't be arsed with me while I was alive? Don't bother coming near me when I'm dead, pretending you care, with your faux grieving! I t can be an immense comfort to the bereaved to see so many people who at least cared enough to come for the funeral

Our family are spread out. Of course those of us near here will reminisce. But the more far flung elements of the family will want to come to the funeral. We don’t see them enough normally to reminisce with them, a funeral provides a focus. And now weddings are paid for by the couple as a party for their friends, funerals are about the only event where families come together. Why does this matter if the family isn’t part of your everyday life? Because families are still there, whereas friends who drift away cut links entirely.

I want a direct cremation and have stated such in my will. I've also added I don't want a wake.

That’s awful and so disrespectful. Why would you deny the last wishes of your loved one just so you can have a party? Choose what you want for your own funeral.

to answer the OPs question, a celebrant would do this for you. but equally you could do this yourselves by asking everyone to come with a memory or a word that sums up your father.
I can understand the want for direct cremation - its cheaper, its simpler, its no fuss. But I do wonder what the effect on grieving will be? A funeral is a chance to mark a death, to hear what a good person they were (or if not, hopefully have that handled well) and to ritually say goodbye, gathered together with family and friends. if that doesn't happen, will it make the bereavement journey harder in the long run? I hope not but will be interested to see what happens as the number of direct funerals rises.

Rather controlling of you to insist on how things are done after you’re dead. If I was your relatives I’d ignore everything.

And you'd be paying for it out of your own pocket, of course, not taking the cost out of your deceased relative's estate.

For what it's worth, just to present a different view to the many here who say that funerals are for the living: I believe the soul who is departing is aware of what is going on after their death. This is part of the Buddhist and Hindu teachings I try to follow. I believe that the soul looks on, and that it can be grieved if it does not like what it sees. If that soul is not pleased, there is a negative impact on the living relatives. How keenly I felt my Dad's presence after he died! And my Mum after she died! They were present!

Except a lot of people attend funerals because they feel like they have to, not because they want to. It's obligation, and I agree that it's often fake.

I dread having to have the conversation with my parents about funerals. I will honour what they want, but funerals cost a shitload of money.

Hopefully you have also stated it elsewhere because your will won't be read until after you are disposed of.

This is something that concerns me, I want to ensure that I go where I have always wanted to end up but need to find someone that will respect that.

Funerals are for the bereaved living. It's ultimately up to you what you do.

The deceased might want a coach and four black horses with black feathers but the living might not have the money, nor want to spend it if they had.

That's why it's up to the living relatives to decide.

That's a lovely compromise. 💐

Agreed.
My dh will get the funeral that I want and if i die first he can give me the funeral he wants
Once I'm dead it makes no difference to me.
My only stipulation is that I'm cremated because I'm terrified of being buried alive.

Just echoing what so many have said here about funerals / wakes / celebrations of life etc. being for those left behind, not for the person that has passed away.

I can completely understand someone wanting to dictate what happens to their body after they've died, but I don't really think that they can dictate how their loved ones will choose to remember them.

Part of the grieving process is around having closure and saying goodbye, remembering the good times and being comforted by friends, family, the community etc. I think that it's really important that this element isn't taken away, or that loved ones are not made to feel that they are not respecting someone's wishes by wanting to celebrate their life and mourning for them.

And at the same time, in my family, it has been the occasion for family members to see each other again when distance had stopped a lot of that. Just like weddings tbh.

Eg my mum got back in touch with her cousins after a funeral. They had stopped being in touch with each other when my parents moved abroad. No Internet at the time and they lost touch.

I won't disrespect his wishes, it is the last thing you can do for someone. I on the other hand want a full Catholic funeral, received into the church the night before, full mass on the day. I do hope my wishes are respected even though my children aren't believers.

@MereDintofPandiculation

It can be an immense comfort to the bereaved to see so many people who at least cared enough to come for the funeral

@betterangels · Today 11:38

Except a lot of people attend funerals because they feel like they have to, not because they want to. It's obligation, and I agree that it's often fake.

Yep, what you said @betterangels Fake and showy. Never bothered with the person when they were alive, but come to show their face when they die. No thanks.