Elderly Father insists no funeral

[Lesr98]

He says it’s a waste of money and so we’ve found somewhere that plant a tree in a love one’s memory instead. This is fine but I was thinking if someone could say a few words, talk about him, his life, etc.

Is this a celebrant? Or do they only go to crematoriums? There won’t be that many of us but thought it nice to celebrate his life. Has anyone done this?

In my opinion it's your last chance to honour them by meeting their wishes but I can see how those surviving family and friends might want a supported mourning event.
I don't see how these two things should not both happen either. A memorial or a wake is not part of the funeral service.

Mums total funeral costs were £8k - £7k for the fairly average cremation and service (no cars etc) and £1k for a fab party. She would have been horrified it was that way round.

With the best will in the world, he will never know how you choose to mark it. Do what brings you comfort.

Funerals / memorials / celebration of life / service of thanksgiving are for the living not for the dead.

I would absolutely respect and honour a relative’s final wishes.

I had a direct cremation for dh, I couldn’t sit through his funeral.

Ill be having one too.

My dad left his body to medical science, so when he died in hospital, his body was taken to the particular department that deals with those things. There was no funeral - no coffin, flowers, undertaker, etc. The hospital offered to conduct a service for friends and relatives, so we did that then had drinks and a buffet at a local pub. My husband and I have both signed up for body donation.

I would imagine that the place that plants the trees could suggest a celebrant or someone else who could say a few words?

Or maybe you could ask the people you'd invite to witness the tree planting if they'd like to say a few words - other relatives or friends?

My Aunt chose a direct cremation but her family gathered for the day in a country pub a few months later to remember and chat about her. That was lovely. There was food and a few drinks, very convivial - but none of us went to her cremation and there was no formal ceremony anywhere.

An old friend of mine was cremated today. Only a couple of people went to the actual cremation.

In summer he will be having a party to celebrate his life. This means all the kids he knew including my DD can come and run around.

Another friend of mine, who was nearly half a century younger, had something similar a few years back.

Several years ago I left, with my only child consent, my body to the local teaching hospital. Recently, they wrote to say that they no longer wanted bodies for their students to practice on.

My next preference was for a cremation with no one present. I've never been to a party I've enjoyed, I'm not going to choose to have one when I'm dead.

The proviso in all this, is that my adult child does whatever she needs to do. And she's aware of this wish.

I will not be there, the funeral, whatever form it takes, is for the living. So, opening poster, if it comforts you to have a celebrant there, my advice would be to do.just that.

Are you having a laugh?! 😆 I hope this is a joke/wind up post.

Yep! No funerals here! We are going for direct cremations. (Me and DH.) Our DC don't mind as they say they can't bear the thought of going to our funeral(s) anyway. Plus, us having direct cremations takes the financial burden off anyone when we're gone.

CBA with a funeral. I have few people in my life who I love and care about, and vice versa. About 18-20 tops - incl, DC and their spouses, DC's spouses parents, and siblings (one each,) one cousin, one aunt, and my cousin's DC, and maybe 4 or 5 neighbours and 3 friends.

I am not having a funeral where dozens of people turn up just to show their face, (like people in my village who say hello but don't show any further interest, work colleagues who are OK but not the type of people I would associate with outside work, (apart from just 2 who I get one with OK and have the odd coffee with,) or extended family and old friends and acquaintances who have had fuck all to do with me for 20 years or more.) Couldn't be arsed with me while I was alive? Don't bother coming near me when I'm dead, pretending you care, with your faux grieving!

The people who know me well/are in my day to day life are aware that I am not having a funeral - or DH, and they don't mind/don't care. They show me enough care and attention and love now while I am alive. They don't need to 'prove' how upset they are at some bloody costly funeral where they won't even know half the people turning up, as these people they don't know have not seen ME since 2001, or they don't have anything to do with me in my day to day life!

Respect your father's wishes @Lesr98 He has his reasons for not wanting a funeral!

Wow, what a breathtakingly rude post. Having a bad day are you?

No need to take it out on people on here. Good grief.

My DH has thought of that and been clear, direct cremation, no scattering ashes, no wake, no memorial. He knows it upsets me but he is adamant.

Seeing that the issue fir your dad is the money, I’m pretty sure he’d be happy with a memorial service or simply ‘meeting at a pub to celebrate his life’. Or as you say plant a tree and have a celebrant there.

I agree that these ceremonies are about the living if the deceased didn’t believe in god etc….
And that’s just as important.

When my atheist Father died fifteen years ago, he was cremated, we knew he did not want a religious ceremony, so we hired a wonderful "celebrant" And had a "humanist ceremony". We chatted to him about dads life and character, Gave him all the highlights. He made some notes and duly spoke at the crematorium, He made it very special for us, he wove our memories of dad into a moving and amusing life story. He was a lovely man, with a gentle voice, it was as though he knew our Dad. It felt right.

This. I can't bear funerals where people go on about how wonderful the person was when they slagged them off in life and / or didn't bother with them. Definitely not having any of that hypocrisy.

My direct cremation is paid for. My family know my wishes and are in complete agreement.

They can have a bit of a do if they want but no funeral.

I have to say I do hate this type of thing. My mum is.set on deciding on what's going to at her funeral. I keep reminding her that she won't actually be there!

Dictating that "you" don't want a funeral is unfair. The funeral/wake is not for you, It's for the living. It's their opportunity to say goodbye and process the death and start to grieve. Denying them that is odd (as you won't be there!) and very unfair.

I don't care if my "wishes" are followed as I'll be dead. Not will you. You'll be dead. You won't know.

Absolutely fine for you to have this wish with your body.

But let your family find their own way to grieve you. Perhaps a meal together or something. Don't make them feel that they are wrong if that is what they want or NEED to do.

I'm a funeral director and I couldn't agree more.

Just make sure that the companies you use for the direct cremations treat you or your loved ones with respect. Because the ones you see on your telly don't. Heard all sorts of people going straight from hospitals. Cremated remains left on door steps , lost, delivered to the wrong place. Put in a bag.

Independent funeral directors offer the same service for similar costs. You can save money and heart ache but still have dignity.

@Iwasafool

"My DH has thought of that and been clear, direct cremation, no scattering ashes, no wake, no memorial. He knows it upsets me but he is adamant."

That's really horrible of him. Tbh I'd be telling him that I wouldn't be honouring that I'm afraid. What's he going to do about it?!? Funerals are for the living. It's horribly cruel to deny them the opportunity to process the death and grieve if that's what they want/need to do. Why would he want to do that to his loved ones? Just tell him no.

Funerals do cost a shit load of money. I’m inclined to agree with him. Would any of the mourners be able to say a few words? Or I’m sure you could get a celebrant - ask your local funeral director for some names of people they use and see if any are interested. I reckon this kind of thing will get more common.

My parents have already sorted out direct cremation for each of them when the time comes. No funerals. I don't think it's what I would have chosen for them, but I will respect their choice.