No future planning and now crisis

[disappearingfish]

SIL is 83 and her health, mobility and balance have been deteriorating steadily over the last few years. She has resisted any real interventions, just the bare minimum of adaptations.

She fell this week and spent 6 hours on the floor before the paramedics came to get her up. Now she's frightened of being alone and she's taken to ringing everyone in her address book and guilting them to coming over to fetch and carry for her, pressuring them to stay overnight. It's a flipping nightmare. DH (her brother) is her only local family so is being run ragged, guilted all the while she refuses to use the new electric recliner chair, the new accessible bed etc. etc.

She does have a carer but she's only supposed to pop in a few times a day and she's done nothing about any other care. She's off her head on meds half the time (including stashes of pills she's ferreted away which are years past their expiry date). She's shouting at everyone who doesn't jump to attention, including the doctor and DH. Her lovely kind neighbour has been in tears at the abuse she's had. I get that she's frightened but my god it's hard.

There's no LPOA or anything else in place that can enable people to make decisions in her best interest. Her children live far away, have their own lives and families and are doing their best. No real point to this post but just had to vent. We saw this coming years ago and have tried and tried to tackle it but she wouldn't listen.

I don’t know how they do it either.
They are well used to this though, they have seen it all before.

Glad to hear that she’s somewhere safe now, but bloomin’ heck, she needs to change her attitude! How dare she treat the staff and other residents like that. She sounds awful.

@HamBone I really don't see her changing. It's astonishing. I can allow for some distress at her loss of independence and change in circumstances but she has no consideration for the people around her. I don't think she ever has.

She's making life more unhappy for herself as people are pulling away from her.

I've been reading back over my own posts as it's so useful. I had forgotten so much! So today when we were asked about when she started to be unsettled overnight DH said it was really recently, whereas I could remind him that it was the end of January when she was phoning in the middle of the night so we started unplugging the phone...

Advice to all - keep a diary!

I hope she settles down - this must all be so stressful.

I take it that someone has explained to her that she can't carry on being obnoxious, and she's just paying no attention.

Our elderly relative has no idea how many deep breaths her daughter has taken lately before replying. She switches from expecting to her daughter to act upon every hint, to complaining that her daughter is taking over. It's so difficult.

I'd ask the care home manager about requesting an assessment by the older adults mental health team. They were AMAZING with my mum. They identified medication that helped reduce the situation from impossible hellscape to serious but more stable almost immediately. Most importantly of all, they were the first people that mum spoke highly of for a long time. They understood what they were looking at and the causes. And they treated Mum as what she was - an adult woman dealing with very difficult neuropsychological symptoms. Unable to care for herself but still an individual person.

Thanks @PermanentTemporary, the nursing home grumbled (nicely) that the hospital discharge notes did not prepare them for her behaviour. They have requested medication but it's being held up over the weekend.

I think there is a lot more drama and upset to come, I'm just trying to support the main people involved (DH and her children) to keep good boundaries and look after their own wellbeing.

Does anyone think it’s cultural too? Or not?

My mother 85 definitely thinks along lines of “elders and betters”. Unfortunately she is a narcissist so there is an extra huge dollop of entitlement. But even without that, do you think it’s part of that generation? Of course some elderly are lovely …. I almost feel 😔 for myself when I see a post about someone’s lovely, loved elderly mother.

I am in my 60s and don’t receive that kind of respect from my adult son - he does sweet FA for me and totally unreliable. I suspect he has (undiagnosed) issues but it still hurts. However I see who he is and would not bother with making any demands and so look after myself!

Sorry, not wanting to hijack, having a bad Mother’s Day all round.

@PumkinPlaytime my vote goes to personality rather than era.
Hope you feeling less sandwiched now.

I think it is era quite a bit, although personality plays a part. I grew up in the 1970s and 80s with elderly relatives very revered, you visited them, and took them out for treats and showered them with attention. It was pretty miserable as a child as they mostly weren't very nice and it wasn't at all child-centred.

My DM still acts like this should be the default but now I think it's got a lot more to do with making an effort at relationships, spending time doing things everyone can enjoy rather
than assuming the relationship will be there.

My DD is much closer to some elderly people who live nearby or who we see at church because they make an effort to interact and get to know her, then it's reciprocated. She barely knows her own grandmother.

I think it is era quite a bit, although personality plays a part. I grew up in the 1970s and 80s with elderly relatives very revered, you visited them, and took them out for treats and showered them with attention. It was pretty miserable as a child as they mostly weren't very nice and it wasn't at all child-centred. Yes, I was brought up 20 years before that. We went over to see my grandparents every Sunday. The adults would talk in the kitchen, and I’d be allowed to play in the front room, with the brass ornaments from the mantelpiece (a couple of crinolined ladies) and a little red suede rabbit. Luckily I was an inventive child and never bored.

Of course,it was less likely to watch an elderly grandparent’s decline into dementia. Both these grandparents died of heart disease in their 70s while still absolutely sound of mind. We’re facing quite different problems of ageing.

Sorry for your troubles @PumkinPlaytime. Personally I think personality trumps generational culture every time.

It's interesting when someone who wants to control everything all of the time suddenly can't control anything, and has no buttons left to press. The mental thrashing about is something to behold.

@PumkinPlaytime Observing how my peers (I’m nearly 50) treat their parents and how our children treat us, I’m trying to find a balance between being a demanding elder and being “too nice”!

My Dad is demanding to an unpleasant extent (sounds similar to your Mum) but then some parents of are so undemanding that their children don’t bother or even consider them much. I’ve seen this among my age group and among our children. Expecting some consideration and respectful behavior from our adult children isn’t a bad thing at all.

It sounds as if your son didn’t make an effort on Mother’s Day? There’s nothing wrong with telling him that you’re disappointed and that you expect better. Years ago, I was living abroad and genuinely forgot about Mother’s Day in the UK-my Mum gave me an ear bashing! We had a good relationship, she just expected a card and a phone call on that day.

I’d be allowed to play in the front room, with the brass ornaments from the mantelpiece

How strange @MereDintofPandiculation thats what I used to do! I still have some quiet, happy memories of visiting my GM, being on my own in the living room and passing the time by playing and rearranging various tiny brass ornaments, while my grandmother was doing stuff in the kitchen.

Lovely! I have good memories too - the smell of the polish, setting up "house" under the gate leg table with with all its legs, the quietness, the Victorian flower vases on the shiny top of the sideboard. And I still have the red suede bunny.

Yikes. You’ve got One of Those.

She’s in the early stages of senility so she’s compos enough to be a nightmare 24/7 but not with it enough to be reasonable. Sound familiar?

In many ways this is the worst bit. You’ll have to ask SS to do an intervention. That’s the only eldercare crisis that helps.

Stress to them that a) you aren’t her carers and can’t be b) her mental capacity is doubtful eg abuse and self neglect c) that she will present as charming and coherent. Mention her size - she might need two people and a hoist to clean her, for instance. They need to cost that.

Buy a new mobile, give her that number and only turn it on three hours a day.

Other stuff: she’s only going to get worse. Bad behaviour, unreasonableness, pulling a shrieking crisis every 15 minutes, selfish, cruel. That’s dementia.

Get some support - she’s only 80, you could have 15 years of this. Carers’ assn locally should be great. Cheer yourself up by thinking of the time (not soon enough) she’ll be moved to a care home.

Aargh sorry - the thread bounced and I missed your updates. Yay to care home!

Don’t get involved in the Bad behaviour discussions in case the care home wants to boot her out. They can’t if you don’t engage.

This thread has really made me realise I need to have yet another go at convincing DH we need to downsize now while we could do it mostly on our own with removal people. I don't want to leave it until we'd have to rely on DC to help us. DH refuses point blank he's so bloody stubborn. Sounds like your SiL is also stubborn. My Gran didn't want to go into a care home but after about 3 or 4 months she'd made several friends and realised her family still visited her. In fact they probably went more often as easy to park and could push her in a wheelchair around the lovely landscaped grounds which she enjoyed.

Until I read that she's now in a care home I thought I was your SIL neighbour. We used to be ordered to do everything (never asked or requested) and because we like to be helpful, we tried to help. But it got ridiculous, so we stopped helping. After a couple of months she realised she needed help. And has paid for help since. Wealthy woman who relied on us as we were free.

I remember doing similar things, although also having to sit there quietly whilst the adults droned on and not being allowed to play or read as it was considered rude! In school holidays we used to visit an elderly relative on different days of the week so Monday x, Tuesday Y etc. Then repeat the next week. I hated it so much. The summer holiday was particularly bad as they'd have the same conversation every week. For six weeks. I used to mentally tick the topics off as they worked their way through them!

It does explain why my DM thinks us visiting her for several days and just sitting in her living room whilst a load of her friends sit and chat in rotation is an acceptable activity for her grand daughter!

I think the massive difference is that I work full time though whereas DM wasn't working and I'm not wasting my annual leave and time with DD doing this.

Hello all again. I thought I would update. SIL now has a diagnosis of dementia. I think this was suggested on page 1 of this thread and I dismissed it as she has always been single minded and prone to eccentricities. Her personality masked symptoms, probably for a long time. But now the diagnosis has been made it all makes complete sense! Unfortunately she is not settling and is very distressed most of the time, we are not able to spend any time with her when she is calm.

Just to reiterate the reason why I started this thread, please, older people, plan ahead before it's too late! SIL could have had a really nice last 5 years but she's been declining and becoming more unhappy, and not let us intervene.

Thank you all for your support, it's been so much appreciated.

@disappearingfish thanks for updating and for starting the thread - it obviously resonated with many of us and it is so helpful to hear what others have learned and cathartic to share what we learn 💐
The reminder to plan ahead for our own futures is also valuable!

I hope things go more smoothly for you now, OP.

Well, it helps to explain her behavior , OP, and I hope this helps her to get the support that she needs. Thank goodness she’s no longer at home.

You and your DH sound so kind, try to relax. 💐