No future planning and now crisis

[disappearingfish]

SIL is 83 and her health, mobility and balance have been deteriorating steadily over the last few years. She has resisted any real interventions, just the bare minimum of adaptations.

She fell this week and spent 6 hours on the floor before the paramedics came to get her up. Now she's frightened of being alone and she's taken to ringing everyone in her address book and guilting them to coming over to fetch and carry for her, pressuring them to stay overnight. It's a flipping nightmare. DH (her brother) is her only local family so is being run ragged, guilted all the while she refuses to use the new electric recliner chair, the new accessible bed etc. etc.

She does have a carer but she's only supposed to pop in a few times a day and she's done nothing about any other care. She's off her head on meds half the time (including stashes of pills she's ferreted away which are years past their expiry date). She's shouting at everyone who doesn't jump to attention, including the doctor and DH. Her lovely kind neighbour has been in tears at the abuse she's had. I get that she's frightened but my god it's hard.

There's no LPOA or anything else in place that can enable people to make decisions in her best interest. Her children live far away, have their own lives and families and are doing their best. No real point to this post but just had to vent. We saw this coming years ago and have tried and tried to tackle it but she wouldn't listen.

We've been saying that this would happen for 10 years and now she's perfectly happy to run me ragged and stress me out She probably doesn’t understand that. She sees that she’s asking you to do a five minute job. She may have forgotten that the 5 minute job involves you driving for 4 hours. She certainly won’t understand the knot in your stomach every time the phone rings.

But they still have them! Even if just for storage.

Can I assume you’re getting on in life yourself and not wanting to move?!

And if two thirds of anyone’s house is used for storage of item with no use, no material value and no sentimental value then they have a hoarding problem. Even a single room storing pointless items.

You don't need to assume - I've already made my age clear on this board. and that I'm not ready to downsize. Where would I keep the canoes and the climbing gear? But while I have my father alive, my DC do not regard me as old.

And if two thirds of anyone’s house is used for storage of item with no use, no material value and no sentimental value then they have a hoarding problem. Even a single room storing pointless items. That's a big leap! I haven’t met many people who say their house has enough storage.

It's not (all) about downsizing, although her house and garden are far too much for her to manage. It's about being in a house that is/can be adapted for infirmity. E.g.

She is on a steeply sloping site which means she can't walk out of her own front door and up to the pavement.

She took much joy from her garden but it's terraced so she can't get down the steps to the flower beds.

She likes an open fire for warmth but she can't put logs on it anymore so gets cold.

When I get older I'm going to pack myself off to a nice modern bungalow or flat somewhere with a small garden or balcony and rid myself of the burden of keeping up a house.

This in spades. Same with my relatives- the house is large and high maintenance, the garden is large, sloped and high maintenance. They are dependent on being able to drive to get anywhere. I’ll certainly be downsizing to a smaller place once my children have left home and making sure it’s somewhere appropriate for later life- level access, downstairs bathroom and bedroom, low maintenance and transport links.

But most people don't see the point of downsizing when they are still full of life

Just watch escape to the country !

That’s the entire point of the thread. People don’t move when they’re fit and able and become unfit and unable and by then it’s too late.

To be fair, my parents did everything they could -- adapted bungalow, level access shower, grab handles everywhere, inches from the bus stop and a five minute totter to the shops. They even had their names down years earlier than needed for the local sheltered accommodation.

Then mum had a minor stroke during which she fell and broke her hip anyway, and by the time she was out of hospital her needs were too great for the sheltered housing.

But they really tried to plan.

Ha ha yes. These jolly types about to retire to a quiet rural location with 6 bedrooms for the grandchildrens' annual visit and a "lovely big garden to keep Jeff busy". Fast forward 12 years to their frazzled menopausal daughter weeping in the toilets at work on Friday afternoon at the prospect of yet another 300 mile drive tomorrow to deal with the latest crisis.

“Darling, could you pop over and help us with X”.

We have exactly this issue. DH’s parents live 5 hours away from any relatives, and are mid eighties. We have been trying to get them to move closer for 10 years - at first it was ‘not yet’, now at the stage where it is too much. We can’t look after them at a distance, can’t even stay there as the house is such a mess.
At least they have arranged LPOA as have my own parents.

I do wry smile at those Escape to the Country types. A woman I worked with moved to a big old farmhouse outside of a tiny village, miles from anywhere with a husband who didn't work and couldn't drive. So he was stuck at home while she was at work every day. Funnily enough he relapsed into alcoholism and they moved less than two years later. What were they thinking??

@disappearingfish well at least they were willing and able to move. Unlike...

Poor mobility, binge eating chocolate and cakes, unable to manage shopping and randomly calling all and sundry at any time of the day and night sounds like delirium (at best) or dementia (at worst) to me.

She may not be able to manage all these helpful suggestions and sort out her care package herself.

@BenjaminBunnyRabbit sadly not, it's her actual personality 🙃

People know they have only so many years left and want to make the most of them. For some that means make the last years as good as possible at the expense of curtailing your life now, for others it means enjoy the now for as long as you can and hope the distant future takes care of itself

Hard to make one-size-fits-all “rules”. DF widowed in 60s, threw himself into community work, engineering work at local museum, had lots of friends. Would it have been right to encourage him to move nearer to me? No. To downsize? Not when he had the emotional attachment of having designed his house and had it built himself. Mid 80s, he’d slowed down a lot and friends were dying off, and he was more amenable to a move. Threw himself into community activities etc. Maybe I should have persuaded him into a care home earlier? On the other hand, when he went, he was convinced himself that it was the right thing.

God yes. My parents moved to be "closer to our daughter" - but moved an hour's drive away from me (on a good day), up a massive hill with no shops or public transport. I begged them not to. "But we're fine!" "We can drive everywhere!"

Fast forward 10 years and my dad can't drive, has dementia, and my mum's just hasd her hip replaced can can't walk up that massive hill, and is now crying down the phone asking me why I can't just "pop in" to see them every day. Er, because it takes a min. of 3 hours, I work FT and I have 2 kids, one of whom is disabled? Oh yeah and I TOLD YOU THIS WOULD HAPPEN BUT YOU DIDN'T LISTEN.

There's loads we can do now as adults to take the burden off our kids as we age. We ALL age. So why the hell do people refuse to listen even when their kids literally spell it out to them. Stupid selfish people.

(I see them a lot, video call twice a week and do all their hospital appointments btw.)

@BenjaminBunnyRabbit
”Poor mobility, binge eating chocolate and cakes, unable to manage shopping and randomly calling all and sundry at any time of the day and night sounds like delirium (at best) or dementia (at worst) to me.

She may not be able to manage all these helpful suggestions and sort out her care package herself.”

DF lives in a dream world where he’s going to walk to the local shops (he can barely get up from a chair) from his unsuitable house (which is rammed full in every room) and do his own shopping (he hasn’t done this or even provided a list, for a long time). However, he can hold a coherent conversation with council employees where he presents himself as very capable of daily living… so not only did he fail to plan but he also tells everyone he doesn’t need professional help.

In fairness he doesn’t always ask his children for help… but that doesn’t make it any easier if you hear him fall in the night (after he has stayed up late to secretly binge eat) or make anyone feel any better when they visit him and have to wash the dried blood off his face.

We’ve also all been telling him and trying to help him for years, now his decline is happening faster than it needed to but there’s no acceptance of his limitations.

@eyeslikebutterflies no one is judging you, but it makes you feel guilty doesn’t it! The pauses when they ring you to ask you to come over and you say ‘not today.’ Their tears or knowing they are unhappy- but it’s infuriating because you warned them. I’m lucky in that my parents have downsized to a suitable bungalow and have recently allowed a cleaner but they are still 50 mins away. My mum is driving but less and less, I dread when that stops and my very frail dad passes away as she will be so isolated. She will also refuse point blank to move again, closer to me as she won’t leave her garden. No matter that she probably won’t be out in it much by that time as it’s not the most accessible l.

I would contact Adult Social Care as they may be able to put you in touch with someone who can help. My Dad was assigned an assessor who helped us put in place what he needed. Also, he was far more willing to listen to a non-family member …funny how that’s often the case!

He’s moved to supported living and is doing well. Several people there have carers constantly coming in, he doesn’t need that yet, his current issue is his mobility and being prone to falls, but it’s definitely available if he ever does.

He was also a keen gardener, but as PP’s have said, there comes a point when they can’t get out there anymore-my Dad kept falling when he tried to garden. He’s come to terms with it now and tends a collection of indoor plants in his flat.

The irony of this thread compared to the one a while ago about how her parents were buying a house instead of lending her money for a deposit. I bring this up because if people keep funding their adult children's lives without keeping money for themselves to fund care in later life what is to be expected.

Not saying this is what's happened in OPs case but still a comment to those other posts about making plans for old age.

You do realise you can say now u will never be like that but you will. My dad said the same thing about how old people don't shower enough don't stay active and don't grt help properly.....low and behold he doesn't shower often, refuses help, still drinks even though he's been told not by so many medical professionals, is stubborn as hell and won't even look after his health and expects my mum to do everything for him.

He does however have early onset dementia so it's only going to get tougher and let's face it it's bit scary thinking about care homes and quality of care he would grt so for now he is at home. We are grtting a poa in place though.

Also let's face it these are people who know time is running out and that is scary. I'm only 41 and the other day it did hit me a bit I have only 27 yrs until official retirement age. It might sound a lot but it really isn't and I had a wee omg moment. Then there is the loss of control to deal with which I known my dad feels, cant do things for himself as much, can't move about much it does have am effect.

Also there is a generational issue here they aren't so savvy about technology and other things, we are so it might be easier for us.