Conflicted about trip with elderly parents

[parent77]

Apologies if this is in the wrong place! I'm in my late 30s, have a brother who is five years older and have parents in their mid-70s. In the last few years, my parents have discovered family who emigrated to the Netherlands from the UK and so have been over to visit them a few times. The relationship is quite distant, it's like my mum's second cousin.

My parents are starting to struggle more with mobility - they can still get around but more slowly than usual, and dad is in the early stages of dementia. As a result, they think their visit to the Netherlands this year to see the family may be the last time they take the trip. As a result, they are keen for me and my brother and our families to take the trip with them (my brother went last year, but I have yet to meet this other family).

While my brother is planning to go, the issue is that I am already short on annual leave days to do the things I want/need to do this year. My wife and I both have milestone birthdays so are taking each other away for trips. With that, a summer holiday and childcare for our two kids (aged 10 and 8) during the school holidays throughout the year, I'm already really low on days without factoring in anything unforeseen that might come up during the year - I only have a couple left.

My brother is likely just going to go without his family, as it likely to be too hard to get half term holidays to line up his his and my kids. When I look at just going on the trip just for the weekend with my wife and kids, the cost comes out at around £350-£400 for flights, hotel, airport parking etc (before any other spending) for less than 36 hours in the actual place. If just I go, the cost is still around £250-275, which I know isn't a huge amount but is still quite a bit to spend on a weekend that my wife and kids don't benefit from.

I've explained this to my parents, and said I'd prefer to spend the money on other things - taking them out for a really nice meal for their anniversary for example. But my parents, mum in particular, see this as me prioritising my own things (and those with my wife and kids) over what they hold as important. They did say they could maybe pay some towards the cost but as they are both pensioners, I would also feel guilty about that too!

Above and beyond the lack of time (and to a certain degree, the money) I don't actually feel much of a connection to these distant relatives. My parents tells me how they keen they are to meet me and if they came over to the UK I would definitely meet up with them, but they haven't yet and it doesn't seem to be on the cards either.

It's created a bit of tension with my parents and wanted to get an outside view. They see it is a 'last chance' trip and feel I'm being selfish not going. I see it that we can spend family time in many other ways and that this particular trip to see distant relatives doesn't have to be the be all and end all.

What would you do?

Do your parents put pressure on you about other things or is it just this one trip that's extremely important to them? Would they be happy with just a weekend? If it's just this trip and just a weekend I would go, because in years to come you might regret it if you don't. Leave it up to your wife as to whether she wants to come too with the kids or just have you go yourself.

You sound lovely. You are not selfish and don't give that another thought. I think you are absolutely reading the situation correctly and your responses have been kind and exceedingly polite. Please do not go. You have declined the invitation and offered lovely alternatives. You can set boundaries while still being loving and helpful.

I suspect this might be the start 'of it'.
Much of this whole 'board' is about 'it'.

And what is the reason they can't come to the UK?

Also, I think you are being quite correct to decline. They are fairly distant relatives and you barely have a connection with them, I am assuming they have not been in contact with your own family.

I agree. Don't let them emotionally blackmail you just because they're elderly. And don't fall for "if you don't, you'll regret it when they're gone". They could die tomorrow or live for another 20 years, you could do lots of other things with them, it's pointless thinking that if you don't do this one thing that they want you'll regret it.
You have your own family and you're rightly putting them first this time.

I disagree. It's not about meeting these other people, it's about making your parents happy.
I think there will come a time when you massively regret not spending more time with your parents while they are alive / healthy / not gaga. It could be a time to make some very special memories.
You don't need to take the whole family if that costs too much.

Surely your family and time with your family unit does come above what your parents want you to do?
Say you can’t go this year as you don’t have the leave

I wouldn’t go
they are second cousins of your parents and your parents shouldn’t be guilt tripping you
just stick to your guns

You could offer to ‘FaceTime’ when they are there

I wouldn’t want to go either tbh considering they are not close relatives and there will be significant costs & time required. If you do go ( only to please your parents) I would go on my own and not bring my partner or children as that would keep costs down.

But I do feel like your parents are being unreasonable. They shouldn’t put so much pressure on you to do something you’re not keen on for good reasons. The reality is you don’t have much spare leave and there seems no good reason why these relatives couldn’t visit the U.K. this year instead of your parents keep on visiting them.

'Making the parents happy' doesn't equal 'do what you're told' if its really about spending time together, why don't the parents want to do that at home? Agree this is the start of 'it'!

Do your parents often ask you for things? Do they shall their wishes or are they often demanding?

If this was my husband, I would be encouraging him to go with out his family. I agree that it's not about the random relatives at all. It's about quality time spent with his parents, making his parents happy, and facilitating/prioritising time for the extended family.

Your kids would get to experience a different culture with distant family and extended family. This is a memory they will have for the rest of their lives. I would make the effort.

If you don’t have dual nationality any chance you can get it from this branch of your family tree?

Could you arrange to just drive or fly over with them for a weekend trip, plus a day or two if possible? They could then do a longer visit with your brother.

We are late sixties/ early Seventies although in good health and quite fit. I think your parents are being incredibly selfish. Have they expected you to do things like this before?
We would never ever expect our children to put us before their own spouses and young families. Your parents have made this trip before. Maybe they need to accept they won’t be doing it again.

Hmmm mid 70s isn’t that old. What happens at Christmas if you want to do something else - will it be their last chance… or next year’s holiday, or the next…
If you can’t go, you can’t go. Is emotional blackmail something they do a lot or is it new?

Do your DPs have work pensions as well as state ones ?

If so I would take them up on their offer to pay for some of it and go on your own.

Thank you all for the responses so far, really interesting to read! Just to expand on a couple of points:

I've asked if the family in the Netherlands are planning to come to the UK (they haven't yet) but there is nothing concrete planned. If they did, I'd happily meet up with them. For example, they have apparently expressed an interest in visiting a city about 90 mins from where we live (I live quite close to my parents) - I would happily travel there to meet them and take my parents too so they could see them.

While midweek trips are out really because of a lack of annual leave, I have looked at weekends. But as mentioned, it is still going to be several hundred pounds and I would have less than 36 hours in the place. Regardless of who is paying, it just seems expensive for what it is is my only thought!

Absolutely appreciate what some have said in terms of future regrets. As I live fairly close to my parents (my brother lives a couple of hours away) so I naturally see them more - they tend to come to mine for Christmas, Easter etc for example, and I can pop round to see them easily. As mentioned, even if I didn't go on this particular trip, would still make the effort to do things with them through the year.

I can't say my parents are particularly demanding, although since dad was diagnosed with dementia a couple of years ago they've been more keen to do things with my brother and me - last year we went to see a concert together for example. But me, my wife and kids do things with them without my brother too - we took them to the cinema, they come to see the kids perform at dance/band concerts etc, so there are still plenty of opportunities to do things with them.

Someone mentioned the trip being a great chance for the kids to experience somewhere new and that is a good point. However, part of the issue around annual leave is that we are going on birthday trips for my wife and me to Iceland and Switzerland, plus going on a summer holiday with them somewhere else in Europe, so they will still get that chance. I think this is why it probably seems like we are prioritising ourselves over them, but the birthday trips have been on the cards for a long time as we both turn 40 this year.

My brother has asked to have a chat about it later today - I think he is pushing for just us two to go with them, whereas I am just going to have to reiterate the above I think!

I definitely wouldn't go and just say you've been declined leave / haven't got the leave

Could you go in the summer and have this as part of your summer holiday?

I'd be happy to set aside a few days of a longer break, especially as I'd love to go to the Netherlands. I would not agree to my whole family holiday being with my parents though.

Could you go in the summer and have this as part of your summer holiday?

A good suggestion, thank you! Unfortunately we've already booked our summer holiday in another destination so the logistics wouldn't work. Sorry, that probably seems purposefully awkward but we booked just before new year as there were good deals on!

You seem quite stuck on the cost. £250-275 isn't a huge amount for a foreign trip albeit a short one. If your DPs are prepared to pay for it then it's one weekend and I would go because it does seem very important to them.

Your DPs sound very tiresome and no, you're not selfish. Your reasons for not wanting to go are perfectly valid. I find it absolutely bizarre that they feel entitled to insist that you use some of your valuable days off for this trip to see people who are very distant relatives and nothing to do with you.

But what would I do? Since your DPs are giving you a hard time and will clearly not just let it go, I'd take them up on their offer of paying for you to go and I'd keep the trip as short as possible! Then they can't say you didn't go. Job done. And hopefully you won't lose any holiday days or much money.

I think it's unfair for your parents to say you are prioritising your family over them. You have already booked these trips, you can't just find extra annual leave or money for these things. It seems this family connection is important to your parents, but that is no reason these distant relatives should be important to you.

If you are inclined to try to make it work, Could you minimise the cost further by going for the weekend only, and sharing a room with your brother?

Personally, I don't think you should go if you don't want to. I think you may have made an error in telling them you'd rather do x y z - it just gives something to argue and persuade against. I think, if you do decide to not go, then 'I don't have any annual leave left, I can't take time off work' 'we can't afford it' 'it's not possible, unfortunately' needs to be the position you take.

I would not go and besides which it is not my job to make my parents happy; that is their own responsibility. Do not give in to any and all emotional blackmail your parents may spring upon you.