Conflicted about trip with elderly parents

[parent77]

Apologies if this is in the wrong place! I'm in my late 30s, have a brother who is five years older and have parents in their mid-70s. In the last few years, my parents have discovered family who emigrated to the Netherlands from the UK and so have been over to visit them a few times. The relationship is quite distant, it's like my mum's second cousin.

My parents are starting to struggle more with mobility - they can still get around but more slowly than usual, and dad is in the early stages of dementia. As a result, they think their visit to the Netherlands this year to see the family may be the last time they take the trip. As a result, they are keen for me and my brother and our families to take the trip with them (my brother went last year, but I have yet to meet this other family).

While my brother is planning to go, the issue is that I am already short on annual leave days to do the things I want/need to do this year. My wife and I both have milestone birthdays so are taking each other away for trips. With that, a summer holiday and childcare for our two kids (aged 10 and 8) during the school holidays throughout the year, I'm already really low on days without factoring in anything unforeseen that might come up during the year - I only have a couple left.

My brother is likely just going to go without his family, as it likely to be too hard to get half term holidays to line up his his and my kids. When I look at just going on the trip just for the weekend with my wife and kids, the cost comes out at around £350-£400 for flights, hotel, airport parking etc (before any other spending) for less than 36 hours in the actual place. If just I go, the cost is still around £250-275, which I know isn't a huge amount but is still quite a bit to spend on a weekend that my wife and kids don't benefit from.

I've explained this to my parents, and said I'd prefer to spend the money on other things - taking them out for a really nice meal for their anniversary for example. But my parents, mum in particular, see this as me prioritising my own things (and those with my wife and kids) over what they hold as important. They did say they could maybe pay some towards the cost but as they are both pensioners, I would also feel guilty about that too!

Above and beyond the lack of time (and to a certain degree, the money) I don't actually feel much of a connection to these distant relatives. My parents tells me how they keen they are to meet me and if they came over to the UK I would definitely meet up with them, but they haven't yet and it doesn't seem to be on the cards either.

It's created a bit of tension with my parents and wanted to get an outside view. They see it is a 'last chance' trip and feel I'm being selfish not going. I see it that we can spend family time in many other ways and that this particular trip to see distant relatives doesn't have to be the be all and end all.

What would you do?

I think in this situation I would try to go with them by myself.

If they're doubting that they'll be able to do the trip to the Netherlands again then its unlikely they'll be holidaying further afield, so this will probably be the last time they'll ever go abroad.

And they want to share one last family trip with their children doing something that has become special to them.

I mean, if they were demanding parents week in week out then it may be different, but sounds like you all get on fairly well? So I would suck up the cost.

I wouldn't go and I would make rational responses about lack of holiday leave etc as others have suggested.
I discovered distant cousins in 3 countries when I did my family history and it's very tempting to get excited and want to spread it out amongst wider family. My experience though was that no one else was ever really interested either abroad or here. People have family and friends and limited time and those who do family history are often obsessed for their own reasons!! 🙂
I have limited contact with one discovered first cousin and that's fine. Sometimes families become disconnected for reasons that may well be family secrets.
Live your own life and don't be black mailed by your parents.

Came on to say pretty much exactly this.

You mention you would prefer to spend the money taking them out here and that you feel it’s not worth the money to spend 36 hours there. That seems to me like you do have the money, you just don’t see this as a good way to spend it, but they do. So if it’s about making them happy, this makes a lot more sense than a meal out.

I wouldn’t take extra time off or take the family, but a quick weekend back and forth just you, I would.

And IME although you spend a lot of time with them, doing so in a different context, just you and your brother, that can make for some special memories.

I think people here are getting really distracted by the purpose of the trip to visit distant relatives and are commenting on whether or not they think that's something they'd like to do or think is good to do. But if you take a step back and look at it as elderly parents who OP presumably is fond of and gets on well with, who aren't in general demanding people, saying they would really like a weekend abroad with their children while they're still able, I really don't think it seems that unreasonable as an ask. Plenty of people do take their parents away on short trips if able, I did, not always to places I'd have chosen myself or to do activities that I especially liked but the purpose was to support them and make them happy not as a holiday/treat for me.

Of course if you genuinely can't afford it then you can't go but from the sounds of things that's not the case, you'd just prefer to spend the money on something that suits you better like taking them out for a meal? I know £250 is really not nothing and would be genuinely out of reach for some but from the sounds of things that's not the case and it won't mean OP and family miss out on trips away as a couple or family this year. £250 is really quite cheap for a weekend away as well, taking them somewhere in the UK just for a night would probably end up costing that much so it's a bargain really. And as for the time, if holidays are a problem just go on Friday after work and come back Sunday evening, the Netherlands are really close, it's not like they're asking you to schlep to Timbuktu, tbh if it was a cottage trip in the UK or a spa break or other more MN-approved activity with an equivalent length of drive I think people would be saying that's fine, it's just the fact of its being abroad that's skewing perceptions. If anything I'd say keeping it to a short trip is good, a little of a good thing usually goes a long way in whole family trips I find.

TLDR it's up to you of course but I'd go, view it as you're making a gift of your time to your parents, that's what's most precious after all more than material things. I wouldn't go with the expectation you'll have a wonderful time yourself, it'll probably be a tad tedious but you're a big boy/girl, you can suck it up for one weekend surely?

You're parents aren't demanding, they made a preference known. They'll help with the cost, which you are reluctant to prioritise. You could go for a weekend, as you won't give them your holiday that's left. Your dad has dementia. I repeat. Your dad has dementia.

This is not about a huge sacrifice your nuclear family are making for you to go. This is a few hundred for a weekend that means a lot to your parents. And brother. There's no emotional blackmail. They are not being selfish and demanding. You are being extraordinarily selfish and self-centred towards your parents. I can only assume you don't like them much and want revenge.

I tend to feel family are important because they’ll still be family all your life, whereas friends can drift away. But even if you dont think that, this trip is clearly important to your parents, so important that they’re prepared to pay for you, so I’d be inclined to make it so that you can go for at least some of the time.

Yep I see the selfishness. This trip is for your parents to share something they love. It’s a last chance for THEM! It’s not about the distant relatives.

go on a trip with your family and parents! Take a personal day off something unforeseen comes up - typically illness based anyway.

I don’t think you are being selfish. You have your own life and limited annual leave . Spending time travelling to meet distant relatives is not your priority and nor should it be. I can’t see that these people will remain in your life.

You could FaceTime when your parents visit or equally they could visit the Uk.

You could argue that the parents are selfish putting there own desires above those of OP and her partner. I would not be going.

God forbid someone prioritise their own wife and kids!

I mean, what a strange thing for the OP's parents to say?!
It's like...well, yeah.

You should prioritise your immediate family - you're not being selfish at all to say no.

They are only mid-70's - there could be years left and other times to meet. It doesn't suit this year with your leave so maybe another time.

Don't see the point of making you go if you don't want to just to appease them and their guilt tripping. As you say you feel no connection to these people.