I didn't realise how difficult this would be

[Harrriet]

Looking after my mother full time for 15 months in our home. After working in care and community care until I had to give up, I thought it would be fine. I didn't realise how much resentment I was holding towards due to my childhood/ teenage years and beyond really. I can't put her in a home . I just wanted to say to others that think very carefully before you offer to have your parents live with you.

Couldn’t agree with you more.

You say you couldn’t put her in a home - why not? I appreciate you may have good reasons but many homes are fantastic and many people thrive in them and really enjoy their last few years.

If you are sacrificing your own wellbeing to look after her, is this what a loving parent would want for her child?

That does sound hard. I had a difficult childhood and couldn't have done it. I also don't thing outsider realise that little old lady's can still abuse adult kids.

Sending solidarity as an ex parent carer( but not in my house). Please call in at the cockroach cafe thread on this board- loads of support and solidarity.
And v timely reading of others contemplating moving v active elderlies in with them….

It must be really tough. I live in NZ and my Mum was in UK and the travelling back and forwards was enough. I worried all the time about her being ill or falling.

We were both lucky in that she was able to stay in her own home until last year when she fell, spent four weeks in hospital and was discharged to a care home. She had only been in the home for 3 weeks when she died at almost 93 years old.

I feel for you, it is a huge thing you are doing.

Nobody does until they are in the thick of it and you are doing far more than most of us if you have her living with you. Society presents it as a lovely homely, multigenerational household with doddery cheerful granny in a bath chair being sweet and kind which is very often far from the truth.

come and join us in the cockroach cafe where we all understand xx

You may be able to manage her at home now but don't say you could never put her in a home because if you get to the point you really have to you will feel worse. My Mum and Dad looked after my Gran for 8 years in their home but after Dad died Mum could no longer lift her on her own to get her up and that also coincided with Gran's dementia getting worse. So Mum had to let her Mother go into a home. She visited her for 3 hours every single day though, even after Gran no longer knew who she was.

Thank you all so much x
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I feel for you. My mother lives with us and I’m on the brink of having the Conversation. I’ve already done this twice for my father who died with Parkinson’s and for my sister and it’s very hard and damaging if you don’t have a happy and loving childhood to draw the strength from. I’m resenting that I’m in the last third of my life and too much has been given to others. Hard as that might sound it’s my life and I don’t want to sacrifice much more of it attending to someone else who could be just as well looked after in a care setting and actually with a better social life to boot!

sorry that was long, TLDR I sympathise

I have two friends doing this. Both on antidepressants and one throwing the towel in after 12 years. Her DM is 89 and rattles on and on.
I hope I never do that to my children. A decent parent wouldn't even go there.

OP you need to seek help.

Why can't you put her in a home? you did your best for 15 months and you can't carry on putting your now mental and physical health at risk.

Indeed, you always see threads where people are guilt-trip into caring for elderly relatives at home but the harsh reality is that for many it ends up being impossible to sustain and destroys the life of the person who is doing the caring.

Also OP who is going to look after your financial situation if you have given up work to look after her? you also need to think about your own retirement.

@Harrriet why cant you put her in a home???

14 years ago we were looking after Dh mother who had dementia. We had 3 children then and sort of tag teamed between us plus she had enough money to pay for respite for 2 weeks for roughly 4 times a year. She died after 2 and a bit years.10 years on mum started to get to the stage where she needed care she has several things wrong including heart valve and vasculitis that effects her kidneys. She can't have an operation due to her heart (hip replacements) so this makes walking difficult. She has also has continence problems due to water tablets . She doesn't see why she should go into a home/respite as we looked after "his mother"
It sort of crept up on us, she has always been welcome and has stayed frequently over the years but now it's become permanent

I'm sorry OP but you have to protect yourself here. You have done your best with her, but the time has come to make some decisions.

I helped my mum to care for my dad for a few years at home, and it was awful - I think I'm still traumatised from it. We didn't realise the toll it was taking until we couldn't cope anymore. It was hard emotionally to put him into a nursing home, and he did struggle to settle in, but we were just at breaking point.

People who don't care for someone with dementia have no idea how hard it is. Like a previous poster has said, they think it's just a bening little old lady in a rocking chair etc. The reality was him getting violent, being incontinent - having to clean piss and shit off the floor because he wouldn't stay on the toilet. Having to cajole him into the bath, him getting up at all hours and having hallucinations about people coming for him etc. I could go on...

And I had a great relationship with my dad, I can't image how difficult it would have been had our relationship been strained to start with.

Sorry, I misread and thought your mother also had dementia. But my advice still stands - she can't dictate to you that you keep caring for her, that's not fair.
If she is compos mentis maybe it's harder as she will guilt you, but you have to look after yourself.

A loving mother wouldn't demand this of you. I gently suggest that you have only limited obligation to the non-loving mother it sounds like you have.

Protect her from harm - by all means. Destroy your life and health for her? Would you want your kids to do that for you? Very much doubt it. QED.

There was a sort of unspoken expectation in my family that I would take on the care for my mum. She was an alcoholic, spiteful mother. I resented the assumption that I would sacrifice my life to become a full time slave in my 50/60's. I moved abroad, I wasn't giving up my lovely husband, home, dogs, career or sanity. She passed recently and I have zero regret. I salute anyone who has parents live with them, you deserve a medal and far more recognition than you get.

But with your MIL you were 14 years younger.

Everything you have all said is true, my Dh has also pointed out that we were 14 years younger @Iwishiwasasilentnight and we had 2 more children in between (god knows how we managed that )
Going forward I'm going to speak with my brother, at the weekend ( I want to do it in person) . He will be supportive though.
It's the constant put downs I find hardest and the re

"..the constant put downs" So she's still abusing you then.

If you haven't read about the "FOG" then stronly recommend you find out. Not really got personal experience of this but a lot of Mumsnetters do

I think it basically means that you have been trained from a young age to fear disobeying her, and to feel intolerably guilty if you don't comply with herdemands, however unreasonable/selfish they are .

My parents lived in our granny annex. Mum was disabled through osteoarthritis and I helped dad with her care - I would take her shopping, my daughter would clean for her, I cooked their main meal every day. Then over the course of a few months dad became unwell and died. I took over everything that he had done - taking her breakfast in bed every morning, keeping her company, putting her to bed

Eventually in 2020 just before lockdown we had a care package which meant I no longer had to get her up in the morning or put her to bed but by the beginning of 2022 I was aware it was getting harder and harder to care for her. I could no longer leave the house if there was no one with her. She needed me every hour - a drink, the tv wouldn't work, the phone wasn't working, she needed the toilet. Then she had a fall and thanks to the amazing carer that came that morning she went into hospital. Whereupon I had a breakdown and had a night in A&E with amnesia!

From the hospital she went into a rehab unit to try and increase her mobility so that she could get from the bed to the toilet unaccompanied but it became apparent then that she had dementia. I was advised by the discharge nurse and the social worker that she required 24 hour care and she should be in a care home. It was so hard. She asked me why I was shoving her in a home and I kept repeating that it wasn't my choice. I hadn't asked for it. It was what the experts said was best for her "for the time being". That was over 2 years ago and now she is completely immobile, unable to use her arms and hands, very little language, doubly incontinent and only eating a pureed diet.

Please start thinking about extra support, whatever that might be - a care package or a care home. I think mum probably went in to the home about 6 months before it would have been impossible at home but there was no crisis and time to plan.

She doesn't see why she should go into a home/respite as we looked after "his mother" Oh, I can feel for her! Feeling your own child loves her partner’s family more than her own. But you’ve given all the reasons why the situation was different. You can’t give up your own life and health. You need to help her, as kindly as possible, move somewhere where the support is better.

I can vouch for how difficult it was for @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere - she spent a lot of time in the Cockroach Cafe

“She was always so appreciative! Never a moment’s trouble…”

I don’t know how she’d react if you push back. In my mum’s case it isn’t worth it, it doesn’t work. I know a few people though who don’t respect people who put up with their crap and behave better when challenged on it.

The thing is though she can't really complain about MIL as the attention and care my mum was getting from me never changed. I totally accept that mum needs care and that she wants to be with us, however I would really like to shove that bloody bicycle bell that's on her zimmer frame....somewhere else.
Thank you to you all and I'm really grateful that you have shared experiences and advice.it has really helped.