Hate talking to mother on the phone

[DoveGreys]

I should start by saying we have always had a toxic and distant relationship, and this is obviously relevant. She’s 88 and fairly healthy for her age but can’t go out so easily now.

I speak to her on the phone about twice a week and do her various admin etc. She always starts with a stupid dig “where have you been?” or “hello stranger”, or “I thought you’d left the country”: of course puts my back up straight away. Then there’s usually a list of her demands and some chat. I don’t tell her much about my life. However, I often feel down/bad/annoyed afterwards, occasionally for the rest of the day.

I also see her about once a month for a full day and evening. That is sometimes easier somehow. But I hate the phone calls and I think she may be even beginning to notice that as it’s getting harder to hide (though I put on as good an act as I can).

Do I need even stronger, clearer boundaries than I have already?

I wondered if other people had any experience of this kind of dynamic and/or suggestions as to any changes I might make, something that worked for them. Or maybe a way I could reframe it?

Mine is like this. I do not phone more than once a week, and I miss that call if something else comes up with work so I'm not available in the evening. I do deeply resent that time on the phone because I have very little free time with a demanding job and young child though! But the grey rock technique is useful - keep any details about yourself vague (mine isn't interested anyway, she only wants details to use as ammunition).

She then recites a list of what the neighbours have been doing (I've never met them and couldn't care less!), this usually includes comments on how their daughters visit weekly, then moves on to people she's seen and what they said about such and such, any drama with friends and medical appointments/hospitals, then she can't understand why I haven't seen a tv programme she's talking about (I barely watch tv due to lack of time!). I do something else at the same time whilst she drones on.

I've limited visits to a handful of times a year but we're several hours away which makes that easier.

I feel your pain.

I make sure I have something to distract me - maybe sitting in front of the PC doing something which only needs a mouse and minimal typing, sorting out admin or browsing for clothes etc.

Phoning twice a week is a LOT. Is that really necessary for practical purposes? Once a week is more than enough. I've managed to gradually cut mine down to once a month or so, or even less. Irregularity is key, in my opinion - if there are no set days and times for calls then she has less expectation and you feel less obligation. Yes, you get the snidey "hello stranger" comments etc, but you are getting those ANYWAY. So what do you have to lose? (It's worth remembering that the phone lines also work in both directions. What is stopping her from calling you if she wants to talk to you or needs help with something? Clearly she's not that bothered if she didn't pick up the phone.)

Also I'm sure you've heard of grey rock technique - it works very well on the phone.

I play Solitaire on my phone during this sort of phone call! It means that I'm only half concentrating and it doesn't really bug me as much. I've also made a list of the complaints I think I'm going to get and tick them off as they arrive.

Hi there, it's really tough isn't it. I have this relationship with my father, and we mainly just email now. It's easier.

My DM isn’t elderly but has always been like this. No interest in my life unless it is something she can criticise. I’ve gone on to reach my goals and dreams and she’s never once said well done (actually feigns illness or uses the excuse of needing the toilet to go off the phone)
so my boundaries are built now

it’s very common among my group of friends when you actually open up about it. It’s sad too as I am not kind now when I am with her. The left my guilt ridden but now I block my ears, ring less, go home less and then my siblings (male) criticise me for not being as involved so I see them less too

I would be tempted to discombobulate right back.
' I thought you'd left the country... 'yes mum, I have, and I'm considering staying away'

'I thought something had happened to you' ' yes mum, something has happened '

Mine puts the phone down on me if I say something she disagrees with or fail to take her point of view on something. She then rings straight back(!). And goes straight onto a different topic.

Sometimes, to make a change from grey rock, I see how many times I can get her to do this during one phone conversation!

I would call my mother and say “Hi, it’s me” and she would say “Who?”

She died about 18 months ago. I found in a large box in her bedroom every letter I had written her, all my school photos, things I had drawn or made - stuff she had told me she had “chucked out years ago.” I felt I was grieving for the mother I should have had. But now, I don’t really feel anything as she was just so unpleasant to me.