Hate talking to mother on the phone

[DoveGreys]

I should start by saying we have always had a toxic and distant relationship, and this is obviously relevant. She’s 88 and fairly healthy for her age but can’t go out so easily now.

I speak to her on the phone about twice a week and do her various admin etc. She always starts with a stupid dig “where have you been?” or “hello stranger”, or “I thought you’d left the country”: of course puts my back up straight away. Then there’s usually a list of her demands and some chat. I don’t tell her much about my life. However, I often feel down/bad/annoyed afterwards, occasionally for the rest of the day.

I also see her about once a month for a full day and evening. That is sometimes easier somehow. But I hate the phone calls and I think she may be even beginning to notice that as it’s getting harder to hide (though I put on as good an act as I can).

Do I need even stronger, clearer boundaries than I have already?

I wondered if other people had any experience of this kind of dynamic and/or suggestions as to any changes I might make, something that worked for them. Or maybe a way I could reframe it?

My mother was exactly the same “Oh I thought something must have happened to you/you must have had an accident.”

Then there was a list of: who had died, who had been in hospital, who was or wasn’t on the shopping bus, how they had given her the wrong coffee in Asda.

I used to let it wash over me. And sort out her admin/list of demands when I went over.

It's really hard to deal with. My DM always used her 'surprised' voice and said something like 'oh gosh hello!' as if it was a complete shock to see me - even though I visited at least once a week and usually more.
I just tried really hard not to take it personally and tell myself that she was sort of needy and insecure and that it was a mechanism for somehow protecting herself...
I guess that it's about trying to understand them, not in order to be forgiving of their coldness as parents, but as self-protection for you (if that makes sense).

Yes I know what you are saying

Do they use texts

I don’t know if my mum is a narcissist or is neurodivergent. We have a toxic relationship and I get nothing out of it.

She makes very little effort with me - I’ve lived in this house for 8 years and she’s never visited (despite being asked).

I’ve been with my partner / now husband for 10 years - doesn’t know his (my married name), despite telling her many times.

She doesn’t ring me (wouldn’t think to even ring me in Christmas Day) and when I ring her - she’s cold, and there’s always a passive aggressive dig ‘so and so’s parents fuss over him’….. ‘she spent a lot of time with her parents’, her absolute favourite is ‘does (husbands name) control you’. When she speaks to me I get triggered and I can feel myself reacting.

I used to phone her every Sunday (she would never ring me) but I was always anxious before the call and upset after it. She always takes absolutely no interest in my life - for example I got married last year and she wasn’t interested in the wedding whatsoever. I worked overseas for a year - never once asked anything about it.

After years of ‘doing the right thing’ by phoning her and feeling absolutely shit on a Sunday when I rang her I realised I would never have the relationship with her I would like to have and I got absolutely nothing out of the call.

So I stopped calling and went LC. The relief has been immense.

If she can’t be pleasant, reduce contact. If a friend treated you like this - would you still have them in your life?

@greengreengrass25 Thanks. She tried WhatsApp/texts for a while - but it didn’t last. I hope she doesn’t revive it as it could be irritating too - “Where are you?” or random messages. In her case it was on top of, rather than instead of, the phone calls and visits. Though I know for some people it works.

It’s just like my body is screaming “distance, distance” but I suspect she might struggle with / object to once a week phone calls.

She sounds really difficult. I've gone nc with my parents after going to therapy and realising the emotional and psychological abuse they have put me through. There is no easy route with difficult parents, but you can set your mum straight... ask her to stop the behaviour or you will leave!

But thanks to PPs understanding, and 💐 for having had to deal with this. I hope will spur me to find some new mental and other boundaries.

I find wearing headphones and making a call whilst doing something else (cooking/walking dog/cleaning) helps it wash over me - I’m only half paying attention so only half as offensive.

@Digestive28 exactly, i was thinking that earlier in NY! Eg. Some quiet but focused tidying - not too noisy as that would annoy her. At the moment when she starts talking about something disagreeable to me I hold the phone away so I can’t hear properly, but of course that can be tricky …

I used to only be able to speak too my mum if I was feeling robust enough. Any information I will give her would be used against me in some way, so the dynamic was largely her talking (bitching) and me asking some vague questions. It was a successful call if I got away with no digs from her.

she has got a LOT better since I got married. I think when I was single she felt she had carte Blanche to just be totally horrible, but now I have a DH, I am not considered fair game. She even managed the whole festive period without commenting on my weight. Which is astonishing.

All I can say is…. There are others out there that have the same situation and feel your pain! Put yourself first, keep contact to only when you are robust enough.

Try to switch modes, so you’re not dealing with your mother, you’re dealing with a woman you happen to look after. Try to observe her as if you’re observing a scientific experiment. “I was two days late ringing her and today she made 17 nasty comments instead of the usual 12. What happens if I ring 3 days late?”

Or telephone bingo - 1 point for “hello stranger” etc, 1 point for each demand, bonus point if she finds a new way of saying “you don’t phone me enough”. Have a stash of favourite treats for when you get a high score. Try not to make an audible cry of joy when you hit the target

👏🤣 I can't believe how many mothers out there are like this!
I finally put in boundaries/said no to her for the first time in nearly 60 years as she was making me ill with her constant demands, she fell out with me.................I think she thought she was punishing me with the silent treatment (for standing up for myself🤷‍♀️) or I'd let her get away with her appalling behaviour and come running around, it back fired on her as I was waiting for an apology which she was incapable of giving. I've now had a few years of peace and stress free.

The phone ringing used to make me feel physically sick/shake, I've had to change ringtone but still have a physical reaction to it if I'm out and about and somebody has that ringtone.

Look after yourself and read some of the stately home threads, that's what helped me stand up for myself 🌻

I can't believe how many mothers out there are like this! It's difficult being a mother of adult children. Your children are still the most important people in the world to you, just as they have been ever since they were born. But you are a long way down their order, behind partner, their children, their friends, probably behind their pets.

Then getting old there are an increasing number of things that you can no longer do. Climbing a ladder to change a light bulb, get a box out of the loft, move a piece of furniture from downstairs to upstairs, decide whether it's safer to carry a card with you or to store it on your phone for apple pay. Persuade your arthritic fingers to type in passwords before you get timed out. And you can't call in tradespeople for most of these!

If you've lost your own partner, you've also lost all the brief discussions you had about decisions. A program about scams today was saying "talk to someone in real life - someone who's not involved may spot the suspicious signs" - but with no partner, who is there to ask?

So even the most caring parent can end up being a blooming nuisance in old age.

Only talk to her on the telephone for as long as you can stand on one leg was the advice given to me 😂

@MereDintofPandiculation there’s age and bereavement related sadness and understandable responses to those - and then there’s mothers who have always made their daughters feel like shit. Conflating the two isn’t helpful to those of us in the second camp who carry more than enough guilt and have been looking for reasons/excuses for why our mothers’ don’t like us our whole lives.

Agree, I think I misunderstood @MereDintofPandiculation as having a mother in the second camp😔

When she pulls the 'oh where have you been' or 'I thought you'd left the country' play along. 'oh yes mum, I popped over to Paris for the weekend, had dinner with Macron, but thought I'd better get back to speak to you'
If she tries the 'Hello Stranger', feign concern, 'Hello Mum, are you OK? It's me Janet, has something happened?

Message understood.

So many good ideas.

I do like Meredint’s bingo one: part game, part scientific experiment. I’ve thought of 10 boxes so far. I may try it. Including nice rewards to me. It’s a shame that even hearing my mothers voice has this effect but that’s the way it is.

As John Lennon sang, whatever gets you through the night, it’s alright …

Is there a reason why you've not gone no contact @DoveGreys ?

And truly 💐 to all those dealing with historically abusive mothers, whether LC, NC or whatever. I’ve been NC several times and found it very helpful (but because of another issue this is not the best thing for me now).

Back to my bingo card and maybe rewards (though it can’t be booze all the time !) …

Oh just seen your message @Liveslow , yes there is. If I was free of another issue I would most probably or definitely be NC. So, it’s quite tricky, frustrating…

Best of luck with your situation 💐

No route is easy.

Thank you @Liveslow

I have techniques... Only doing phonecalls when I'm busy in the background to take the edge off the misery (dog walking or cleaning up etc). Grey rock technique, just not rising to it and being so grey and vague that they can't get their hooks in. Leaving it incrementally longer between calls each time, and being vague about why. Not discussing personal things.

And getting therapy! Accepting that I am an adult with my own life, and not the default teen she tries to address me as. Her opinions are not fact. Neutrally pointing out that I won't be manipulated by silent treatment or emotional outbursts (although tbf I don't even need to justify it and I gain nothing from doing this other than hearing my new boundaries out loud, she doesn't respond well to it..)