Guilty

[icecream1234]

My DM recently lost her partner after
40 years together. DM is disabled and relied on her partner a great deal. Since he has passed she expects me to visit every day
(I visit three times a week) she makes me feel guilty when I'm not there. I have four children from teenagers to late 20's in varies stages of education/work. I work full time but none of that seems to matter. I feel desperately sorry for her. I do all her shopping admin and organise cleaners carers etc. I love her very much but the guilt is tearing me apart

It doesn't matter how many or what age your DC are. Even if you have none. You are entitled to your own life. Go to the Cockroach Cafe thread for support from other people hoe are/have been there.

Do any of your kids visit? Not to care for her, just chat. Bet your mum would love that, and it would ease any loneliness.

Don’t force them (of course), but it might be worth mentioning it to the older ones.

Does she have care needs? I think if she is not coping in a practical sense it would be sensible to ask for an assessment by Adult Social Services?

Or do you think this is more about her grief? Has she had counselling from Cruse?

You need to look after yourself first, before you care for all the other loved ones in your life.

Very best wishes xx

You might find this thread helpful, OP
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4967638-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die-2

Sounds like she needs carers so your visits can just be social ones.

I really feel for you. I could visit my DM every day and she would still not be happy. I have had to accept that whatever I do she won't be happy with me so I now visit just once a week.

Just be to my DM for the fifth time this week to be told what are WE doing on Saturday as I have nothing planned for her ahhh! 😨

I’m going to be in your situation at some point in the future with my DF and/or stepmum and I feel anxious about it already. I’m not close to them physically (2 hrs away) or emotionally and I kind of think it’s their own fault for not having a social network or planning for this.

I certainly will not be visiting daily and I don’t think you should either. She needs to learn to be on her own, so maybe start getting together some groups or hobbies she might like. A bereavement group perhaps? If she doesn’t want to do these things then she’ll have to realise that she’s going to be lonely.

It is not your job to be totally responsible for her. You already do a lot anyway. Don’t feel guilty.

@snowinscotland I hope you told her you're busy