Unpleasant elderly father

[Curioustoknow1]

Never posted before, just wanted opinions please...

We're a small family- me, husband, two teenage kids, (also sister & BIL).

No contact with DH family, (he used to be abused as a child), my mom passed away 17 years ago, only have my dad.

My dad is 74 & has mobility issues, he lives in squalor & his legs keep getting infected so has a carer go in twice a week to change dressings etc. (We've tried to clean & tidy the house, but he just makes it a mess again). He lives in one room, uses a bucket in the kitchen as a toilet, so when I visit, I have to go in old dirty clothes & shower as soon as I get home. We've tried to get him help but he refuses & gets quite rude, we've even offered to get him a stair lift (he doesn't want it). He hasn't slept in a bed for years, he had a bed in the dining room but will only sleep in an arm chair, he also has alcohol issues.

Anyway, he's not a nice man, he regularly verbally abuses his neighbours whenever they walk past his house, he purposely parks his car over hanging the other neighbours drive to make it very awkward for them to get on their drive.

He completely blanks my kids, which is the issue I have, he drove to my aunts house last week to post Xmas cards (he despises my aunt), but hasn't bothered to send my kids a card. It was my son's bday on 24th December, I went to see him on 23rd, even bought him a present, but he hadn't even bothered to get my son a bday card, & didn't phone to say 'happy bday'. I told him it upsets me how he blanks the kids, but he doesn't care, he just ignores me. (My kids are teenagers & he's been vile to them all their lives, so they've become used to it, neither like him).

My kids don't want contact with him, whenever I used to take them to his house, he'd completely blank them, his house is that dirty, that my daughter ended up in hospital for two days after stepping inside the once, so after that, they'd have to stand in the garden when they visited & be ignored.

My daughter was in the car when I popped down last week, he asked me to drive him to a supermarket, he got in the car, saw my daughter & said 'I see there's someone in the back', went into the supermarket, & then when was back home again, got out the car & shut the door - didn't even acknowledge her, no 'merry Christmas', or even a 'goodbye', just shut the door & left.

My sister refuses to speak to him now (hasn't done for 18 months), & both her & my husband say I'm mad for tolerating him.

He makes me ill whenever I see him, all he does is talk about himself, moans about people etc, & makes me so annoyed my heart is racing & then I get snappy with my husband!

Even my kids don't understand why I bother, part of me feels sorry for him though, I'm sure he has mental health problems, but he's kicked me out of the house when I've suggested he needs some help.

He's such a nasty person, but he's still my dad somewhere in there - part of me thinks to just 'put up with his behaviour' & rise above it, but part of me thinks that it's almost saying it's ok for him to ignore/ blank my kids as I'm ok with it?!

Are you hoping for the Dad you want to mysteriously arise from this person?

I think a relationship with your DC is a lost cause. I understand he is their only grandparent. But even with a full suite of grandparents it’s not unusual to have lost them all by teenage years. You can’t get the past back, you have to worry about going forward, and there’s no way this guy is going to bring anything positive to their lives. Accepting this truth is not the same as saying you’re OK with his ignoring them.

The people who love you most are encouraging you to step back.
I would listen to them.

your children will mirror your behaviours in adult life.
Is the message ‘take any amount of shit thrown at you regardless of its impact on your own health and well being’ REALLY the life lesson you want them to learn from you?

I'd certainly keep the kids well away from him.

Maybe find a way to keep visits as short as possible, having an excuse that you're just dropping by on the way somewhere, or do you even need to bother with that? It doesn't sound especially as though he wants you or anyone to hang around. I'm sorry you're having to experience this - in your position I might try to make short monthly welfare checks on him, but keep it at that. That way you're doing right by him but without exposing yourself to so much negativity.

Just don't see him.
Difficult, but better in the long run. For you. Which is what matters most.

Thanks everyone. I've been having a battle in my head for a while...part of me pitying him, part of me wanting nothing to do with him. Nice to have other peoples perspectives on it. Never looked at it as setting a bad example to my kids either, so thank you for pointing it out. Was just focussed on 'putting up with him' purely because he's my dad & thought it was the right thing to do, especially as he has no one else & spends every day alone.
There's clearly a mental heath issue but not sure what I can do if he refuses help. I've been trying to visit him whilst the kids are at school on a Friday, still a painful experience! He has two untrained chihuahuas, (they use the living room as their toilet) one of them wee'd up my leg a couple of weeks ago when I was there...I didn't know whether to laugh or cry!

You need to decide what kind of help to give if any and stick to it. Personally my limit would be some organisational help e.g s food shop delivery. He sounds awful.

Honestly, I wouldn't have anything to do with him! He's beyond awful, cares nothing for you and really will never ever be the father you deserve.

He sounds terrible. You can't be getting anything out of this relationship? He sounds so nasty he wouldn't care or notice if you went NC anyway. Prioritise the people who are kind to you.

LTB

Why on earth are you exposing your children to this nasty man?

I’m no expert but he just sounds nasty; I don’t think you can blame that on a MH issue.
Ive had my own issues with a volatile father, and cut off contact for many years. It was the best thing for me, and honestly the only person you need to consider here is yourself.
You can’t change this man, he’s chosen his path and the way he wants to live. If I was you, I’d ring social services and let them know how he is living, and that you are stepping back for your own sanity.

Definitely keep your children away from him.

I wonder if you can try to ‘detach’ from him. See him as an old person who lives on his own. That doesn’t mean you have to get too personally involved. You’ve already tried that and it hasn’t helped.

Many of us know people/of people in similar situations. There were a few in my local village where I grew up.

Can you contact a social worker? Can you contact any organisations such as Friends of the Elderly?

They will have seen it all before.

Is the carer a private carer? He needs to be in the ‘system’ so his basic needs will be met although because he drives, he might not be seen as a bad case.
At some stage he may have to be hospitalised for medical needs. Before he is discharged, they will need to know he can be looked after. As awful as this sounds, you don’t want to be that person fully responsible for him.

Often this sort of thing is down to how you were parented as a child.

There is a thing called parentification when the child learns that their own emotional needs are less important than the parents. It can also happen with narcissistic and generally poor parenting.

The child grows into an adult who thinks if I just do this one more thing for them, I’ll get the recognition, thanks, validation that I’m worth loving. The problem it is never enough.

Your parent sounds thoroughly nasty and I think you have given enough.

If you need to assuage your guilt (because it’s guilt and a sense of duty) you feel, not love, then help him from afar.

Make sure his bills are paid/set up food delivery/liaise with SS. But listen to the people that love you. He is not worth another second of your time.

His actions are deliberate, he is trying to punish or upset you. The only way you can stop this is by not being in his life.

Although my mother wasn't so aggressively unpleasant, she did choose to live in a very similar kind of squalor and I gradually realised that there was nothing I could do about it until the crisis came. Which happened when she fell on the stairs but that's a whole other story.

If it helps at all, it's not uncommon at all - it's called Diogenes Syndrome and is pretty much deemed to be unfixable. The people concerned are so stubborn and independent (aka bloody minded) that they are something like three times as likely to die if hospitalised because they'd rather be dead than dependent. My mother was in hospital for ten days after the fall; then died of nothing much in particular apart from being a difficult person.

Also, alcohol abuse affects the frontal lobes, which can also result in some of this stuff. My mother also drank a lot so who knows what caused what.

But it is incredibly difficult to let go - I got such grief from the police about the state of my mother's house. As if I could do anything. Hospital social workers were very kind though; they see this stuff all the time.

Sorry, none of this is very helpful advice except to say it's not your fault and you can't fix it and be kind to yourself.

If you need to assuage your guilt (because it’s guilt and a sense of duty) you feel, not love, then help him from afar.

Make sure his bills are paid/set up food delivery/liaise with SS. But listen to the people that love you.

This is great advice.

Step back for your own and your families sanity, he won't change. Does he own or rent his house, if he lives in sqalour and is unsafe he could be referred to social services.

Thank you...my husband has said exactly the same as you. Said I can't excuse his behaviour because of any potential mental health issue & that's he's just a nasty person who chooses to live the way he does. He seems quite happy for me to go down to his house once a week, but it really drains me! I think he just sees me as someone to use...I do his online banking, pay any bills that aren't by direct debit etc, make any phone calls to doctors/ chemists etc but no one else in my family has any use (ie my kids), so if they don't have a use in his life, he doesn't see the point in them.

@Curioustoknow1 Im guessing but I suspect this is the role your mother used to play for him, and now you have taken up the reins.
Honestly, I’d let me manage his own affairs if he can’t be bothered with even the most basic social niceties.

That's really interesting! Never given that a thought! I'm really glad I posted. Thank you. When we were kids, he always used to favour me - he made it very clear he didn't like my older sister, to the point where he didn't speak to her for an entire week when she was a teenager!
He did make a 'flippant' comment a while ago saying that a child's purpose in life is to look after the parent when they get old!

Believe me there are a lot of old people who live like this ( peeing into a bucket and sleeping in an armchair every night ). They often don't want help and prefer to live like this. The being nasty is intolerable though. As others have said just distance yourself, do the bare minimium to check on him.

'A child's purpose in life'

Telling comment. Most of us don't think of the people we love as needing a purpose to be worth having around.

I have no doubt that if you weren't around, he would be happy for the teenager he currently ignores to step in. Essentially it is the purpose in life of the nearest woman to look after him.

Also, you are right! I do feel guilt & a sense of duty. I think it's my duty because he's my dad, and also feel guilty because surely he can't possibly enjoy the life he's living - it's not even a life, just an 'existence'. I keep thinking that if & when the day comes when I have a call saying he's fell again (he's had several falls & now has a pendant around his neck) but that this time it's fatal, that I won't be able to live with myself & will feel guilty for 'not doing more'.

Dump the situation. My mother catered to her fucking awful mother in a similar way and it irrevocably damaged our relationship and the relationship she had with my father and people who loved her. If you feel the need you could lay down some straight talking with him. Tell him he’s an aresehoke on his last chance.but it sounds like this is who he is.

These poor dogs ! They need to be found a loving, caring and clean home.

He chooses to live in squalor, does he own or rent the property ?

The property sounds ' filthy and verminous ' (I am surprised carers even go in) Report it to Environmental Health.

Keep your children away from him, he isn't interested in them so don't waste their time anymore and drop your hopes/expectations of him re cards / presents.
The children are of no use to him so he doesn't see any point in bothering.

If he falls and dies at home, feel happy that he has had the death he would undoubtedly choose. Most people would much rather die at home than after weeks in hospital plus months or years in a nursing home. Understand that he is an adult who is making rational choices according to his own preferences. The only help he will accept is yours, and he probably frames that in his mind as being for YOUR benefit, given that your 'purpose in life' is to help him. However, you have other responsibilities, to yourself and to your own family, and what you do for him should be only what doesn't harm you.