So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 2

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4866628-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die?page=1
Carrying on from our original discussion

So happy for you jellyboots. Please rest and do something you love. I’m a lot older than you, but my mum has been in a care home now for five weeks and I still feel and look terrible! But it took years of caring to feel so bad, so I suppose it’s going to take some time to feel better.
I hadn’t thought about that aspect to it, I didn’t have time to think anyway. Please don’t be me and carry on for years, putting everything first, no good for you or anyone else for that matter. Good luck

I think you're about my age and I couldn't imagine looking after an aged parent for the long period of time, the way you have.

Is there an update from the SW yet about your mum?

TheShellBeach. Hi. No haven’t heard anything yet. I asked her how long it would be, she said she had no idea, hope it’s not long and she can stay where she is. The thought of having to start all over again looking for an extra care place fills me with dread !

@JellyWellyBoots , seconding the other posters here. Keep your expectations of yourself very low and kind. Today is not the day to start cleaning, for example.
@Metoo15 I really hope that the merry-go-round can stop for you now. The anxiety of 'what next' is almost worse than the actual 'what next'

I get back from drop off, make myself a cup of tea, get under the blanket & check my phone.

Big mistake.

DF is currently visiting family a few hours away, his sister drove him. we delayed respite so he could do this. The plan was she would take him there on the way back.

He tells me they won't be back in time to check him in at the care home before the deadline, this means the place will be lost and funding will be cancelled. He then tells me he might have to come home & I will have to take him in the morning. I told him there won't be a place in the morning & that I am under no circumstances having him back home tonight. I said I am having my break.

He told me to fuck off.

So instead of spending the day resting, I have been panicking all morning on the phone, trying to ensure his place will be secure, & urging his sister to drop him off earlier. I am now public enemy number one.
How fucking dare I stand my ground.
Deep down I knew it wouldn't be that easy.
So yeah I got what I wanted, but him and his sister hate me. I can't win.

What on earth does his sister think she's doing?!

So yeah I got what I wanted, but him and his sister hate me. I can't win.

So fucking what! Let them hate you all they like. Stand your ground. If his sister is so concerned, she can take over looking after him.

They are totally trying to manipulate you. Is there somewhere you can go and stay, and leave the house totally locked and secure? Or tell his sister it sounds like she has a 'house guest' for the foreseeable?

And maybe turn your phone off? I know it's easier said than done.

@JellyWellyBoots I'm so sorry. I agree that this was deliberate and probably planned between them in advance as a tactic to evade the respite. I echo @ajandjjmum - try to have a tactic for their planned return. I would anticipate that their next move will be for the sister to drop him off outside the house and drive away immediately, trying to force your hand into taking him back in. If the house is in darkness and there's no-one home (or seeming that way), it might foil their efforts. Also if your phone is off.

I really feel for you. I hope that he will take up the respite even in light of what's happened. You've done more than your fair share and your time and health is very precious. Please look after yourself. xx

I think it was deliberate also, I told her if they don't get there in time then she will have to have him for the same amount of time he would have stayed there.

I'm not trying to be difficult but I'm putting my daughter & health first. I've done everything I can but we all have our limits. I don't feel well, as in my body feels like I've run a marathon, my head is so heavy & I just want to cry.

It feels so fucking unfair, all week long we've been trying to arrange this, & then this happens.

Im so beyond done & even considering whether I want to take him back at all after this. Telling me to fuck off after everything I've done for him. All they had to do was show up, I sorted all the rest.

@JellyWellyBoots. Bless you. I don't think you are being difficult at all. You sound like a magnificent person in an impossible situation. What has happened today is absolutely unacceptable - if at all possible I would use this as the grounding for not having him back at all. You can't go through all this again. Especially being told to fuck off. Appalling.

Sending you many good wishes. I hope things get better for you. You are a good person and the world is a better place because you are in it.

Best wishes to everyone on here who is going through this wretchedness. xx

Oh love how awful. I would do what he told you to do, go away for the night or weekend. Does he have a key though ? Get him back in there and tell them you’re unwell and can’t have him at home anymore. Absolutely terrible behaviour you deserve so much more.

Has your DF got his own key? If not I’ll also advocate for going out for the evening and leaving the house secure and dark. Take your DD for pizza and the pictures? You have to have your phone off at the cinema.

@JellyWellyBoots what a terrible thing to do to you.

I'm sure they planned this.

It's outrageous of them.

I absolutely would turn off my phone, turn out the lights and (in true MN fashion) not answer the door.

I'm raging on your behalf. Honestly, leave this with your aunt to sort out now.

She has made it her problem. Let her sort it out.

If he has got his own key then I’d also consider changing the barrel of your lock, regardless. You would then be in control of if he ever stepped foot inside your house again.

He's there. Panic over.
Today was a day of stress that I really could have done without.

I mean it could have been completely innocent but I was so angry as I had a feeling something would happen as they said yesterday they will 'try' to be there on time.

Why is it every time I stand firm and put my foot down people have a massive issue and think I'm a nasty old bitch?

@JellyWellyBoots thank goodness for the that. They don't like you putting your foot down because it inconveniences them, they want you to do as you are told. They don't care that you are inconvenienced because they are selfish.

I'm not so angry with my dad, he gets confused and isn't thinking straight. It's more his sister, who knew how important this was to me as I have asked her more times than I can count to have him stay with her so I can have a break.
Anyway when I told her he would have to stay with her if they didn't make it she then managed to get him there. She wasn't keen on the idea in the first place.

Good for you - she'll know now that you mean business, and not try to manipulate you so much. Hopefully she's learned her lesson!

Well, that's very interesting.

She backtracked when you put your foot down, and somehow managed to get him there when you told her she would have to look after him herself.

She's incredibly selfish and demanding.

I've been treated pretty badly from the get go to be honest. People think they can pull the wool over my eyes & I'll just take it & smile.

Thank you all so much for all the supportive & encouraging messages. This thread has really been a life line recently.

@JellyWellyBoots I’m so glad that your Dad finally got to the respite home but feel really angry about the additional and totally unnecessary stress you were put through. Please think very, very seriously about having him back. Now your Dad is somewhere safe and being looked after now would be the time to refuse to continue caring for him. You can’t be forced to look after him even though social services will try to guilt trip you.

I believe in China children are legally responsible for the care of their elderly parents. I could 100% see a law such as this being introduced here to reduce the care burden on the state. I also believe it could well have popular support. People who haven't been there, have no idea.

In Singapore the government gives adult children tax breaks if they live within 300 metres of their elderly parents. They also try much harder with health and try to get their citizens to lead healthier lives. There are a lot more nudges and incentives In Singapore than here. If you think in terms of a health span instead of a lifespan, they try to extend that. The drain on the state of a person with multiple co-morbidities is huge as so many of us know.

how does that work with the 1 child policy which means that one married couple would be supporting 4 elderly parents with no sibling assistance.

it would also be horrendous to be the elderly parent who is at the mercy of a child who doesn’t get on with them. Also, what happens to the elderly with no children?

I can’t see it working in the UKs culture. Parents are responsible for children until adulthood as they chose to bring them into the world or into their family through adoption. Children didn’t choose to exist or choose their parents, and thus no legal or moral obligation should be created in that direction.

I’d be happy to see a campaign to raise awareness and get us all to plan better for what we want our twilight years to look like. Particularly if we should reach the point of slowly declining mental and physical health.