So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 2

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4866628-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die?page=1
Carrying on from our original discussion

Nobody overrides her wishes unless she doesn't understand what she is taking on.

If she wants to go home and either die there or have repeated hospital admissions, that is up to her. I hope she will accept a pendant alarm so that she can at least call for help.

@JellyWellyBoots the good support workers and social workers know just which buttons to press to get people to he sensible and are worth their weight in gold.

Thanks for your replies. She has a pendant alarm. Sorry about the typos in my earlier posts, glad to see you understood them!

@JellyWellyBoots Please make the most of the respite when your Dad finally goes. Two weeks really is a very short time so don’t get drawn into visiting your Dad in the home or running backwards and forwards to meet his demands. It’s probably easy for me to say as I had a very difficult childhood but you really need to take a massive step back. I’d block his number for part of the day and do this with the home as well because if they can get hold of you they definitely will. As I’ve said previously I’d seriously consider not having him back.

So happy for you Jellyboots hopefully you’ll have time to clear your head and think about the future of your family. I do think you’ve had enough and come to the end of your road. Please take care of yourself and your DD.

I don’t think that holds water. They’ll have grown up knowing their place in the pecking order (give your seat up for adults, don’t butt in when adults are talking etc), they have the weight of their parents having been through the war for their sake (to have been active in even just the last year of the war you have to be at least 97 years old). And once they reached retirement age they’d have been the butt of all the casual ageism on MN and in the country in general.

Think it’s more likely to be simply that as your own needs grow, the less space you have to be concerned about other people’s needs.

I'm now retired and I also don't recognise the description of entitlement which PP has assigned to older people.

@TheShellBeach I think its down to individual attitudes, my DM now she's had a little push has become self sufficient since DF went into care (he is very controlling and destroyed her confidence) but DF is definitely and has always been very very entitled believing that the rest of the family were there to serve his every whim (especially the females) which is why we butted heads as I have no time for that kind of behaviour and refused to be bullied by him. DM keeps saying to me if I get like dad shove me in a home I can't stand the thought of you all running around after me.

@Tara336 maybe it was simply because he was male? Nothing to do with his age.

It's depressingly true that a great many men believe that women should run around after them.

Mine do seem to have a sense of entitlement - in previous generations it appears the elderly were just looked after, that was the expectation. With the proviso that they didn't live as long with so many complex needs then. People lived closer together. More women working now, having kids later etc etc.

So mine just assume the same will happen. Also that their word trumps everyone else's because of showing respect and elderly person knows best. The men were a bit worse because more helpless to start with - I don't have any elderly men left to care for now - but they all think they're entitled to their younger relatives running around after them.

Whereas to me it's very much based on practicality (everything else in my life which I have to juggle and distance) and other things. I'm not going to run round now after someone who completely failed to support me during a difficult pregnancy, birth and first year, for example, and who has actively avoided being an involved grandparent (I'm not talking about childcare as I never expected that but just being interested when it wasn't a performance for her friends).

@lsedd im definitely up for that, 100%. Im happy to be interviewed or scribble down my random thoughts, anything that would help bring light to this issue

One problem, I think interviews would have to 100% anonymous. If people spoke these thoughts out loud they would be hounded out of town. One thing repeatedly shown and voiced in public and in politics, is that the ONLY person that matters in all of this is the elderly person needing care.

NC fail?

I'd also be glad to be interviewed.

I’m not sure I quite agree with this. My view is that lots of people as they get older revert back through their childhood.
So they start being like a reckless teen; driving when they shouldn’t, taking too much medicine (drugs) etc.

Then they become like a primary age child not able to cook or clean for themselves or deal with paperwork.
When they get even older it’s the baby stage so nappies, dribbling and having to be fed.
Im signing up for Dignitas soon!

Hello everyone. We're just bobbing on here to say that, after a quick chat off the boards with @lsedd, we've withdrawn their posts.

The reason for this is that, while we appreciate that lsedd has gone about it very sensitively and can absolutely see the merit in the proposed article, we have a blanket ban on this sort of request in our main topics.

If we allowed writers to ask for case studies on any thread, the site would end up being overrun and MNers would be totally bombarded with unwanted approaches, which would be awful.

So lsedd has instead agreed to post a media request in the Press topic instead, where we allow these sorts of threads, and we'll direct you to this when it has been sorted.

Thanks all for your understanding about this.

Hello again.

Just to let you all know that@lsedd has now placed the request in our Media Requests topic.

Please take a look Media request: caring for elderly relatives | Mumsnet here if you'd like to get in touch about it.

I have emailed her :)

@JellyWellyBoots How are things ? Been wondering how you are getting on

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew How thoughtful of you!
He left yesterday, I admit i am feeling a little guilty but deep down I know I need this.
I feel really heavy & tired today. It's the first day in months I will have completely alone. DD is in school, DF isn't here & I have the day off work.
I've never felt exhaustion like this before. It's all consuming.

You're going to find it hard not to do anything because you're so used to being busy. Plus if you're anything like me you will be thinking "I must make the most of this break". But I think I might go back to bed today in your shoes and try to sleep

But I think I might go back to bed today in your shoes and try to sleep This. Don’t be surprised if you actually feel worse to begin with. The brain is good at knowing when it has to keep going at all costs, and when it can rest and let all the feelings out