How did or how does your elderly parent get on in their care home?

[LindorDoubleChoc]

I'm starting this thread because I have read a lot of mixed reactions on Mumsnet to parents or other elderly relatives living in care.

On the various threads I've been on, there's always someone saying "I could never put DMum in a care home!" and, equally, "I've told my children to never put me in a care home!".

It's like it's the worst thing that can happen to a parent, other than death. Unfortunately where we are now (in the UK at least) you [one] can't choose when to die.

I suspect these people who object so strongly do not have full-time jobs, they live nearby to their parents, and/or have previously close and loving relationships with them.

My DM (92) is in a pretty luxurious care home and has sold her house to pay for it. She's been there for 12 months. It's not perfect and she has the usual gripes (repeated every time I speak to her) but overall she appreciates what she has. It would have been absolutely impossible for her to carry on living at home - even with a full time carer living in. Because without the proceeds from the sale of the house, she wouldn't have been able to afford it.

My DM's mental health has improved remarkably since living there. She is no longer as anxious, the great long "to do" list has been taken away, someone is always around to talk to her or help her. She hasn't made friends particularly (but she's anti-social like that) and she grumbles about the food sometimes. But she's maintained a BMI of 27/28 whilst there so it can't be that appalling.

That's a positive story. My pretty indepent mum went to respite while her flat was modernised , caught covid, fell, ended up needing higher level of care.never walked again, completely gave up but she tried her best. She died 6 months later. I have never really come to terms with the guilt of letting famoly bully her into moving.

Beautifully until she died with increasing levels of need over the five years. She was happy, engaged, treated with gentleness and respect, lovely staff and it was the best decision we could have made. Even when she lost the ability to think, move independently or communicate, the care was exceptional.
I visited several times a week and never had any concerns.

I'm so sorry. Your poor mum.

But please let go of the guilt. None of it was your fault. Your mum would not want you to feel guilt xxx

My dad has been in a nursing home for the last 10 months and overall has settled in well, but the first few months were very hard, he would pace around and get quite agitated, we struggled to get him to eat anything. He had been moved from the hospital to the nursing home as we could no longer care for him (he has advanced dementia and needs full time care) so the change was difficult.

At one stage we had a crisis meeting with the care team and doctor, who told us he didn't have long left as not eating/ struggling to swallow etc. was the end stages of the disease.
Well that was a few months ago and he's carried on fine actually, yes he keeps losing weight and we worry about that but generally he's content and well cared for. He eats dessert mostly, and drinks a lot of juices. We know that at some stage if he gets sick he probably will not recover as his body doesn't have the reserves to cope. But it was distressing for all of us trying to force him to eat, so we have come to an acceptance that this is part of the disease, but as long as he's not in pain or distress that's ok.

The team in the NH are mostly lovely, and know him well. My mother, sister and I visit him several times a week and he's well looked after.
I'm very grateful for the care he is getting, and my mother was also one of those people who didn't want to put him in a nursing home, but after several years caring for him at home we just couldn't cope anymore. People who have never done it just don't understand.

My mum went into a home after going into hospital and waiting for an increased care package. She had the beginnings of dementia but I was in denial. It was only when she was in hospital that it became apparent how much I was holding her together and at what cost to my own health.

She was moved to a rehab facility where her dementia really manifested itself. She was there for several months and then moved to a nursing home. She hated it at first and was terribly depressed but as the dementia progressed she became more contented. She has been there just over two years now, has very little language left and no concept of time but is happy and full of smiles when I visit although often she doesn't know who I am.

The staff are lovely and know her well, teasing her and openly (but appropriately) affectionate.

My PILs aren't in a care home, but they live in retirement accommodation and a carer comes twice a day for my MIL's care needs. I have only positive things to say about it - so much better than if they'd stayed in their house.

We had no choice but to move my mum into a care home 6 months ago. She's only 75 but has dementia and needs 24 hour care. She looks 10 years younger now she's being cared for properly and her severe anxiety has improved immensely. Best thing we could have done for her.

My mum was in one from 2017 to 2020 (when she died of covid there). I wouldn't say she was happy there a lot of the time just because she wasn't happy anywhere, but she was much less unhappy there than she'd been at home for some years, kindly treated, and she even put on weight since she got 3 meals a day (she'd not been bothering much for herself at home) including quite massive bowls of ice cream which did make her happy! It's a lovely home and I would think of going there myself when my time comes.

When I was there visiting, she hated it.
when others visited, she was like Hyacinth Bucket, asking for afternoon tea for her friends and showing them round as if it was Buckingham Palace.

As her dementia got worse, with my permission, the staff would video her for me on occasion. This always showed her joining In The activies, offering to paint other residents (and staff) nails, and generally really happy and settled.

This was heartbreaking for me as she’d beg me to let her go home.with me (she thought I was her mum)

The staff were amazing. It was a 15 bed care home and more like a family setting. She would have been lost in a bigger home I believe.

My mum had a very short time in care (it was the beginning of COVID and unfortunatly she caught it and died), but on that occasion and on respite stays before, she enjoyed it way more than I'd thought she would. Stuff going on around her, and a predicatable routine plus lots of visual clues made it work for her form of dementia.
A colleague has both parents in care long term (plus another very close family member) and in spite of challenging behaviour it has worked very well, and she's very happy with the care they all get there, and how it allows them to have a relationship still but the more able of the three still gets stimulation and other options to do things

My mother was 92 when she went into a nursing home, there wasn’t any other choice because she needed 24 hour care (very frail, multiple falls, stubborn and struggled to walk). My father went to the same place three months later, terminally ill, aged 97. He’d refused carers, was unable to do anything for my mother. The situation was verging on being a safeguarding concern.
There was no option, my mother should have been there at least 12 months earlier but flatly refused to even discuss carers or any other options.
They were both very well looked after, mum still insisted she could cope at home to the end 🙄. She couldn’t get out of a chair, walk, wash or dress herself etc so completely unrealistic but extremely stubborn.

Mine chose to go into one as she was getting frail and very worried on her own at home. It removed all the stress about security and home maintenance, being scammed by tradesmen type stuff. Also managing shopping, cleaning etc.

It gave her a whole new lease of life for several years - she ate a lot better, enjoyed more company and activities but could retreat to her room when she needed to. Staff in the home were lovely, very kind and thoughtful.

It really all depends on the home to be honest - there are good and bad and shopping around is important - you can often get a feel for a place by visiting and chatting to residents.

My late OH needed nursing home care - all other options had been tried and failed. He had longstanding Parkinsons Disease and fell and broke his hip which required surgery from which he never really recovered. He became immobile, incontinent, confused and paranoid.

I looked at several nursing homes, one of which reduced me to tears in the car park - there was no way my musical, intellectual and learned husband was going to end his life in such a dump. It filled me with fury to think that people were living there and that the inspectorate deemed it a fit place for sick people.

But I found an excellent newly built nursing home where he received very good (but not perfect) care. The cost was eye-watering, but eventually, after he died, I appealed the refusal of continuing care funding and won - they repaid me all the money we had paid out on care at home and in the nursing home. www.beaconchc.co.uk is a source of information about this funding].

Most of the care staff in the nursing home were absolutely wonderful and there were lots of activities going on for those who were well enough. As always there were a couple of staff that left something to be desired - bossy and patronising - but on the whole we were happy with his care.

My nan was in one after a stroke left her unable to be cared for at home any longer.
She was very happy there. One day she told us that she'd been out in the fields,watching a combine harvester. We thought that she was having a senior moment,until the staff told us,that,no,she actually had been out to watch the harvest coming in.
Bless them,they knew that she was a farmer's wife,and that it would make her happy,so they arranged for her to go and watch for a bit.
It made all the difference to her.

My mum went into one after developing Lewy Bodies dementia, sort of a cross between Alzheimer's and Parkinson's. She stayed at home for 6 years living in an annex I had built next to my house. But it got to the point when she had no idea who we were and we struggled to care for her, she was doubly incontinent, couldn't walk, struggled to feed herself etc. She would fall quite often and my dad, who had medical issues of his own, couldn't pick her up. We found a lovely care home for her, dad went every day and she couldn't have been more cared for. The staff were absolutely lovely, the owners fantastic and we felt blessed.
My Dad however had to go into a different care home when he developed vascular dementia following covid. The home was huge, very clinical and corporate. It had fantastic facilities but he couldn't take advantage of them so there was little point, he spent weeks in his room alone as they didn't have enough staff to supervise. I accept that covid had a huge impact on the home but it just wasn't " right"

We persuaded my dm to have two weeks in a care home as a 'holiday' after an op. We were hoping she would like it so much she'd want to stay.

After about 36 hours she called a cab and went home. 😁

Then she lived at home with only a panic button, for another 7 years, until about a week before she died.

Finding it hard to write this but here goes..

My Mum started showing signs of Alzheimer's just before COVID.. My Dad was terminally I'll with cancer..
We as a family did our best..

Mum started accusing Dad of assaulting her (I can't even write which type of assault as it's so sad.) Dad was devastated.

She was leaving the house in the night and going to the (wonderful) neighbours who called us.

During a moment of lucidity she took an overdose..

She went into a home that night.. I rang over 26 homes...

She was distraught and so were we but all of us had jobs and all of us had exhausted our bosses patience with time off being called when she went missing..

Dad was absolutely shattered and crying all the time as she was badgering him all day and all night.

After trying to take her own life my very poorly, exhausted, devastated Dad realised we couldn't keep her safe anymore..

After 4 weeks she had just started to settle in the home.. (even telling us to go as bingo was on!)
When she then fell and broke her hip.. after a few weeks in hospital she was sent to a rehabilitation unit but she seemed to just give up.. that was hard..

She spent 8 wks there until a place was found in a local care home.. My Dad was able to visit daily and whilst it was very sad for them they settled into a routine. She begun to not ask to go 'home' and would happily leave us at the door.. it was a time of calm after a horrendous few years..
Unfortunately a year later Dad died and she's declined rapidly.. she's stopped getting involved with activities.
The staff treat Mum really well..

She is generally ok..not exactly happy but never asks to leave..she enjoys day's out but is eager to go back to the home.

So in answer to your question.. sometimes there's no choice but to place someone you love dearly into a care home..

I actually corrected someone who told me they'd 'never put their Mum in a home'...(their Mum was placid and happy to sit watching TV all day) I was so upset and told them exactly why my Mum was in a care home.. that shut them up..

This has been an epic post.. sorry..

Good luck in whatever you decide you have to do..

Marylou 62 I'm so sorry you have to go through this. My mum ended up in a nursing home. She had heart failure and this caused delusions and dementia type symptoms due to lack of oxygen. My dad looked after her at home with carers help but it got too much for him. She was waking him up all hours of the night saying there was someone in the house. Its A horrible horrible time and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Sending healing thoughts to you and your family x

V similar to loads here my dad went into one after a fall and his dememtia and physical health got worse - hospital and an intial placement were awful but the expensive home near my mums we moved him too was just lovely - the odd thing we needed to sort but in general he couldnt have been better cared for - really changed my views on care homes

My DM has Alzheimer’s and went into a nursing home after being sectioned and spending months in a psychiatric hospital. I tried everything possible to keep her at home for as long as I could and realistically she wasn’t safe at home for about 2.5 years before being sectioned.
I viewed 11 different homes and the one she is in is lovely, my mum genuinely seems happy there, she tell me she loves her room and the staff. There aren’t many activities but for my mum getting dressed and going to the dining room for a meal is an activity. It’s warm , cozy and safe and you can’t compare her life to living in her own home feeling confused , hungry and lonely.
She accepts all the care at the home but wouldn’t accept any help other than from me in her own place.

Thankyou...
I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy.
I was very sad but relieved when my Dad died.. he'd been so so poorly for years.
I'm devastated about my lovely Mum.. I'm actually up for the weekend to celebrate her birthday (I live 250 miles away)..

The firsts really really hurt......but it does get easier x one minute, one hour, one day at a time x peace and love x

My dad lives in a nursing home. He moved there in the year my mother died when it became clear that at 91 he couldn't look after himself and it wouldn't work to move across the country to me as I have a job that can be 12 hour days. (Plus, lets be honest, we would kill each other, some way or another). he wasn't keen as he doesn't have dementia, but we found somewhere close to where he lived so friends can visit and he tells me that he is "content". Its a good place and the best option for him - and me. My husband's aunt spent a long time in a lovely nursing home but that was after a time in a different one where they refused to believe her bowel was impacted and she nearly died.

My MIL is in a nursing home. Parkinson’s, dementia, completely immobile. But she appears to be kept clean, fed, watered etc. I have no idea what’s going on inside her head. The staff seem to be okay as far as I can tell. She absolutely wouldn’t have wanted to go in, but she didn’t have any choice in the end.

i don’t care how good the home is though, i hope i die before i go into one. I will tell my children to do it though, if it’s the only option. I don’t want them to end up as my carers. If there was any way to choose not to end up like my MIL, I’d take it.

MIL was one who wasn't happy in a care home, but like a pp's parent, she was unhappy anywhere that didn't match the longings inside her own head, which were of an idyllic childhood that never really happened. There wasn't any choice about placing her; she'd spent months on a psychiatric unit after being sectioned, and it wasn't safe for her husband to have her living at home.
I've already made it clear to my family that I don't want any anguish over putting me into a care home. There were way too many crises before FIL would accept the inevitable and admit he couldn't cope, even with the support of adult children and their spouses.