How did or how does your elderly parent get on in their care home?

[LindorDoubleChoc]

I'm starting this thread because I have read a lot of mixed reactions on Mumsnet to parents or other elderly relatives living in care.

On the various threads I've been on, there's always someone saying "I could never put DMum in a care home!" and, equally, "I've told my children to never put me in a care home!".

It's like it's the worst thing that can happen to a parent, other than death. Unfortunately where we are now (in the UK at least) you [one] can't choose when to die.

I suspect these people who object so strongly do not have full-time jobs, they live nearby to their parents, and/or have previously close and loving relationships with them.

My DM (92) is in a pretty luxurious care home and has sold her house to pay for it. She's been there for 12 months. It's not perfect and she has the usual gripes (repeated every time I speak to her) but overall she appreciates what she has. It would have been absolutely impossible for her to carry on living at home - even with a full time carer living in. Because without the proceeds from the sale of the house, she wouldn't have been able to afford it.

My DM's mental health has improved remarkably since living there. She is no longer as anxious, the great long "to do" list has been taken away, someone is always around to talk to her or help her. She hasn't made friends particularly (but she's anti-social like that) and she grumbles about the food sometimes. But she's maintained a BMI of 27/28 whilst there so it can't be that appalling.

My DM was adamant that she wasn't going into care, but one of her friends had a talk with her and told her it really was the best thing - and from that moment she was fine with it.

The lovely small home she was in closed and I had to move her to another one. When I took her there I sat with her for a while, then said I would leave and let her settle in. She said, "I am settled". To be fair, she was doing exactly what she had been doing at home, but with the bonus of not having to shop, get her meals, do any washing, housework etc. She was happy, I was happy - and to be honest when I visited her I came to the decision that if the time comes when I struggle to cope alone at home I will be more than happy to move into one myself.

I always get really sad by people saying “I never want to be put in a carehome”. You just don’t know the situations you might get in in life. I’ve cared eight years for my father, while I also had young kids and a job. And then 2 years ago it got really bad, he couldn’t walk anymore, just lay in bed all day. Three times a day a carer would come, not nearly enough, there was still loads of work left on me…. I just couldn’t handle it, it was too much. Then we managed to get him into a carehome and it was the best thing! They got him a special wheelchair and he can actually move around a little, sit upright, engage with people. So happy about it! He looks healthy and happy and years younger then before… and I do too! :D

First home terrible, second home really well. My mum had longstanding severe physical disabilities and was then diagnosed with Alzheimers and delirium after starting to behave very strangely during the pandemic. She had had visiting care which she managed herself. We'd hoped she would be able to come home and continue (it wasn't immediately clear that she had anything other than delirium which might resolve at home). However, it became clear that there was dementia in play and the combination of her physical and mental disabilities required 24 hour care.

My mum was quite a difficult patient (oppositional and aggressive, though limited due to her physical disabilities). The first home she was at, a respite option post-hospital, neglected her appallingly (although they found the time to phone me every two days to complain about her behaviour as if she was a naughty schoolgirl - I kept having to point out that she was very ill and lacked capacity) and as a result she was readmitted to hospital with a further infection. (It was during the pandemic so I wasn't able to visit her and they let the infection get very bad before they sent her to hospital.)

The second home, however, was really good: proper track record with complex patients, staff who really understood her and were able to form a proper relationship with her. She still wasn't easy but you could see that they genuinely enjoyed her good days and managed her bad days very well. Some aspects of her physical care improved immensely and she ended up surviving another 2 years in their care which were as happy as they could be given the overall picture.

I think that many people who object to care homes don't understand what 24 hour care to someone with dementia and/or physical disabilities involves, and have probably also (to be fair) seen a lot of exposes of terrible care homes that have put them off.

Agreed

My mum went into a care home two weeks ago after being in hospital 7 weeks. She’s already improved and although she has no appetite is eating a lot more this she did.
It was their Xmas party yesterday, I went too and it was lovely to see how much she was enjoying it.
The down side is she’s there on a temporary basis as she’s refusing to believe she needs full time care. She believes in time she’ll get better and can go home. The social worker is coming to see her in a few weeks, she’ll see an improvement, but I’m sincerely hoping she’ll stay for good.

My experience was even a not great care home is still signifcantly better than the care in hospital - my local hospital is nornally excellent but the care my dad recieved there was not good at all

Hospitals aren’t staffed up to help with eating and toileting, they don’t have the systems to cope with talking to someone confused or deaf, let alone liaising with family who could ease the communication. Given that half their patients are elderly, you’d think it would be worth addressing this.

@MereDintofPandiculation yes its truely shocking - also it was a dementia ward and as i pointed out in my complaint dementia patients cant entertain themselves

My mum was in hospital about 20 years ago - NHS, bog standard. Her mobility had become very poor and during her longish stay there physios came every day and made her get up and walk. She left more mobile than she arrived. But I don't think they have the time or resources to do that work now. It's a real shame. So much of the cost of a hospital stay now is loss of self-care and independence.

FIL did really well in the care home.

He had dementia, used to go to a day centre there. MIL arranged for him to go for a week's respite - basically took him to day centre and then didn't pick him up. He was absolutely fine with it.

By the end of a week MIL was clear he wasn't coming home, it was too exhausting.

He never seemed to realise he wasn't a home, the care staff had endless patience with him and it was definitely the right decision.