Dp refusing carers

[Yellowbricks28]

Df been in hospital following illness. It has been a long recovery and although much better will need some assistance once home. Dm not particularly mobile but gets around ok. They live together in a bungalow.
Dm has said she doesn’t want carers and that they’ll rely on me and db. Obviously at present we don’t know the extent of the needs at home, but I’m not sure I want to commit to this and db isn’t v reliable I feel like it will be all on me.
what are my options here, do I have any? Aibu? Please be kind I’m v stressed, the hospital stay with df has been difficult and I know I’m probably being quite selfish. Is it worth waiting to see what the care needs are before seeing what would be reasonable or not before stressing over this?

Sorry in my head dp=parents but realised could also mean partner. Apologies!

It's not up to your parents to decide you're going to help with their care.

In the nicest possible way, you need to harden your heart a little and not allow yourself to be railroaded into a situation that isn't sustainable.

What have the hospital said about arrangements for getting your df home? Who can you speak to, regarding your willingness or not to take on care?

Do you have any idea of what care he will need - do the hospital staff currently need to help him get washed, dressed etc ? Can he get out of bed independently ? If a care package is recommended, then they could trial it and if he improves as he finds his feet once home, then it could be scaled down. I guess it might take a few weeks to assess at home exactly what help he will need or whether any adaptions need to be done. Things like extra grab rails, a lever on the bed, raised toilet seat could all really help. hopefully they will do an OT assessment.

Thanks for your reply. The hospital have said v little so far, communication is very poor. But going by the improvement in his recovery and is doing most things himself now I am imagining discharge won’t be too far in the future. I’m wondering what the process is, whether I’ll even have an option. The difficulty is if I say no he can’t leave hospital?

Thanks @Babyroobs maybe I’m just jumping the gun as far as I’m aware he’s not had an assessment yet. Currently needs help in middle of night to toilet and help to shower. I imagine there’ll be discharge planning and that’s where there’ll be discussion around what’s needed and care package options

Based on my experience with my DM I would strongly recommend they accept the care - if you can persuade them to do so! Although we got funding for care for my DM, due to staffing shortages we never actually got any and between 3 of us did 24 hour care. It was a different situation to you as she was terminally ill and it was short term but I would say it is one of the hardest things I've ever done.

You don't have to take this on.

Your dm may expect you and your brother to do this but looking after an elderly parent is emotionally exhausting and takes a real toll.

Many elderly people are very resistant to carers as they expect family to do it - often just daughters so at least your dm is being an equal opportunities mother in that respect.

In the elderly parents section there is a long running thread called the cockroach cafe for people dealing with elderly parents. It's worth a read and you'll get support there as well.

In general while someone is in hospital, or at the point of discharge it's relatively easy to get carers sorted as the hospital want their bed back. Once the elderly parent is done it can be a lot more difficult to get it arranged.

Once the elderly parent is HOME

Ok so he could possibly have carers once a day to help shower him. things like a shower seat may help if they have a walk in shower. He's unlikely to get 24 hour carers so I guess your mum will need to be able to safely help him get to the toilet in the night or could possibly have a commode by the bed if he's at risk of falls. Sometimes it's just a matter of making things easier, using bottle or commode. Be reassured they should do a full assessment. Even if you can help in the day you can't be there all night and shouldn't be expected to do personal care like showering. If your mum can't do the caring , then she will need to accept carers coming in, hard though that may be. It's great they are in a bungalow already.

The hospital may offer 6 week re-ablement carers - my dad had this followings my one stay in hospital.

So there are options of short and long term carers - your mum might be happier with 6 weeks?

Next time your DM says they'll rely on you - literally laugh and say "no Mum I am not being a carer for either of you so you need to have carers. Would you like me to help sort that out or not?".

Far better to refuse from now than have to step back when it's all too much in the future.

Absolutely do not allow your mother to dump this on you if he is assessed as needing carers. Make it clear to social work doing the discharge assessment that you are not a person of the regular care plan and be tough with your mother. It will only get worse from here on in and she will have to accept either no help or external help: you cannot be expected to do it all.

This is really good advice.

We are going through this.
Dm has accepted carer once a day for dressing and washing.
We all work and only one lives near by.
You need to say no - can't imagine your dad would be happy with you helping him shower ..,even if you moved in 24/7.
If your dad needs you to say, you will help on discharge, or he can't leave hospital, that's would indicate, that your dad needs quite a lot of help, and your mum is playing it down.
As she always been demanding?

Agree with Wanttobekind. You are not obligated to that level of care. Bear in mind, that there will likely be many areas where your help will be needed - driving, follow-up appointments, shopping, meds, relieving your mum etc.
You do not also need to be doing personal care.
My experience of 2 parents and a MIL is that it snowballs, and quickly moves from help to dependency. And there is a limit to what you can take on while still maintaining something of your own life.

Well helping him to the toilet in the middle of the night is impossible unless you actually live with him. He needs a commode by the bed for starters and can't come home until he can safely negotiate his way onto that himself.

Carers can come in in the morning and help shower and clean up commode etc.

Be very clear you can't do that actual care but will help with facilitating carers.

Unless there is a care package set up, they can't come home.

But there is so much more than just personal care. Cleaners for the house, help with laundry, help with shopping, life admin such as insurance and bill paying.

Work out what of that you are willing to help with on a regular basis. Be firm, the list of things they need help can grow quite large. At some point they may just not be able to be in the house anymore.

It can snowball really quickly. My sister in law ended up never being able to take a holiday as her parents 'didn't want carers'. They were happy for her to be on call every day of the year and she got so far into caring for them she couldn't see her way out. It just happened to her as they assumed she'd do it, there was never a discussion in the first place or at any point after.

Just say no. If he can't leave so be it.
Surely your DM wouldn't expect you to sacrifice the best years of your life indefinitely to their needs at the end of theirs?! Would she?
I would think far less of them if they were happy with this.
Bear in mind whatever you agree to will escalate, and trying to get car in down the line will be ten times harder.
Your own family come first and your DP need to start spending what they've no doubt 'scrimped and saved for all their life', buy in care and be decent enough parents to leave you free of the burden.
I have several friends on antidepressants having taken on this role.

You absolutely need to look into carers. Sounds like they would qualify for attendance allowance which would help with paying for the carers. I had somebody come from an organisation working for council who came round to help fill in the forms for that. I started by ringing tapestry for help, but if in hospital, they should do some of the assessment. They will also risk assess the house and make improvements if needed.
I sold it to my mum, that if I was doing all the caring I wouldn't have time to sit with her and spend time with her. By getting somebody in to help means when I go round I have time to have a chat, play a game of
cards etc. I still do some jobs, like check finances, wash up etc.

DO NOT AGREE TO THIS!!! It will ruin your life and probably your relationship with your parents.

After an illness a couple of years ago my DF is unable to do much at all and was discharged from hospital with 4x daily care visits. (I understand this is the maximum that social services will provide - if more is needed then it’s a care home or buy more in yourself.)

But there are lots of things the carers are not paid to do

• clean the house
• do the garden
• shop for food, toiletries etc.
• buy clothes
• maintain the house
• look after the dog
• haircuts and nail care
• manage finances and other admin
• arrange and collect medication
• deal with medical appointments

I have to do all this for DF or arrange others to do it and this is more than enough.

He originally suggested that I move in with him to look after him. I reminded him that I have my own home - the one with my wife and children in it. He wasn’t happy but obviously I wasn’t budging.

Insist on parents taking everything they are offered - much easier to cut back than try and put things in place later.

Please remember things generally deteriorate

When I say ‘social services will provide’ I should have mentioned that a financial contribution is required from the person receiving the care. This is calculated based on income and savings but if you have more than - I think - £23,250 in savings you pay for it all.

Your mum can’t just decide to rely on you for care, it’s a two way agreement. I’d be firm and say no you’re not caring for your df and a cater will be needed.

Make your feelings clear about not wanting to be a carer, to the nurse, ward manager, occupational therapists and physios. Ask for an MDT meeting if needed to discuss discharge. Make your feelings clear to your parents, as another poster has pointed out you will still end up being a carer of so many other things . The only issue is if your parents have capacity and still refuse carers (despite needing them). Sometimes they need to 'fail' to realise they can't manage without carers.

Thank you so much for your replies I am really relieved to hear people see my side of the situation