Dp refusing carers

[Yellowbricks28]

Df been in hospital following illness. It has been a long recovery and although much better will need some assistance once home. Dm not particularly mobile but gets around ok. They live together in a bungalow.
Dm has said she doesn’t want carers and that they’ll rely on me and db. Obviously at present we don’t know the extent of the needs at home, but I’m not sure I want to commit to this and db isn’t v reliable I feel like it will be all on me.
what are my options here, do I have any? Aibu? Please be kind I’m v stressed, the hospital stay with df has been difficult and I know I’m probably being quite selfish. Is it worth waiting to see what the care needs are before seeing what would be reasonable or not before stressing over this?

If your DF needs to help to go to the loo in the middle if the night, he isn’t ready to go home yet. Unless he is happy to wear nappies or have a commode next the the bed.
Because I doubt he’ll get a carer for tte might And there is no way you or your DH should accept to care for him at night. You’d never ge5 a full night of sleep AND you’d still have to go to work etc… the next day.

And tte very first poster is right

It's not up to your parents to decide you're going to help with their care.

Lots of us have been in similar situations, of course we're behind you!

Of others have said, your DF will not want you to shower him, if he does need help with showering, it's much better done by a Carer.

Also, it's not up to your DM to volunteer you.

If your DF has to stay in Hospital longer whilst a Care Package is put in place, then that's just how these things work. Please do not feel guilty.

All of the advice above is really good. I'd just like you to add, please do call the Discharge Clerk on his Ward tomorrow and ask what the plans are for Discharge for your DF. Specifically ask if he's had an Occupational Health Assessment and whether they'll be assessing his home and aid he's had a Physio Assessment. Also tell them that you won't be providing any personal care, like washing or toileting.

I'd also ask if he has a SW. If he does, ring them and tell the SW that you won't be providing personal care for DF.

If your DPs don't have them already, I'd recommend a cleaner and a gardener and possibly a milkman. As well as helping them manage to stay in their own home, they're also extra people to keep an eye on them.

And one final thing. Have a look at the book, The Twilight Shepherd on Kindle. It's very simple practical advice for those of us with DPs who are aging and need help.

Occupational therapy assessment, not occupational health or they may look at you a bit confused. Good luck OP, no need to feel guilty at all.

Sorry. Goodness knows why I've mixed those up

My mum's carers would not even help with her having a bath ( it's more than a one person job ) so help to wash / dress only.
if it's a walk in shower cubicle then perhaps not too bad but don't under estimate the help they would need if the shower is in the bath.
Caring for someone is extremely hard and most also find it emotionally draining as well as physically.

Hope you manage to make some progress with your DM and the Discharge Clerk today @Yellowbricks28

Ask to speak to the discharge team.

Tell them that you are aware that your Mum is saying that they will manage and you and your db will help but say this is not the case. You are able to do social visits at weekends but have work / children / commitments and would have travel issues and simply cannot take it on.

They will arrange an ‘enablement’ package if needed. Visits to help him shower / advise on any mobility aids etc.

As your father still in hospital, request an adult social care assesment before his discharge and make it clear your parents are expecting you to be a carer which you will NOT be able to do.

This is actually a very common situation for the hospital, these are the times to have a honest chat and firm with your parents.

Please don't feel guilty OP. Taking on your parents' care is a huge task and could go on for years - much better to set things up with paid careers from the beginning before they become too reliant on you. My PILs need care now and tbh I have been a bit shocked about their expectations of DH. They know we work, have DC and live two hours away, but they seem to expect him to drop everything and go and help them whenever they want something sorted.

I suggest looking into retirement living accommodation for them. My PIls moved into one last year and it makes everything so much easier. The flat is set up to make it easy to get around (no steps, handrail in shower etc) and you can arrange care through the management company. The advantage of this (compared to organising it yourself) is that if a carer leaves or is off sick it's their responsibility to find a replacement. And there's a nice communal area downstairs for when they feel like socialising.

I echo the great advice you are being given on this thread.

My biggest tip would be do not let your father leave hospital without a package of support. Talk to the hospital. Let them know you’re delighted he’s coming home but you know your mum won’t be able to cope on her own, so he will need support. Do not offer your services at all (even if you are happy to help with some things).

If your parents need to pay for care, your father may get short term care provided while they commission private careers. But there should be someone at the hospital/ social worker who will help decide the level of support needed and liaise with local agencies to visit and give a quote. It will be eye watering but I’d recommend starting with that level and easing off if your mother is coping.

The important thing is to be officially unavailable from the start. This is no reflection on your love for your parents and will give you the headspace to support them in other ways.

Frankly that is incredibly selfish of them to just expect you to be their carer...

Make it clear to them and to the hospital that this is not happening and that the hospital need to put something in place before your parent is discharged.

My mother and my brother’s mother in law came out of hospital with a six week care package in place, grab rails where needed, a commode for the bedroom, a shower stool and an adjustable seat for the kitchen. My mother only had the carer for five days as they had nothing to do but in the other case they came four times a day and provided night care in the form of a pager type of communication. All of this was free for the first six weeks and was aimed at building up independence. If your mother sees it as part of your father’s treatment plan she may be more receptive and then realise how much of a help it is.

If your mother sees it as part of your father’s treatment plan she may be more receptive and then realise how much of a help it is.

^^ this

and tell your mother we need all the help and care we can get as I’m not having dad and you suffering at this time. You’ve paid in all your life now we need the help for a couple of weeks we need to take it to make dad and you as comfortable as possible.

keep telling them it’s for comfort and for a little while

thr thought of strangers in the house worries people but often once they realise they have someone to talk to and it’s regularly the same people they warm to this

Your not helping won’t mean he’s stuck in hospital.

stick to your guns and refuse to help. Understate what you are prepared to do. It’s easy to step up your level of help, much less easy to step down if you find yourself overwhelmed

I think no one wants carers, its such a statement of 'you can't cope' - but they need to realise that this is key to your df coming out of hospital successfully. I found blaming other people very successful - the doctor says you have to have the carers for instance. And say no, loudly and often. Make sure it is written down in discharge planning exactly what you can do (and halve the amount you could do as it will always double with all the invisible things) and what you cannot do especially thinking about it being long term.