Elderly parents - mum 2nd stroke, abusive dad

[Sunshinesparky]

Hi all

really don’t know where to post this, apologies if this is not in the right topic. I’m at a total loss how to move forward with my current situation, I feel totally torn and there are various conflicting issues at play.

the high level synopsis is that mum had a second severe brain haemorrhage at the end of last year (dec 29), spent 6 weeks in hospital with a further 6 weeks in an nhs rehab centre (which was totally awful, eg she was left hoisted over a bed pan for 45 mins or often told she couldn’t go to the loo when she wanted, but that’s a different story) - from April to now, using a combo of my money and hers she has been in a nursing home receiving intensive physiotherapy through which she has gone from not being able to sit to being able to stand with support. However she still needs intensive help to get out of bed, or to use the toilet etc - her left leg is still mostly paralysed through movement is coming back, and her left arm is totally contracted.

shes Maintained throughout the whole process that she wanted to come home to continue to recover - so this week I finally managed to get her home. I have moved back home with mum and dad to help care for her to enable her to be in her own house again. Im married and now am 250 miles away from my home (I moved to beds, my parents live in a house in the middle of the moors in Devon with no neighbours) which is a wrench obviously, but I would do anything I reasonably could to help mum improve - she is genuinely someone that has helped so many 100s of people in her life and career that I’m determined not to let her be thrown into the system and forgotten about, particularly after seeing her treatment at the hands of the hospital and ‘rehab’ centre…

The issue really I suppose is my dad - he never worked again after I was born (45 years ago, they are now in their early 80s) - he did no cooking or cleaning or anything around the house, until mum threatened to leave when he did some cooking (about 30 years ago) - so when I was young mum had to do everything to go out to earn a living and then keep a house until I was old enough to help out.

dad has always been abusive - not massively physically although there were minor incidents - mainly controlling and coercive - he has total control over mums money and would shout at her every day belittling her and being super aggressive - I got this also every day to me but with the added bonus of more physical abuse hntil I was big enough to push back. He had to control everything, if he can’t be the one to dictate what happens he starts shouting and threatening and eventually storms away and refuses to do anything; one issue with this being due to his lack of life and work experience he rarely has a clue about what needs to be done, and will ignore any attempt to educate him. He used to bully mum every day, and tried to control who she could or couldn’t see iutside the home, basically super aggressive the whole time, but always careful to appear nice to anyone outside the family he came into contact with

the issue now i have is that mums care is critical in terms of physical handling - it has to be safe - and he is just not willing to listen to what is needed, to the point where he seems willing to endanger mum just to have his way. Their house is so remote that getting carers has proved almost impossible - the council has admitted this and their solution is to put her in a home until they can find carers (which means they will forget about her in the home I suspect). This is why I’ve moved back in for a few months to help mum regain her walking (well realistically shuffling with help) which will give her options.

im doing this because mums had a pretty rough life at times but been a big presence for so many (she drove the push for women’s equality in the Royal Navy for example) and I truly believe she deserves better now

However I can’t continue to deal with the nonsense and abuse from dad, and am genuinely worried about mums safety if I ever have to leave here for a day eg with work. I’m starting to think it would be better to have her in a care home near me in beds but am completely in pieces over what that might do to her mentally and to her prospects of rehab. I have no issue with the care for mum, if I could have someone with me who was caring (eg dad just tries to ‘force’ clothes on with the result mum screams) and able to listen and grasp what is needed I would be fine - it’s not fun to have to provide intimate care for mum but I’m happy to cope with that - it’s dad’s horrible impact on it all that is the problem. I have spoke to him about it several times this week - which ended up with him going off on one of his age old aggressive loud shouting sprees shouting that he’ll never do anything other than what he wants to do and he’s never ‘toed anyone else’s line and never will’ not exactly helpful.

so sorry for the massive note, grateful for any views or alternative ideas. I don’t have an LPA as dad threatens to engage solicitors to block it or otherwise cause issues for me - and as he has control over mums finances it adds a further issue.

thanks for any advice or thoughts at all

Oh wow OP what a difficult situation. I dont have any soluti9ns but didnt want to read and run. I guess some thoughts are - do your parents own their own home?, if so and your mum does need care I know that a charge can be put on the house as your dad still lives there, but at least it gets your mum out. Obviously you cannot live 250 miles away from your DH/own family forever so moving your mum does seem a good solution but would she move?

I would report this to her local social services safeguarding team and arrange for a home visit from her gp or nurse, is mum able to communicate her wishes, if she is at risk from mental, physical or financial abuse she may get emergency placement in a carehome while social services look into their situation, dad will get nowhere with trying to block you getting poa as it's mum's decision who she wants and if she lacks capacity you apply for deputyship through the court of protection.

I would report this to social services and the police. I your father is abusing your mum. I I would also start looking for a care home near you for her.
Is it possible for her to live with you?

No real suggestions, other than to apply for attendance allowance and try to get private careers in to help with a care visit say in the mornings to shower and dress your Mum. Even being remote, she should be entitled to care. You could call AgeUk and ask for their help, they may be able to visit.

Read the Elder Abuse website and see what support is available. Was mum in the Royal Navy, if so do they have carehomes

Thanks so much for taking the time to view and reply - mum wasn’t in the RN but was a sociologist who got so angry about inequality that she wrote off to the defence secretary and RN and demanded action and they responded by tasking her with making plans to rectify it all. She can’t really live with me/family due to space issues and her needs for assistance with most mobility related tasks. I’ve started looking more carefully at homes up near me now.

Thanks for replying and sorry - I replied to your post in the one below - rushing around too much today! I am thinking about reporting but not sure what the impacts might be for her if I cant get her out of here - I’m also anxious about what he would try to do with the house (smashing things up) and her money that he controls - I’m actually giving serious thought to getting her in the car (I have leased a WAV) and just driving her away when I have a care home set up for her….but it’s pretty tricky. She’s just developed a uti which is making it impossible to get sense out of her..doesn’t rain but pours at the moment! I keep coming back to the fact that I know she hates the idea of a care home with a passion and I feel like I’m betraying her by even contemplating it. But I think your advice is good and I just need to get over that and get it done.

Your dad is unlikely to change now.

You have said she cannot live with you/other relatives due to space and other concerns.

So either she lives with your dad, without carers, and he will abuse her

Or she goes to a care home.

Those seem to be the options.

Sorry to be blunt.

Personally I would not be prepared to see her alone with your dad but you may take the view that it is her choice.

It's possible that if she is left with your dad for a couple of weeks she may be more enthusiastic about the care home.

thankyou, really appreciate it. I think the social services angle in the first instance makes a huge amount of sense - re capacity she’s in and out at the minute - partly due to UTIs and partly due to stroke and partly to I suspect the start of Alzheimer’s but not sure on the latter - she has cerebral amyloid angiopathy which caused the stroke, but until the stroke had no (obvious) symptoms of any form of dementia. But again great advice on the court of protection, so thank you I really appreciate it. Think I just need to take a bit of a step back and breath and calm down to deal with it

Good luck with it all, it's a difficult situation but her needs must come first. Maybe she would agree to respite care to see how she gets on in a carehome. A capacity assessment would help, speak to her gp.

I'm so sorry but it does seem that a care home is the least worst option. Your F is not going to change and it doesn't sound like she should be left alone with him.

The things that stand out here are:
safeguarding - report him to the local social services and get going with looking at care homes near you.

And you. You can't live indefinitely 250 miles from your family, and you can't guarantee always being there with her, therefore that's why the safeguarding has to happen.

Not all care homes are the same - my elderly relative was in a lovely one with amazing food, activities and really kind staff. She thrived and put on weight there.

Poor you, poor mum.

ive seen the other suggestions which sound good.

Is there any way she could live in a small flat alone but close to you for carers and you to help out?

I don’t know what you’d do for money though, perhaps a charity like Age Concern could offer advice, on Power of Attorney, safeguarding.

Is there even a remote possibility that your mum would consider divorce? Your dad is abusive and she needs peace and safety. I realize this means selling the house (unless he'd buy her out), but a divorce with a split of assets should help pay for her care, either in a nicer facility or a small flat near you with carers. My DH's BFF's parents divorced in their 80s, due to financial abuse in connection with his gambling addiction. Half the assets went to her in her sole name and she was able to live comfortably on that.

If she won't consider divorce, will she consider moving her money into a separate account for you to help her with?

It is not sustainable for you to live so far from your family. And it sounds as if she should not live with your dad.

Clearly you've been advised about the Court of Protection.

I agree that the best care home you can find near you is probably the best next step, followed by potentially divorce, though I've no idea whether it is possible for a marriage of someone potentially without mental capacity at the moment to be dissolved. At that point you could consider whether you could join resources to buy a house for you all together? But tbh I would think in terms of long term care. A care home plus the love, support and additional services such as physio that you arrange could be a solution.

Aw, OP.

You are not being realistic. You must tell social services then return home.

Think about if what you're thinking of regarding the care home is acting I your Mum's best interests? I'd say so!

You don't have to call it a care home. You could call it a respite home or a holiday home. You could say that it's just for a couple of months until she's feeling a bit stronger. They're called love lies. You'd be putting her best interests at the heart of your decision making.

And definitely apply to the court of protection. No need to tell your Dad what you're doing and apply for Attendance Allowance and act as her appointee. So have the money put in your account and spend it on things for her.

Not sure which Devon Moor they are on but, if its Exmoor, I know of a charity care home I'd trust if you'd be interested in more details.

I would suggest also getting some legal advice. There’s an association of solicitors specialising in issues affecting the elderly. I’d be exploring if there is any way of barring your father from the home. I don’t expect there is but I’d want to be sure before I ruled it out.

Agree with PP who have said you need to tell social services. Your mum is being abused & is not safe. Contact age uk Devon who may be able to support with this
https://www.ageuk.org.uk/devon/

I agree.

You’re mother is a long term victim of domestic abuse. She probably doesn’t recognise herself as a victim so it maybe an upward struggle to get her to agree that the situation isn’t safe.

I think you need to start being realistic and speak to the OTs about the reality of what level of care your Mum is going to need for the rest of her life.

I say this as someone who has done one very long round of caring for a disabled parent and about to do another round - you need to prioritise your physical and mental health as well as economic situation and family and friendships. If you don’t you will burn out and won’t be able to help her.

I would keep a record of your dad's abuse and shouting, both towards you and mum, she should have a therapist careplan and a realistic plan of how her mobility may improve and what exercises she can be helped with. You need to look after your own physical and mental health too, until social services get in you can call her gp, elderly care nurse to see her at home, she needs an urgent full needs assessment.

You may want to consider making a statement to the police in relation to your father’s abusive behaviour, including the long history of coercive control and depriving your mother of access to her own money. They will take a statement which, if you/your mum decide not to make a complaint, can lie on file for the moment.
others have suggested seeking legal advice. It’s possible there’s enough there for an injunction to get your father out, although I appreciate that would be a very difficult step in every way.

Record keeping is important. Dates and times change it from “Daughter says” (subtext - “but we can ignore this”) to Evidence.