Hi all
really don’t know where to post this, apologies if this is not in the right topic. I’m at a total loss how to move forward with my current situation, I feel totally torn and there are various conflicting issues at play.
the high level synopsis is that mum had a second severe brain haemorrhage at the end of last year (dec 29), spent 6 weeks in hospital with a further 6 weeks in an nhs rehab centre (which was totally awful, eg she was left hoisted over a bed pan for 45 mins or often told she couldn’t go to the loo when she wanted, but that’s a different story) - from April to now, using a combo of my money and hers she has been in a nursing home receiving intensive physiotherapy through which she has gone from not being able to sit to being able to stand with support. However she still needs intensive help to get out of bed, or to use the toilet etc - her left leg is still mostly paralysed through movement is coming back, and her left arm is totally contracted.
shes Maintained throughout the whole process that she wanted to come home to continue to recover - so this week I finally managed to get her home. I have moved back home with mum and dad to help care for her to enable her to be in her own house again. Im married and now am 250 miles away from my home (I moved to beds, my parents live in a house in the middle of the moors in Devon with no neighbours) which is a wrench obviously, but I would do anything I reasonably could to help mum improve - she is genuinely someone that has helped so many 100s of people in her life and career that I’m determined not to let her be thrown into the system and forgotten about, particularly after seeing her treatment at the hands of the hospital and ‘rehab’ centre…
The issue really I suppose is my dad - he never worked again after I was born (45 years ago, they are now in their early 80s) - he did no cooking or cleaning or anything around the house, until mum threatened to leave when he did some cooking (about 30 years ago) - so when I was young mum had to do everything to go out to earn a living and then keep a house until I was old enough to help out.
dad has always been abusive - not massively physically although there were minor incidents - mainly controlling and coercive - he has total control over mums money and would shout at her every day belittling her and being super aggressive - I got this also every day to me but with the added bonus of more physical abuse hntil I was big enough to push back. He had to control everything, if he can’t be the one to dictate what happens he starts shouting and threatening and eventually storms away and refuses to do anything; one issue with this being due to his lack of life and work experience he rarely has a clue about what needs to be done, and will ignore any attempt to educate him. He used to bully mum every day, and tried to control who she could or couldn’t see iutside the home, basically super aggressive the whole time, but always careful to appear nice to anyone outside the family he came into contact with
the issue now i have is that mums care is critical in terms of physical handling - it has to be safe - and he is just not willing to listen to what is needed, to the point where he seems willing to endanger mum just to have his way. Their house is so remote that getting carers has proved almost impossible - the council has admitted this and their solution is to put her in a home until they can find carers (which means they will forget about her in the home I suspect). This is why I’ve moved back in for a few months to help mum regain her walking (well realistically shuffling with help) which will give her options.
im doing this because mums had a pretty rough life at times but been a big presence for so many (she drove the push for women’s equality in the Royal Navy for example) and I truly believe she deserves better now
However I can’t continue to deal with the nonsense and abuse from dad, and am genuinely worried about mums safety if I ever have to leave here for a day eg with work. I’m starting to think it would be better to have her in a care home near me in beds but am completely in pieces over what that might do to her mentally and to her prospects of rehab. I have no issue with the care for mum, if I could have someone with me who was caring (eg dad just tries to ‘force’ clothes on with the result mum screams) and able to listen and grasp what is needed I would be fine - it’s not fun to have to provide intimate care for mum but I’m happy to cope with that - it’s dad’s horrible impact on it all that is the problem. I have spoke to him about it several times this week - which ended up with him going off on one of his age old aggressive loud shouting sprees shouting that he’ll never do anything other than what he wants to do and he’s never ‘toed anyone else’s line and never will’ not exactly helpful.
so sorry for the massive note, grateful for any views or alternative ideas. I don’t have an LPA as dad threatens to engage solicitors to block it or otherwise cause issues for me - and as he has control over mums finances it adds a further issue.
thanks for any advice or thoughts at all