Recent death in family, started talking about wishes with dh. He won't entertain that conversation

[BlueJellycat]

My mum died in May. She had a will so we knew she wanted to be cremated and ashes scattered with my dad. The rest was a lot of guesswork and hoping that it was what she would have wanted. So that's opened conversation on wishes.

I was talking to dh this weekend and he always says he wants to be stuffed ( joking of course!). I said that he needs to think about expressing his wishes at some point. He said again he wants to be stuffed. I said look I'm being serious, what do you want? He just stayed silent. I said do you want to be scattered with your grandad and he didn't really respond so I dropped the convo saying that I'd probably do that then.

I have no idea where his grandad ashes are in reality. I never no desire to find out either as thats not his wishes. We are both late 40 so death hopefully a way off but in the 35 years we have been together he has never talked about wishes on his death, I doubt he ever will.

What would you do with someone who refuses to talk about it? In reality I dint think it's important to him and he would rather not think about it and doesn't appreciate talking about it which is fine. I'd scatter his ashes at the local crematorium. Choose a service and music that the kids are happiest with.

What do you do when you ask someone their wishes and they shut you down? Never ask again? I think that's my gut feeling, I won't ask again and the service is for the people left anyway if the deceased had no strong opinions.

If he doesn't want to talk about it and doesn't feel strongly that he has any wishes or opinions on what happens after he is gone, I would go with that.

When it happens you can then plan it according to your wishes and what you feel is best for you and your children.

I agree with you that if the deceased had no strong opinion then the service is for the people who are still living.

I’m next of kin for someone who left detailed instructions. Some things couldn’t be done and we did some things differently, following the vibe of his wishes rather than to the letter. If he felt strongly he’d tell you. Don’t worry about it

Where does DH expect his stuffed body will be kept? Or is it to be buried or cremated? Seems like a waste of money.

Yes I'm.going to drop it. Everytime we talk about our wishes he wants to get stuffed. I talk about scattering my ashes at a certain park he never strays off the Stuffing narrative. Maybe it's time to take him literally I he thinks 'stuff it, stuff me, stuff my thoughts 😆). He knows it was tricky sorting my parents funerals, unless he has an epiphany when his parents die, I will go with kids wishes.

It's frustrating when you join in with the "I wish they had planned ahead for xyz" but your still unwilling to plan ahead for yourself.

I'm going to a will soon.

I’d leave it for now. No pressing reason to push it, what’s the worst that can happen? He dies young unexpectedly and you make the decision for him? Fine.

You don’t have a will? Now that is FAR more important to deal with than what to do with your body. (IMO).

He wants to put on a porch on a rocking chair with a gun. Hill Billy style. He's gone into that level of detail. We don't have a porch. Or a gun. The local foxes would eat him. I'd go for bad taxidermy victorian style with googly eyes pointing in two different directions. Scare the postman away

I've discussed it with my OH and she knows exactly what I would want. I don't want any form of funeral or whatever service is done at the crem. Just get me cremated and job done.

I've a heath issue that can cause complications that can see me off, so made sense to talk about it.

Whether my wishes will be carried out as I want them, who knows and to be honest, I'll be dead, so won't really care. Be nice if they are though.

If he doesn't want to talk about it, then he just has to realise it'll be handled in whatever's way others see fit.

It's probably illegal to show a dead body in public. Ingrid Newkirk, the founder and president of PeTA included in her will directions including peeling and curing her skin to make into leather fashion accessories, displaying her broken leg at the Grand National, and sending an eye to the UK Home Office, amongst many other similarly grisly directions. But in the UK, from a legal perspective a dead body cannot be owned. A dead body cannot be gifted, bought or sold and a person cannot give binding directions about what should be done with their body or parts of it. No instructions would be legally binding on her executors.

He doesn't want to face his own mortality, which is fairly normal.

As others have said, he won't know about his funeral, whatever form it takes, so really there's no need for him to make a decision. Even if he did he wouldn't know whether his wishes were carried out.

It's a bit of a depressing subject, so I wouldn't dwell on it.

As said by another poster some people just can’t face their own mortality.

Im the opposite. I saw how difficult it was for my niece when her mum(my sister) died. There was no will or instructions, so the poor girl had to make all the decisions. My brother and I ended up paying half each for the funeral costs.

I don’t want my Dd to have to go through that, so I have planned to let my wishes be known.

I agree with the ithers: having a well written, non ambiguous will drawn up and seriously discussing end of life issues is far more important than what gets done with the body.

Suggest that if he has any particular desires (but doesn't want to talk about it) that he should write them down and store with his will. I'd done that, but also told people.

People don't generally like talking about death, specifically their own.
Making a will is very important so your wishes can be carried out.you can also leave instructions in your will whether you wish to be buried or cremated.
(Fortuneately) dead human bodies are not permitted to be stuffed so that idea is out for a start.

Yes same for me with my mum.and Dad.. dh hasn't lost a parent yet so that might focus his mind. I wouldn't be involved in their funeral as one is in Thailand and the other I have no relationship with so it wouldn't be appropriate. So dh will have to think when he has some experience on the matter, or not.

He would never ever get a will either. I'm writing my will that he can have enjoyment of our house but my share of the estate will not pass to him,its going directly to the children. If he refuses to talk about wills ( I will get mine when my muns estate is wound up) he can deal with my wishes and what he thinks about them with the kids. One is already an adult so he will just have get on with it. My son wouldn't decide to hand their share back to dh. Dh is very much go with flow, would likely re marry and not give a second thought to our estate going to his new wife as he just doest think on that level. He isn't proactive. He's passive to what life gives.

He either doesn’t know or doesn’t care. If he had any particular preference then he’d tell you. My oh says the same when I’ve asked him, he just shrugs his shoulders and says ‘I dunno, I’ll be dead so why does it matter’? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Either he has a fear of dying, is superstitious that talking about it means it's more likely to happen or actually doesn't feel strongly about it.

Plus Power of Attorney for health and for finances for each of you. He might not want to discuss anything to do regarding DNR or organ donation, but maybe have a plan for those for yourself to help those who survive you manage all the actions they need to take next. 🌹

Not leaving instructions for the ones you leave behind is selfish. It's natural to try to do what the deceased would have wanted. And it a bit bloody too late then to ask. So write it down and tell someone where the info is.

My mum died last year. She wouldn't talk about what she wanted to happen. When she died we did a direct cremation, had a big family dinner as a wake and her remains are in my wardrobe as I'm still not sure what to do with them.

I disagree they are essential.

Everyone should have a will but many POAs never need to get activated.
If you do get a POA, make sure you do it yourself and don't pay a will writer lots of money to fill out a form on your behalf.

I thought his description was quite funny …

There may be other reasons, but it could equally mean he doesn’t care or mind what happens to his body after his death. My father left no “wishes” and it stresses me out, until a solicitor pointed out if people don’t make their wishes clear maybe they’re just not fussed.

Since he’s clearly not bothered, I’d just drop it. If and when he goes first, just do what you want. IMO funerals are for the benefit of those left behind anyway.
A childless aunt had prepaid her funeral, with clear instructions about what she wanted - all fairly simple. Very considerate of her, saved us wondering what she’d have wanted.

The funeral wishes are a non-issue.

The lack of will is - does he realise what happens if he dies intestate? Does it bother him?

I agree the lasting POA / living will (what does he want to happen at end of life or if incapacitated otherwise) is much more important.

A lot of this is to do with upbringing. We have some family members who won’t entertain any discussion of death or funerals because it’s “not the done thing” .
Having it all written down and stored somewhere eg with your will or with adult children is a good thing to do, so that way there’s no ambiguity. One of our elderly relatives had all the details of his funereal written out even down to what music should be played which made everything very easy to organise.