Recent death in family, started talking about wishes with dh. He won't entertain that conversation

[BlueJellycat]

My mum died in May. She had a will so we knew she wanted to be cremated and ashes scattered with my dad. The rest was a lot of guesswork and hoping that it was what she would have wanted. So that's opened conversation on wishes.

I was talking to dh this weekend and he always says he wants to be stuffed ( joking of course!). I said that he needs to think about expressing his wishes at some point. He said again he wants to be stuffed. I said look I'm being serious, what do you want? He just stayed silent. I said do you want to be scattered with your grandad and he didn't really respond so I dropped the convo saying that I'd probably do that then.

I have no idea where his grandad ashes are in reality. I never no desire to find out either as thats not his wishes. We are both late 40 so death hopefully a way off but in the 35 years we have been together he has never talked about wishes on his death, I doubt he ever will.

What would you do with someone who refuses to talk about it? In reality I dint think it's important to him and he would rather not think about it and doesn't appreciate talking about it which is fine. I'd scatter his ashes at the local crematorium. Choose a service and music that the kids are happiest with.

What do you do when you ask someone their wishes and they shut you down? Never ask again? I think that's my gut feeling, I won't ask again and the service is for the people left anyway if the deceased had no strong opinions.

He’s obviously read about Jeremy Bentham

He doesn't want to talk about it.
Fine.
Tell him he obviously won't be stuffed, and leave it.
I don't give a shit what happens when I die. I just say to go with the cheapest option possible.

@MereDintofPandiculation

I thought of mentioning Bentham, but he wasn't exactly stuffed, I think.

If he doesn't want to talk about funeral plans , I wouldn't bother forcing the issue.

Do insist on a will, appropriate life insurance and a financial Power Of Attorney.

Marlow wills were recommended on Mumsnet and were brilliant for us.

You really don't want to be sorting this stuff out when dealing with a serious illness, I'm still waiting on the power of attorney to come through after submitting it in July.

Not wanting to discuss funeral plans pales into insignificance next to not having a will.

If he's happy with what would happen to his assets under intestacy laws that's all very well (worth a look, if just for your own information/peace of mind) and it's great that you are doing yours according to your own wishes.

My mum talked about a will for years, even telling both my sibling and I how she wanted her assets split between us and her dgc. When the time (suddenly, unexpectedly and devastatingly) came, as she'd not written a will intestacy rules applied. My nieces now don't have a penny of inheritance to look forward to at 18 as my sibling spent everything in 2 years.

My gran refused to make a will or discuss her wishes because she said, Oh no. That's tempting fate!"
She was actually diagnosed with cancer at the time and not discussing important matters wasn't going to hold back death! In the end she got the cheapest bargain basement funeral and my uncles stripped her house and accounts clean leaving nothing for the other relatives. The only things she had ever discussed leaving to people (general conversations over the years and now well established family knowledge that XX was getting XX items) got taken and sold or hoarded.

Refusal to plan means your wishes won't get followed at all. It's that simple.

Do what you want if you're left in charge of funerals and assets after death.

You obviously need a will because everyone does, and I disagree that PoA isn't essential. You really never know when life can take a sudden turn for the worse - I've experienced it.

Also, if you own your house as joint tenants you might want to change it to tenants in common, then you both own half each and neither can claim the other's half. This would give protection if your DH remarried as, if he died owning all the house, it would pass to his widow. Not something you want to think about but this happened to my dad - except it was his mother who died - and he ended up with nothing.

A solicitor can do both the will and help sort out the tenancy thing. PoA is easy to do online.

As for his wishes; I'd let it drop.

My late DH and I always knew we wanted to be cremated, but a couple of years before he died, I picked up a brochure for a local natural burial ground. Since he was a professional gardener before retirement, I had an unattended cremation; followed by scattering his ashes at the burial ground. Nice to think he's helping something to grow.

I've had a will for about 10 years , in it is a request to be cremated in my birth place.
At the time I had a strong emotional attachment to it but now , not so much. I'm not planning to change my will just to leave that bit out , but will tell family members , I'll not haunt them (!)😅 if they don't do it.
At the end of it day ( pun intended ) when you are dead , you can't do much about what happens.

Some people just can't cope with the conversation or the thought of it. I'd leave it.

My DH is a bit like yours OP apart from the 'stuffing' part, whereas I have made it very clear to him and my DD that I don't want a funeral service just a simple cremation, they are not happy with this should I go before him, but I am adamant that is what I would like, no fuss or flowers, etc. I have paid for my funeral and have a will in place, I'm 48 and I don't want anyone to worry about it when my time comes which hopefully will not be for a while yet. Both my parents have given me details about their funeral request, both have paid for theirs as they don't want me or my sibling to have to second guess etc. My MIL had nothing in place when she passed and no money either, my DH and myself along with my SIL had to pay for it all. But I understand others to not want to discuss it as it is a very personal thing and no one likes to think of their own mortality.

What day are your bins collected? 😁

Stop going on to him about it.

I don’t care what happens to me, I just want my nearest and dearest to do what gives them most peace and support.

Having a Will is far more important. Tell him you are doing your Will to make sure everyone you care about is looked after as best you can. Ask if he wants the solicitor to draw up the same will for him, in his name.

N.B you can only leave your share of the house direct to your kids if you own it ‘in common’. If you own it as Joint Tenants it automatically reverts to him.

Planning a funeral is quite a lot of hard work - if you leave wishes then it removes the burden. When a dear friend’s husband was killed in an accident she had to manage her grief, her teenage children, her devastated PIL, finances, his employers, and on top of that choose the cost/colour/furnishings of a coffin, hymns and music, burial or cremation etc etc It’s quite helpful if you do that in advance for people. Saying “I don’t care” still leaves behind a mess of decisions to be made by someone else.

No, so I found out when I read the article. He was in my father's relation of the story

You can attach a letter of wishes to your will. Not legally binding, but helps make sure people don't forget.

Only problem is there's a temptation to ignore the will until you've got the funeral over and done with.

One word of warning - don't make funeral wishes too complicated unless it's really important to you. One set that I've just escaped having to deal with left, not just music for the funeral, but a six page playlist for the wake, along with detailed descriptions of the decorations and the food to be served. My heart sank.

Funerals are for the living. It doesn’t matter what the dead want and in many cases it can make things more difficult if you can’t fulfil it. You should just drop it.

However, what the living want very often is to feel they have fulfilled the wishes of the dead.

They may never be needed, but not having one if and when it is needed can (and often does) involve a huge amount of hassle and extra expense.

Apart from anything else, you can add your own wishes as regards medical treatment you would want, or not want, if you should become unable to speak for yourself.

I agree with doing it yourself - we did. You do need to read the instructions very carefully though and follow them to the letter, or it will be rejected and you’ll have to start - and pay! - again.
It really is not difficult, though.

I would simply tell him that in the absence of a plan that medical science can benefit and see if he forms an opinion.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. It just seems to appeal to very few people. Which is odd I think.

Or this.... 😂

bodyworlds.com/plastination/bodydonation/

Write down what YOUR wishes are and tell him where you've written it.

Tell him that unless he tells you otherwise, he will be cremated and scattered in x place, so it's on him to tell you if he wants different. That way he knows what's what, and it's his choice whether to share specific wishes.

Some people don't like talking about death.

I'm of the opinion it doesn't matter what you do with someone after they die. They know nothing about it. Funerals and dealing with the body are the jobs and burden of the living.

So you've been together since you were around 11 but you don't know any of his preferences at all?

Well I’d do whatever I pleased with him if he refused to state wishes.

Having no will is totally irresponsible when you have a wife and children. He needs to grow up and sort that out.