Care homes and christmas

[Wildblood]

Trying to decide what to do for the best, mum has recently gone into a care home, she is approximately 30 minutes away from my sister and I. We're trying to decide what to do for Christmas, neither of us have a downstairs toilet and she can't do stairs even with help.
At the moment just all going to see her at the care home seems like the best idea, but also feels cruel, do most people get taken out for Christmas day? Presumably the home make a fuss and have a nice meal etc.

Any experience or ideas please. Thanks

My Granny was in a care home where she was very well taken care of. My parents also did not have a downstairs toilet but did have a camping toilet, but she started to get quite confused and very stressed about being taken out of the home and so it was decided that she would stay there for Christmas and the family would all visit on different days. There were lots of other residents who stayed there for Christmas too for similar reasons but the staff made it really lovely for them. My PIL both now live in a home, they used to come to us every Christmas for many years, we do have a downstairs toilet but as MIL became less able and needed a frame there was not enough room in there for her and the frame. PIL are both now quite immobile and will be remaining in their care home for Christmas. I am sure there will be lots of residents remaining there on Christmas Day too and we will all visit at some point. Much better for her to remain in the home with experienced staff than to struggle with her mobility and possibly risk her falling.

We took my mum to my daughters.
It was absolutely horrendous.
We opened gifts first but it was clear mum was confused and didn’t understand what was happening.

We began a beautiful meal and as she was finishing the main course she said ‘I’m not going back there today. Bring me a phone and I’ll ring round and find a new one’. We explained it was Christmas Day and she wouldn’t be able to move just like that. She was just like a toddler - this was new behaviour to us. She thought I was her mum and shouted at me. The children were crying and we just didn’t know what to do.
I tried reasoning with her, but in the end, we just had to get her in the car and take her back to the care home, where she entered with a huge smile and began chatting to the other residents.

Looking back - we shouldn’t have taker her out of the care home, but my dad had recently died and I was intent on including mum as best we could.

Unfortunately she too passed away in February. 💔

One DGM went out each Christmas. The other, who had severe Mobility issues, did not due to the difficulty getting her into a car and then there being no accessible toilet.

My DM has had two Christmases in the care home. I visited the first year with DS, then last year I had Covid and DD and DDiL visited instead. The staff all dressed up as elves and fairies and while I was there Father Christmas came round with presents for everyone.

A week or so before hand there was a menu and list of activities on the board in the dining room so we kept telling DM what she was going to be doing in an effort to help her to look forward to it.

This year my DS and DD both want to visit over Christmas with their new babies and I want to see her on Christmas day. She keeps telling us that she is going home to her mum and dad for Christmas. She has told us that more than once!

We will spread out our visits over Christmas if she is still with us.

Watching with interest. PIL are in a care home close to us now. Both have dementia in different ways. FIL is away with the fairies and has no concept of what is going on. MIL is lucid in the moment but can't remember anything. But she is frustrated being stuck in and surrounded by mad people (her words). Both are incontinent, FIL doubly.

We have always had both sets of parents to us for Christmas, except during Covid.

We partly want to have them here as this is likely to be FIL's last, but he keeps wandering off with jobs that he needs to do.

So with that in mind we will probably need to visit in the care home 🥲

I worked in a care home for 13 years.
IMHO people are in care homes as they can't stay home safely. We had maybe 1 or 2 at the most go out for Xmas any one year. Plenty of visitors and festive cheer etc. Staff have to work and try to make it a good day for all. I wouldnt worry, spend time with your mum where she's comfortable and remember the staff, maybe a box of chocs or a nice card

My sister works in a care home, she organises the events/activities. She always says the few days over Christmas are great there, lots of festive spirit and cheer, that if you were going to come and see a relative or take them out a quieter day would be more suitable.

I always visit my mum in the nursing home xmas day. No way can I get her to my house her mobility is extremely poor (she is only early 60s)

i usually go early in the morning and sit with her until mid afternoon cos it is xmas and we have no family and I feels bad

This year I have been invited out for a meal so I will go there first and then go see mum after for xmas afternoon. Mum is fine with this I checked with her.
I am hoping this xmas be a bit happier for me than just eating a sandwich whilst mum watches the TV

That's very sad, @PinkBuffalo. Your mum is very young to be in a home. 💐

DM, 90, with dementia, went into a care home in February.
My sisters had her out for the occasional Sunday lunch initially but found it increasingly impossible to manage her mobility and toileting needs - she's now incontinent. I didn't have her out as I have no downstairs toilet, plus I was recovering from having neurosurgery myself and am still not allowed to drive.
I would be very surprised if many of the residents go out on Christmas day or even over the whole Christmas period. One was taken to a funeral a few weeks ago, another recently went out for a pub lunch, but most don't even seem to get many visitors whereas one of us goes every day.
I'm hoping to visit her on Xmas day if I can get a lift with one of my sisters, otherwise on boxing day when I think there will be a few buses running.
I think most of the residents and certainly DM will have no idea it's Christmas Day.
I know my sisters feel guilty about it. I feel sad but not guilty because I know it's impossible.
It will be more upsetting for us than for them.

Thank you yes she is she is severely disabled since I was very young and after my lovely dad died young I just could no cope with 24hr care by my own (plus working full time) and I mean literally 24 hour care I was going work having been up for 30 hours at one point ☹️

that year I did lose my dad, my home and my mum (who had to move into care and the house was selling to pay for it so i luckily did find somewhere to live before ending up completely homeless)

has been very traumatic I just take each day as it comes these last 6 years or so

Not RTFT and it won’t be the best food , bit of you can’t have mum at yours for Xmas the home will probably wrlcome you with open arms to eat with them ( for a charge ) and that will still give mum her family at Xmas 😍

Is you mum just frail, or has she got dementia, OP? If dementia, I would just make a shortish visit on the day. Taking someone with dementia out of their familiar routine can be a bad mistake - I’m speaking from experience here. We were advised against taking FiL out (for 2 nights) by the staff, but thought we knew better - sometimes you have to learn the hard way.

My DM’s care home used to make a real effort at Christmas, with decorations, etc. but TBH even a year or so before she was bad enough to need a CH, my DM was barely aware that it was Christmas, and could hardly even be bothered to open her presents.

Unless they visit you regularly, many dementia sufferers would be better off in their care home on Christmas day. Maybe you could visit them there in the morning? We decided our parent wouldn't cope with a busy, noisy, long day and would want to return to the home very quickly.

I did take my mum home the first Christmas she was in the home, when she was still pretty mobile. I have an accessible toilet and everything is downstairs. I'm sort of glad I did it but both she and I were absolutely exhausted that day - I have never been that tired, ever, even when ds was little. I stripped down the meal to the basics (small bird, potatoes, frozen peas, gravy, bought pudding). Also there were 3 of us including her for Christmas lunch and 6 for teatime, and 6 was definitely a lot for her, she couldn't really cope with it. Tbh I felt like I'd got away with it, it was satisfying but not at all enjoyable.

Since then she hasn't been mobile and is doubly incontinent. She doesn't know what day it is. There's no way - we visit her in the home on either the 24th, 25th or 26th (I also have a MIL to visit and other elderlies). It's the best we can do and it's ok, I think.

It's my mum's first Christmas in a care home too. I don't live very close so bringing her to me isn't an option. She is in her 90s with dementia and I have decided to let her stay there with the other residents and the wonderful staff.

I was riddled with guilt at this initially as I thought she might realise it's Christmas and feel abandoned by me and possibly by my dad who died in May but she still talks about him in the present tense as if he's in the next room. But her dementia is getting worse and I'm not sure she knew who I was last time I visited. But when she saw one of the staff she bounded over to give her a hug.

It's her home now and they are her family. She knows them more than she knows me now so she will enjoy Christmas more with them. I will leave her gifts and cards and leave something for the staff who are working over Christmas. I won't be able to go on Christmas Day at all.

It's a very hard decision to make so I feel for everyone faced with it.

Brought dad to ours the first year (and for birthday parties), but we do have a downstairs toilet and a frame for it, and a ramp for the steps to the front door, and we borrowed a wheelchair from the home. Then Covid intervened, and after that he wasn’t mobile enough to transfer from wheelchair, so DS and DIL visited Christmas Eve, me on Christmas morning. Home is decorated, I decorate his room, home stick all his cards up with blutack as they arrive. Activities coordinator dresses up as Santa, everyone gets a present from the home, manager is wearing antlers etc.

Thanks for all the helpful and heartfelt posts, it's really helped to make me feel better about just visiting and not taking her away from where she is comfortable. Fortunately she is settling in really well and she probably won't want to be away from her new friends. Good advice about bringing treats for the staff.

Yes, I always give chocolates for staff, I asked the manager what would be appreciated (I've seen people on this board give other things, eg handcream, on the grounds that staff will be aash with chocolates) and she said "chocolate. You can never have too much chocolate"

A year or so before she moved to the CH we went and stayed with DM for Christmas. There were only 6 of us but it was still all too much for her, and even given the mini tree I’d brought, and crackers on the table, she wasn’t aware that it was Christmas and wondered why she was being given presents. That last, especially, was a far cry from how she’d been before.

One of the hard parts of having a parent with dementia in a care home is realising that that becomes their safe place and familiar staff their safe people. If we even tried taking my dad into the garden he became distressed because it was unfamiliar and there was noone in a uniform there. Taking them home at Christmas is likely to be distressing for all concerned. Much better to visit on the day if you can and if not around then.

Try to remember, they will not remember Christmas themselves in the same way - taking them out of what has now become their safe place can be very disorienting for them.
We visited my stepfather on Christmas Eve in his care home last year. On Christmas Day, having lots of people visiting at the same time can be difficult for the staff to manage, and some residents find it challenging!

Hi My mum has just gone into a care home , and to be honest I’m relieved she will be there for Christmas being cared for . I live a long way away and don’t drive , and my brother let her down on Christmas Eve last year.

Hey squishmallows 👋
honestly knowing my mum is looked after and if she needs helps there are staff on hand 24 hours a day is the biggest relief. She been in a few years now but every time I visit her I do no dread finding her on the floor or having had a accident or anything like that

when I lived at home with her I used to hold my breath dreading what I was going to find behind the door as I opened it cos there was always something going wrong and every week needing a ambulance

I hope you mum settles quick and is safer this xmas I am sure the home will make it nice for her

@PinkBuffalo , thank you I’m so glad someone else understands the situation.