Parent living on her own - Contact

[tx5il]

Hi all,

I would welcome some advise.
Mother living on her own over 4 hours drive from me. Other family around 2 hours drive away and remainder of family a flight away. Mother has always been very difficult and has left communication really for us to contact her. Very rare for her to pick up the phone to see how you are etc. Fast forward all that behaviour I am struggling with her not answering calls or even responding to texts to see how she is. Other family members feel its a narcisstitic game she is playing. Plus they feel stop worrying until we have too. But she is elderly she lives on her own and I do feel some sort of responsiblity to make sure she is ok. I ring her every week and visit her to see how she is but she can leave you waiting for days to respond sometimes which then leads me to have to ring or visit to make sure all is ok. I have asked her repeatedly when I see her in a casual way - would you mind even sending a thumbs up to let me know your alive and well. She jokes it off but then thats all well and good but if she does get sick or fall etc I will be the one that calls. I know she plays games too and probably feels if they don't hear from me they will visit etc. But there is a point too where she has to get that its difficult to get into a car 4 hours away quite quickly to make sure all is ok because she hasn't responded. At this stage I feel the family group chat which she is on should get a text from me directed to her again casually noting that she lives on her own we all a good bit away from her if anything is wrong and we do worry and car so would she mind responding to calls or texts just with a quick hi to say that she is fine. Or am I pure stupid and not engage with her behaviour and wait for emergency services to contact me when things do go wrong😀 I am probably being silly but I feel if I "outed" her in someway on the family group chat she might see that we do have her best interest at heart . Its the lack of even understanding her kids care and why worry them that gets me too!! Thanks!

Your life is for living, not worrying.
Busy yourself with your own immediate world.
I’d wait until someone contacts you before I’d get over-concerned.

Thank you. Its always good to hear from others because I honestly believe I am not living my own life when I am constantly worrying/upset about her behaviour. So thankyou. I found the faking a relationship with elderly parent posts really helpful today and although I feel sad - its only sad if I continue to let it.
Thanks again!

I would stop chasing up the calls. You call or leave a message once or twice a week. If she doesn’t reply don’t go checking up. Don’t travel over to check on her.

You can only do so much. If she won’t reply, she won’t reply. She may then need to live later with the consequences of her actions. But that’s on her, not you.

I suspect your other family members may be right about the game playing.

Thank you @Daffidale you really need to read it and hear it from others to give you confidence. I realised today too that I cannot change her and I can only do so much. But going forward now I need to ring, accept I have rang and move on. Her choice not to respond and if the response at some stage is the ambulance ringing me, well I know I did try!

Many thanks all!

Do you know any of her neighbours? Could you have the number of a neighbour who would be willing to knock on her door if you couldn't get through for a period of time?

I guess you could offer to pay them a small amount to do this?

Does your family use What’sApp? It can be useful in your circumstances because you can see when someone last checked it. So if you had a family group any of you could see that Mum last looked at WhatsApp an hour or so ago, or not for many hours and worry or not…..
Alternatively you could be like my daughter who has made it very clear that she needs to know I am safe…..

Concur very much with @Mum5net .

I’m sorry that you have a difficult mother. I know the feeling OP.

Worrying solves nothing.

Keep your boundaries - and your life!

Ring her once or twice a week or whatever your preferences are.

She can choose whether to answer or not or ring you back.

After all, she has the right to her boundaries as well.

And if she’s playing “mind games” that’s on her too.

You can check on WhatsApp when she’s been online and if she’s read the messages in the group chat.
Should be able to see if she’s read it and is just ignoring you

Thank you everyone, we have a family whatsapp group and I also have one with her so I can see she has read texts so its a case of ignoring me or if I was thinking kindly she may just have thought oh I will get back to her in a minute as I know she is worrying, but then gets diverted and forgets!! I wish that was the scenario!

Unfortunately thats not the case, she really is playing games and everyone tells me that, so I need to text, know she has read it and get on with my day!
With regards to asking an neighbour. I did say to her a while back "Mum please just send me a thumbs up if your fine so I am not worrying - you know Mum if you don't I might just have to ask xxx next door to check on you" You fuss too much I was told and so what if I was on the floor and no one came, laughing!!! So the past 24 hours have made me really realise she is playing with me and all I can do is call when I can and ring once a week and leave it at that!

Thank you so much everyone, I really appreciate the wise words and virtual support.

My behaviour needs to change now - Thanks again!