Faking a relationship with elderly parent

[Pippypolly]

My mums 86. There’s a long back story going back my whole adult life, including periods of NC because of her appalling behaviour (behind closed doors). I’ve had lots of therapy in the past to deal with this.

Nowadays I ring her about 1 - 2 times a week, visit her once a month for a couple of days as she lives a long way from me. I sort out her online shopping, banking, do her forms, organise handymen, etc. No personal care or anything like that.

We chat amiably enough mostly (you’d never guess the horrific dramas are she’s put me through if you saw us together), but it feels so fake for me, and I dislike the calls especially. I try now to keep conversation and topics light, and I increasingly keep my emotional distance, but it’s an effort for me with the regular contact and I don’t like the fakeness IYKWIM.

How do other people deal with this kind of thing?

PS I wouldn’t mind if this was a new thing simply brought on by age, but it’s not.

Feeling a bit depressed and tearful today - not my usual self - it’s like family/people seem to bring me so much grief …

You don't have to do all the things you do for her.
You don't owe her, she has put you through hell.
Just because she is now old it doesn't excuse the past.

It's very difficult, and it's decent of you to do as much as you're doing. I was in a fairly similar situation and I found that beyond any other emotion, I felt pity mixed with a sense of duty. This mix kept me going. It's not really 'fake' to see that your mum's ok, it's probably a mix of feelings that I too had. Could you frame it yourself in that way?

Oh hun, I empathise and I understand how trying this is ⚘💐

She's put you through a lot of grief and now you're supposed to act like nothing happened. I suppose our bodies remember these traumas because us having a negativity bias would help us avoid dangerous situations.

I understand she's put you through so much, and that a lot of people will never know how hard you had it.

Sometimes, even though we have good intentions, we're never able to fully forgive the person that hurt us so badly.

Someone on MN wrote that I don't owe my happiness to anyone, and I agree with that.

When we intract with people, we may feel good, energetic, cared for, understood, ruminating, flat, or drained.

You don't have to be nice if you spent most of your life just trying to survive and defend yourself. It sounds harsh, but if your body just feels tired trying, give yourself a break.

You don't owe her all this care at the expense of your mental health. It would be ideal if we could just forgive and move on to people who harmed us. That works only if you are free of them at some point.

I can tell you're exhausted and trying. Give yourself a break xxx

Such helpful responses. Really surprisingly intuitive as well, thank you.

I am in this fake scenario as well and honestly it helps to think there is a finite time left now. I'm doing it because I'm a decent person, not her.

You might be surprised how many people experience similar. I did not enjoy my mother's company at all. She was an abusive parent and I only maintained a relationship with her out of a sense of fear, obligation and guilt. (This is known as FOG. You can look it up. There's also a website called "out of the fog".)

I went "no contact" with her in her later years, and now that she is dead, all I feel is relief. I realised at that point that I actually didn't like her at all. Never had.

It's all highly complex from an emotional point of view when we have mothers like this.

Know that you are not alone.

I just don’t do it. I cut contact years ago and won’t help with anything. Actions have consequences. You don’t have to do it.

Oh OP, I really feel for you. I have a very superficial relationship with my parents - they live in a different country so I just do sporadic texts and visit once a year. It hurts and I have had years of therapy, and grieved my relationship with them very deeply. It's a long story but they only want a relationship with me on their terms, and I just have to live my own life

My MIL was a horrendous narcissist who treated my poor DP terribly. He used to phone her every Sunday and he used to dread it all weekend

It's horrible to feel this way about your own parents, but totally understandable, and you are not alone x

OP I am in the same situation.

People looking at my DM and me think we have such a close relationship. It's because it's fake. I do love her and she's currently very I'll (terminal cancer) and, whilst I do everything for her that she asks - and she has told me she has disinherited me! - I know it's not for much longer.

I don't tell people this of course. The reasonable advice would be to cut her off but can't.

I feel for you

Thank you all so much. I would like to respond to you individually as you’ve touched on such relevant points. It is a mixture of things - duty, hate, dislike, a smidgeon of love somewhere.

I’ve had to do a serious amount of admin the last 9 months (after 2 years of NC) and I’m probably exhausted. However, I think things will be much more basic from now, weekly shops, a few purchases. I’m trying to get her to £ help a vulnerable relative and that’s another source of exhaustion for me (she’s so suspicious and ungiving).

The whole thing is very painful for me today, lack of sleep, and even on the 🍷 [laughs] at 2.30 pm. Not my usual self but I’m just so exhausted with it all. I really hate being fake generally so to have to do it with family is particularly galling.

I could write loads more. If I don’t come back it’s because I’ve deleted my MN account. I can’t deal with “general MN” when in a sensitive mood.

But thank you all anyway for your kind and understanding words x

And flowers 💐 to all struggling in vaguely similar ways.

And, once I’ve recovered from this latest upset/distress, @cassiatwenty is right, back to we have to make our own happiness xx

We deserve it.

I did that with both parents. No contact for 20+ years. They died a few years apart, and I had no regret or shed a tear. You reap what you sow.

One of the great things about NC in my experience is that the scab doesn’t continually get ripped off (in dramatic parlance). I believe NC is a fantastic arena for peace and healing.

However …. people’s difficult circumstances can make that not a simple and straightforward scenario, eg a vulnerable relative. Sometimes everything just feels “fucked up” no matter what you do :-(

I’ve run out of 🍷 now … s*

I think you’re kind and ethical and it won’t be forever. You can come though this situation with your head held high.

Hi @Pippypolly I'm another one feeling fake. Also had periods of NC/VLC and lots of therapy. My mother is extremely popular among her friends and carers, and it's only because of my therapist that I don't think it's me that's the problem. My mother is very good at keeping it within the family and behind closed doors too.
And now I'm giving her several hours care a week and taking her to appointments and doing quite a lot of admin. We're getting on ok because I tread on eggshells and have got good at deflecting the comments. It's been pointed out to me that she installed these trigger points in me throughout childhood, so now just a look or a tone can be loaded with meaning. People who don't know her don't see it. I want with all my heart to love her, and feel guilty that I don't even like her much, especially now she's so vulnerable.
I'm sad that other people deal with this too, yet grateful to read here that there are people who understand.
Best wishes to you all 💐

Come on over to the stately homes thread it is a very supportive thread for people in situations like yourself.

I too used to do a duty weekly phone call that left me upset,raging and triggered. During COVID I just stopped it and never restarted, I can't tell you how liberating it is. I now ring if I feel like it,if I am feeling mentally strong enough to cope.

Could you start by cutting down the frequency or length of the phonecalls? Just to protect yourself. How about with the visits could you make them once every two months.

It sounds like you are doing loads for her to your own detriment. It sounds engulfing like you are drowning in it and being triggered constantly.

I have a similar situation with my mother she's 86. I will do the bare minimum and that's it. After the vile childhood I endured it is more than she deserves.

Please think of your own health and needs and prioritise yourself. Much love xxx

Same with my DM I don't like her but I care about her . She was mentally and physically abusive toward me in my younger days , but a good parent in other ways . I just Grey Rock her , need to know only , and just let her talk when I visit . I try not to react to her when she tries stirring drama .

What sort of behaviour on your part will make you feel easier/less shit/content/pleased with yourself when she dies? Do that.

I am in the same situation DF was not a kind or loving father and tbh emotionally and psychologically abusive. He now has vascular dementia and I had to have him sectioned in January. He has deteriorated fast and it is so frustrating that when he's vile to us in front of people we get told "oh it's the dementia" it's not though it's him it's just he let's the mask slip in public now.

I have done everything I could for him, not because I care about him but I cared about DM and the rest of us, he had become even nastier and more controlling then before.

Everyone thinks I'm mad doing everything I've done for him because of how he's treated me but I want to be a better person then him and to be decent.

I have worked really hard to try and get DF koved to a home and it's been a battle as dealing with SS is a nightmare. DF makes the staff in the dementia unit ring and ask me when he's moving on one occasion they allowed him to ring me 5 times in an hour. This is from a man who has never phoned me to ask me how I am, tell me he loves me etc it is because he wants something from me ie my help.

I have now told the dementia unit I don't want calls as two weeks ago he rang and told me I am "not fing good enough" because I had no news on him being moved. I put the phone down and said nope not taking this anymore. He asked the unit to call me again straight after and I refused the call. DM visited last weekend and I was criticised by a nurse who thought I was awful for not taking calls.

I made myself physically and mentally exhausted for someone I know would not do that same for me. I will visit this week but it's on my terms now he doesn't get to bully me now.

I used to want acknowledgement and therefore resolution, so the fakeness mattered. I’ve accepted now that I will never have that. In the meantime, incipient dementia has actually made my mother a nicer person, which gives you an idea of what she was like before. Fakeness now (and it’s all fake) keeps her happy so I don’t feel guilty. Win win. I still keep contact to the bare minimum, but she doesn’t realise because incipient dementia. Also, her conversation is usually almost word for word repetition of the last time we spoke, so I’m able to zone out, making interaction less painful. And I grey rock, kindly. I always steer the conversation towards her and never tell her anything about my own life —not that she’s marginally interested— so there’s no opportunity for her to hurt me.

I'm in the same situation. I hear you. It's grim. Having comments made about how lovely mine is (if only they knew!) are deeply grating. I tell myself that I do it not because of how I was/am treated and what she is, but because of who I am. That helps, not always, but sometimes.

Sending you much love. Best wishes for happier times ahead. xx

Similar feelings here. My Mum & I never really gelled. She's quite self obsessed & not very giving. I love her but don't like the person she used to be before illness took hold.
She's bedridden & in a care home now, it's quite pitiful really. I am involved in her welfare only because I'm a decent person and am grateful she didn't try and abort me (she was an unmarried mother in the 60s).

She gave me life & I owe it to her to make sure she's cared for but that's it.