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Elderly parents

Stretched so thin...

27 replies

Lucy304 · 15/09/2023 18:26

Mum is 75 and, up until this summer, has been independent. She's recently had some health problems so we've been helping a lot more. She's now been declared medically fit to drive again, but is choosing not to. So me and DH are still doing all her errands/ shopping/ appointments etc.
We also both work, and have a very young family (a baby and a preschooler).
Long story short, I am struggling to keep up with it all. I went round and took Mum food shopping after work this evening, but she's just rang and asked for another lift tomorrow. DH is working so it would mean taking the kids with me, the older one is full of cold and we could just all do with a steady day. I nearly cried down the phone.
I really need to tell Mum it's all getting a bit much. She could help by starting to drive a bit, or finding out about taxis/ buses near her, or perhaps asking another family member or friend to help out on occasion.
I want to say something, but I feel awful and don't want her to feel abandoned. Any advice? Feeling like a completely crap daughter, wife and mother right now...

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Taptap2 · 15/09/2023 18:34

She is being selfish I’m afraid and has got used to being ferried around. Just tell her your child is sick and you can’t drive her tomorrow. She can get a taxi if she is not confident to drive. You are too busy and she doesn’t need your help she wants it but it’s not a need.

Perhaps she needs to think about moving closer to shops and public transport. Order her shopping online and ideally teach her how to do it.

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Muchtoomuchtodo · 15/09/2023 18:38

you’re going to have to be honest with her about how much or little support you are able to give her. Suggest a referral to adult social services to get some formal support in for her - she can do this herself or you can. You can get direct payments to pay a PA if that would work better. Does she have a cleaner, gardener etc?

Could she learn how to order taxis, do an online food order, book ambulances for hospital appts etc while outside help is being sorted?

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RandomMess · 15/09/2023 18:42

She can do her own shop and get it delivered, when she asks for a lift give her the local taxi numbers.

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HerMammy · 15/09/2023 18:59

Suggest a referral to adult social services to get some formal support in for her
Why would already stretched thin SS help an able person who chooses not to drive and do for herself.

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MissBiljanaElectronika · 15/09/2023 19:04

She is thinking of herself too much, and too little of you

you need to set clear boundaries: food can come in via online shop (yeah it’s not as nice blah blah)

you can’t run errands at the drop of a hat

you both need to let go of a lot of things that are considered essential by both of you but aren’t

i had a lot of help from my dad’s social worker who told me the world would not cave in if his sheets were not washed every week, or if he had to eat a microwave meal every now or then.

you need to learn to set boundaries, and to let go a bit

good luck

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thinkfast · 15/09/2023 19:05

Just say you can't go tomorrow as kids are ill and DH is working. Simple. She can drive or get a cab.

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Lucy304 · 15/09/2023 19:13

Thank you for the replies. It's reassuring to hear people saying similar things, I feel a bit less guilty now!
To answer some questions, she is able to do most things herself. She does her own cleaning and laundry, she potters in the garden (DH cuts the grass). It's the driving that's the biggest stumbling block. I think I had more patience when she actually wasn't allowed to drive, but now it's just her choice I am getting more frustrated.
She has a smartphone and a laptop and could definitely manage ordering taxis and shopping. She happily orders clothes online!
I am going to have a conversation with her. We are still happy to help but we need to cut it down.

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Supersimkin2 · 15/09/2023 19:15

Nah. Online shop
and taxis.

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cptartapp · 15/09/2023 19:18

Could she not afford a gardener and free your DH of the job?

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BadSkiingMum · 15/09/2023 19:24

Well, she probably is being sensible in giving up driving, especially if she has had a gap. It would happen sooner or later anyway. It’s better for her to get used to other forms of transport now, while she is still relatively mobile.

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Lucy304 · 15/09/2023 20:07

Just rang her. I said tomorrow will be difficult as I've got a poorly little girl here. I offered to help her sort a taxi out, very reluctant. I then suggested a few names of people who might be able to help and left it with her. I'm glad I've done it but the guilt is real!

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BadSkiingMum · 15/09/2023 20:20

Well done. This is the moment where what is possible/necessary comes up against ‘Well, I’ve always done it this way.’

Unfortunately she is going to have to adapt.

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TheShellBeach · 15/09/2023 20:23

Come and join us in the Cockroach Cafe (a long- running thread on this board).

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Muchtoomuchtodo · 16/09/2023 07:52

HerMammy · 15/09/2023 18:59

Suggest a referral to adult social services to get some formal support in for her
Why would already stretched thin SS help an able person who chooses not to drive and do for herself.

We don’t know that the person in question feels safe to drive after their recent health issues. They certainly should not be forced to do so!

There are also community transport schemes that op could direct her towards.

Ultimately she sounds in need of more support and as op has so many other demands on her time, contact with social services would be a good idea imo.

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EmotionalBlackmail · 16/09/2023 10:09

It's really hard when they try to get you to do everything for them whilst capable of doing it themselves.

But longterm it's better for everyone if she has other options like friends for lifts or a taxi. At some point you wouldn't have been able to do it (your own illness, work, child commitments as they get older and have more activities) so this way you're making sure she retains the ability to sort these things out for herself.

And I bet she wouldn't be impressed if she'd caught your child's illness!

You could get her to make sure she's got some frozen ready meals in, bread and milk in the freezer and a microwave. That way it doesn't matter if she can't get out for a few days and no need for you to rush round and solve the problem.

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Purplecatshopaholic · 16/09/2023 10:15

Hopefully once you’ve, very reasonably, said no a few times it will get easier. She’s being selfish. You need to stick to boundaries or she will keep pushing.

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LittleOwl153 · 16/09/2023 10:22

Will be interesting to see if grandma checks on the poorly child this morning...

Unfortunately OP the more you do the more she will expect. She does not need to drive whilst you keep running around after her. Does she still have the car? Maybe suggest a couple of driving lessons to get her confidence back... along with a lot more saying NO so that it becomes a need for her to do something about it.

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Lucy304 · 16/09/2023 14:31

Thank you for the recent replies. A lot of food for thought really, I'd never really thought of her as selfish but it's obviously coming across that way to outsiders.
Yes, she still has the car, she's only been not driving for about 2 months. I honestly don't think she's at the point where she needs to stop driving completely. We had to go there with another family member years ago, it was so obvious to everyone that they shouldn't be on the road any more. With Mum, it feels like she has either lost her confidence or is just enjoying being chauffeured around! I do understand the confidence thing, I've offered to go out with her the first few times. She doesn't have to go far anyway, just local trips.
The thing is, whatever we do, she always needs (wants?) more. So I've just phoned to see how she's doing, she managed to sort a lift today so all good. But then she was talking about another job she wanted doing on Monday, and something else later in the week. I just feel so drained by it all.
I know, I need to say no more often. I will try x

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EmotionalBlackmail · 16/09/2023 15:10

It's kinder in the long run to put boundaries in place, even though she won't like it. At some point you wouldn't have been able to keep up with her, but this is enabling her to broaden her support network so it's not all on you.

How often do you ring? I personally wouldn't have rung to check she'd got a lift sorted, I'd just assume she had and left her to get on with it. But I have pretty firm boundaries with mine (I won't speak to her more than once a week and I do not do lifts) which wouldn't work for everyone.

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Mossstitch · 16/09/2023 15:13

Muchtoomuchtodo · 16/09/2023 07:52

We don’t know that the person in question feels safe to drive after their recent health issues. They certainly should not be forced to do so!

There are also community transport schemes that op could direct her towards.

Ultimately she sounds in need of more support and as op has so many other demands on her time, contact with social services would be a good idea imo.

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Social services would do absolutely nothing, they only assist if people are unable to wash and dress themselves or do meals/medications, whether for a physical or cognitive reason.

If there is a local age UK they often have lists of local services which in my area offer a volunteer driving service for appointments, they just charge a small amount for costs, handyman services and accredited cleaners. That kind of thing sounds more appropriate.

Op is best to stop offering so much when it is not needed as this could well go on for 20 years, 75 is not really 'old' anymore, not where I live anyway, there are plenty of people around 90 still driving

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RandomMess · 16/09/2023 18:51

Just turn it around and tell her today that she needs to sort next week out.

Yes she's selfish because regardless of how much or how little you do she wants more. She prioritises her wants over the need for her own grandchildren to have your focused support.

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mycoffeecup · 16/09/2023 18:55

'I'm sorry Mum but going forward I'm not going to be able to give you regular lifts - I'd really suggest that you start driving again, or you'll be reliant on taxis'

Then don't be free the next 5 times. She'll get the message.

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boomtickhouse · 16/09/2023 19:33

I don't think I'd be encouraging a 75yo reluctant driver to start again. She does need to be looking at buses and what is walkable from home. Walking more will keep her fitter and healthy for the next 10 years if she starts now. Or packaging her "jobs" into a day out once a week to the town by bus etc, rather than popping out for an hour on multiple days.

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mycoffeecup · 17/09/2023 12:02

boomtickhouse · 16/09/2023 19:33

I don't think I'd be encouraging a 75yo reluctant driver to start again. She does need to be looking at buses and what is walkable from home. Walking more will keep her fitter and healthy for the next 10 years if she starts now. Or packaging her "jobs" into a day out once a week to the town by bus etc, rather than popping out for an hour on multiple days.

Why not? It's the main thing that will stop her being isolated

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PermanentTemporary · 23/09/2023 20:49

'Oh that sounds a good idea. Ooh I can't do that, who will you ask?'

'Well not to worry, I'll be over on Sunday

Write them on a card and stick it in your purse. Read it out to her frequently.

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