DS feels trapped... but I don't think she is

[MorePressureMoreRelease]

Our DP is in their early 90's and lives with DSis. I live 80 miles away and DP comes to live with me for a 'holiday' of max a month or so 2-3 times a year.

The problem is that DP refuses to accept professional care so DSis feels like she can't leave them for more than 24 hours. DP is continent and sentient and just needs someone around to make sure they eat and drink something.

My view is that if DP refuses care then it is their call. DSis shouldn't feel obliged and that she should employ the care if it makes her life easier. Money is not the issue. Am I wrong? I think that sometimes the needs of DP should be secondary to DSis. I'm very conscious that I don't do as much or as consistently as she does but she is sometimes a bit of a martyr.

What's the right approach?

Yabu. Easy for you to say
why don’t they move in with you and ‘holiday’ with them? You have no idea of the impact on her life.

Sorry i know this isn’t aibu but your post gave me the rage. Your poor sister.

Maybe take them in for a year and then decide.

Yes you are right. If DP have capacity and the finances they should be sorting out some kind of care.. even just a cleaner/cook once a day. Your sister should not be making sacrifices that are harming her to do this if they can actually afford to pay someone a fair wage for doing it. And she shouldn't be blaming you for pointing this out or expecting you to pick up the slack.

She's not blaming me at all. I just want to make her life easier. From a practical perspective it is not possible for DP to live with me more as DSis' home is DP's home. She has her own space there whereas with me doesn't have her own living room or bathroom. She doesn't want to live with me more.

Yabu . The pressure she must be under and the lack of freedom she must have is huge. Like pp have said swap for a year and see if you still feel the same.

I don’t understand the hate, the OP is just saying her sister should be able to book help.
The thing I don’t understand is you describe her as “continent and sentient”. That makes it sound like she doesn’t have care needs. Is there a reason she can’t be left alone if that is her wishes?

Thank you.

Yes she doesn't really have care needs but there is the fear if she falls etc (she has osteoporosis) and she's pretty much given up on feeding and watering herself. NB brain still 💯

Yabu for not realising how the role she has found herself in limits her life.

I guess the thing to keep in mind is it's all very well to say 'on DP's head be it' if they refuse care and something happens .. but in practical terms, it'll be your sister who's left to sort everything out. Go to the hospital every day, try to organise the assessment, organise the carers or whatever the hospital need to discharge DP, let's say DP falls down and breaks a hip - all that recovery falls on your sister. If she hires carers to cover her absence and your DP refuses to let them in - same thing.

I think you misunderstand. I totally appreciate all that my DSis is doing. However if my DP refuses to have additional help then my DSis feels like she can't buy it in to buy herself some space. I say that she should. And not feel guilty about it.

She absolutely should be booking care. And you need to be to have the very clear conversation along the lines of ‘Mum, Sarah needs support or else we will need to think about you moving into residential care. This isn’t about you needing a carer. We need to make sure Sarah doesn’t feel overwhelmed.’

I think your DSis should definitely be booking in care . It really winds me up when people say they don't need care when they obviously do ! If a cleaner goes in for a few hours a week . Someone to supervise meals and meds . That will also break up the days . If you book them then your DSis can blame you . She can say you've booked them because you can't help out any more than a couple of months a year .

I like this idea. If I organise it then DP and DSis can 'blame' me. Thank you.

Sorry OP. I’ve been a right cow. Please accept my apologies and some 💐 x

Gosh. I'm not sure I've ever come across anyone apologising on Mumsnet before. No worries and thank you.

You need to be careful with OP but it's really not a reason to give up.

But she does have them 3 times a year for a month at a time.

YANBU those requiring the care do not necessarily get to call the shots of how it is delivered.

You haven't told us the back story of how your dsis came to be living in your mums house but whatever the reason (presumably it began more as a companionable/convenient arrangement) it needs to be made clear to your mum that the care is there to benefit you and dsis because "obviously dsis needs to go out sometimes and it will save us from worrying. You know what she's like, if there's noone here then dsis won't ever go out at all and we don't want that do we mum?"

Organising care now is the right thing to do. Your DP is being selfish expecting your sister to do everything but it’s very common. I like the suggestion of you arranging it to save your sister from being blamed.

My mum accepted some care but not enough. She didn’t eat properly and wouldn’t have a meal service because it wasn’t free (we don’t live in the UK) and she was obsessed about not spending money. We later discovered she had tens of thousands in the bank while she was crying poor to anyone who would listen. What she wanted was for me and my siblings to look after her but we all lived over 90 minutes away and had jobs and children still at school. Eventually she had a fall and ended up in a care home. It didn’t have to be like this but her determination that we should care for her when it wasn’t practical or feasible led down this path and I don’t feel guilty. But one thing I would do differently is intervene more forcefully about getting more care in.

YANBU it is so frustrating when people refuse paid care and don't seem to mind about the burden they are placing on their family.

This.

I think you need to be clear and have this conversation with your parent.
If your sister gets overwhelmed, then there will be no-one to support her.

On a practical basis, would your sister be open to having someone come in and clean (or clean and change beds and iron or whatever) in the first instance - partly to give her time when there is another adult in the house, so at least she can get practical things done in the day (dentist, Dr, hospital appts plus shopping, haircuts, etc, and go for a swim or hike or sing with a choir or whatever she fancies during this time). But from your Mum's pov not call her a "carer", but it just be someone your sister employs to make her life easier, so there isn't so much resistance to begin with, and she might 'get used to' someone being in the house whilst your sister isn't, as an initial "in" ?

Is your sister living in your Mum’s house? Is that why she feels that she can’t insist that they need to have extra help?

Because she definitely does need some support.