DS feels trapped... but I don't think she is

[MorePressureMoreRelease]

Our DP is in their early 90's and lives with DSis. I live 80 miles away and DP comes to live with me for a 'holiday' of max a month or so 2-3 times a year.

The problem is that DP refuses to accept professional care so DSis feels like she can't leave them for more than 24 hours. DP is continent and sentient and just needs someone around to make sure they eat and drink something.

My view is that if DP refuses care then it is their call. DSis shouldn't feel obliged and that she should employ the care if it makes her life easier. Money is not the issue. Am I wrong? I think that sometimes the needs of DP should be secondary to DSis. I'm very conscious that I don't do as much or as consistently as she does but she is sometimes a bit of a martyr.

What's the right approach?

Do you leave them for long periods when they're with you?

DSis can't just employ care using their money if they don't consent to it or are you planning to pay? Even if care is employed, no one can force DP to accept it.

The reality is that your ds is living with your DP 24/7. Meanwhile your taking your DP 2 or 3 times a year for at most a month at a time.
Your not comparing like with like at all. Your D's has to organise her life around your DP needs both physically and mentally. She has to organise and bring dp to doctor and hospital appointments. Your DP is now 90 and your sister could have been managing this for years.
She is probably physically and mentally exhausted. Along with this she has a husband and possibly her own children to consider as well.

I know several older people who don't want career's or go into a nursing home but the reality is that it not fair to expect an adult child to put their life on hold to do this.
At this stage you need to have a face to face chat with your sister and decide what help your sister and mother need now. You may have to tell your mother you decided to get a cleaner ect into the house so X can have break or because your sister needs to leave the house say each Wed.

With looking after an elderly person they get worse physically as they get older. They think they are still able to do things but in reality it's not safe say for them to say drive, deal with a lot of steps ect.
Some people are still very good mentally at 90 but then can begin to become forgetful and can become stubborn along with repeating things or complaining about everything.

The reality is that your sister needs help now on a regular basis with your mother. She is taking the mental and physical load of caring and it's far from easy. How often does she get a proper break away from your mother?
How would you manage if your sister got sick and could not mind your mother?
Could you arrange respite care for your DP and let your sister go away on holidays for a break then.

Get a lifeline installed,
A daily cleaner/home help
Appetito/meals on wheels, they will bring a hot meal every day.
Is there a key safe?
Perhaps ask for an OT assessment to check your parent has all the aids they need to help them navigate the home safely.

If cost isn't an obstacle then get help for your sister. A cleaner would be a good start, particularly with bed changing. Then add in a companion/carer making sure they visit over a mealtime. Personal care might start with a manicure and progress when mum is happy, if necessary. Even just knowing someone else is in the house while she showers might help. If you/DP are paying you have more control and hopefully consistency

I have been in a position not wholly unlike your sisters. It probably won't help her just to say she should get more help, even though you are right.

As other posters have said, if you want to help her you need to find carers, and you talk to your DP about the need for it.

I say this because that is what I wished my family would do, I know its not easy when you are the distant person, but if you want to help your sister I think it's what you need to do.

I can totally understand why your sister is reluctant to leave your DP alone for too long. If DP has a fall it will be your sister who has to pick up the pieces. Calling your sister a martyr is very unkind.

If the parent is still in control of all faculties, then the parent still has control of finances. The sister can’t just use the parent’s money to hire care without consent. Are you suggesting your sister should pay for care out of her own pocket?

The OP is not being unkind. Some people are martyrs (I know a few). And ultimately if her sister is doing too much for their DM then it could be to the detriment of DM's health. She is making her reliant when she could be more independent.

So I’m your DS. My elderly parents live with us. My mother refused to have care for certain things and I said tough, there’s only so much I can do.

I get the feeling of not wanting to leave her with carers in case something happens, but that way madness lies. My mother had a fall when I was at home and I didn’t manage to prevent that and she had another when she was out an about, so you just have to just have to be philosophical.

DS needs a good care plan for when she’s home and a FT care including overnights for when she wants to go away.

Yes, I think you both need to put your foot down and insist on help, although I think presenting a unified front would be best, personally.

Could you look at Age UK/similar helplines/services that could give your sister somewhere to talk through the situation with her to try to get away from some of the guilt? Cause taking on too much of the situation is bad all round, including for your DP.

I'm really surprised at some of the responses. It's clear that @MorePressureMoreRelease is concerned* *about her sister, which is why she would like carers to go in and help her parent, giving sister some respite.
I totally agree that our elders need care, and also that they must have a say in that care. But in giving them choices, we have to watch that they don't end up having them at the expense of the person doing the caring. Some of the responses on here seem to be all about the right of the parent to decline outside help, which then lands the family stuck between doing it all or risking charges of neglect, and that's not right either!