When parent says they wish they were dead as they've had enough of life...

[walkingonthemoon]

Hi

Any advice? Kind words? Would counselling help?

My mum has been diagnosed with cancer (again) at 81. She's frail, has carers and is totally fed up. Lost her independence.

Feeling at a loss.

My mother is the same. GP won't prescribe anti depressants/anti anxiety medication because of co- morbidity & interaction with other medication. She suggested counselling, but trying to find a counsellor for an 89 year old has proved impossible. I feel at a loss at what to do.

I do know that McMillan (cancer charity) is offering 6 weeks counselling with BUPA for cancer sufferers. I don't know if your mum would qualify for this.

I'm so sorry for your situation. Thankyou for taking the time to post. I'm going to ask her consultant next week re macmillan as she's not having chemo by choice and the Dr said it would do more harm than good. So it's palliative type care in the future.

My late dad used to say this. It used to break my heart to hear, when I wanted him to live forever. Over time I came to understand.. he'd lost so much.. his wife, his independence, his ability to enjoy his life, his future was bleak.

I did what I could to help his last months be as good as they could be (which wasn't much) and eventually just held his hand and told him I understood.

I'm sorry OP.

Listen to them - they may be right.

My DM used to say this to me a few years back when she was ill, I knew that what she had was treatable so I dragged her along, she got better and has had some very happy years.

However she's now mid 80s, frail, outlived her husband and most of her friends and if she had cancer I know she wouldn't want any treatment. So I'd support her doing what she wanted as she would be ready to go.

I think this is more common than people think.

It's how they feel in that moment. They may or may not feel that way tomorrow, next week, next month.

Getting older is hard, you're often uncomfortable or in pain, you suffer many bereavements - not just of people, but also of independence/hobbies/activities/ dignity/ your home.

It's very hard to respond to - the previous poster that sat with them and held their hand I think had the best response.

My MIL also said this, she had stage 4 bowel cancer, bed ridden, incontinent, frail and weak. It was heartbreaking to hear but she had no quality of life.

There seems to me to be many ways to respond to this post.

I've thought about which one is the most kind. But I've gone, instead with the most straight forward.

I'm getting on (euphemism, I'm old) and I'm frail. I cannot go out without help, I'm just about hanging on to the last of my independence.

I sure as hell want to die. It irks me that others get to choose if I live or not. This is not a passing fancy, it's also not a declaration of impending suicide.

Believe your Mum. Support her in whatever way you can. But please don't listen to those who tell you that life must be preserved, no matter what. HCPs seem to believe that medical care can make you live. Well, whooppee. Maybe it can, but when is it time to ask if it should?

Best wishes to you and your Mum.

It may be hard to hear, but it's also a perfectly logical and reasonable thing to say. I'm pretty sure I'd be saying it in some of the circumstances described here, so there's no reason to assume it's depression. I would say just listen and accept their point of view - they're not wrong to feel this way, and their feelings should be respected. Legally, you can't assist their death, but you can at least acknowledge how they feel.

I kind of envy you.

My mum has terminal cancer and is in complete denial. Forgotten she has it. Won't talk about it. Thinks she's coming home to recover.

I've tried telling her what the deal is and she has months at best and she turned hostile and nasty and said I was cruel and just trying to scare her.

I have no idea what she would want for her funeral or anything she wants to tell me before she goes.

It's so hard pretending as if she isn't that ill.

There’s a really good article on this here
https://www.theguardian.com/books/2023/aug/20/mother-planned-own-death-natasha-walter-before-the-light-fades-suicide?

As pp have said, sometimes it’s an in-the-moment thing, but I think it will become more widespread. We have completely failed to acknowledge that actually quality of life is far more important that living per se.

If anything, use it to plan how they’d like their death and funeral to be. And think about your own too.

My dm was like this. Totally fed up with her health issues and agreed with the drs a DNR when they spoke on one of her hospital stays. Dm told me but she hadn’t mentioned it to db. Told her to do this too, db was devastated but with all her health issues I understood her stance and stuck by her decision. Df had already passed by this point, she just wanted to be with him.
She finally found her peace when she passed away last year due to pneumonia as a complication as she had lung cancer. She was in and out of hospital like a yo-yo, so a blessed relief for her.
I hope you can see your dms viewpoint, it really is a miserable situation to be in.

My dad says this, and it comes from a place of intelligence and sound logic. He is in a nursing home, catheterised, wears a pad, very uncomfortable out of bed and can no longer do the things he enjoyed the most. He’s happy that the family is all doing well. Everything possible is done to enrich his life but it’s not what he wants. His best friends are gone, his savings are dwindling and he wants out.

I think this is quite common - and rational , really. I can readily think of three people who express/expressed this wish as they lost their independence, sight, mobility etc. It is so hard to hear, and even harder not to argue with. But I think pps who are saying hear, acknowledge, I guess with words like 'this must be so hard for you' 'I can see why you feel like that' etc, are probably giving good advice. I am not sure counselling can talk her out of what seems to me a perfectly rational response to an unalterably shitty situation but I could be wrong. Either way,💐 to you and your Mum.

It’s so sad but there isn’t much you can do about this, you can’t jolly people out of this state of mind and I am not sure we should even try.

People just can’t live forever as much as we might want them to :( I can definitely imagine a point where I’d just had enough and i absolutely love life, my family, and friends so much.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, though, it is very hard to deal with, particularly when we want them to live because we love them so much.

@MissMarplesNiece GPs like that may need a bit of a conversation. Has she had a proper discussion about what matters more to your mum, living as long as possible or quality of life and comfort? What are the meds that mean she can’t have anti anxiety medication, what are the risks of having them, what’s the benefit of those to your mum at her age, and which would your mum rather have? It may be that a grown up discussion would result in a better solution for your mum.

I don't think there is anything wrong with saying that, she's just being honest

My Mum had pancreatic cancer and died at 86 weighing just 6 stone 8 lbs. She couldn't eat with the cancer so was starved to death. My sister's and I cared for her in her home and a McMillan nurse came every day. So many days in her last month she told me she didn't want to wake up. She loved us but her DH was dead, every single one of her friends was dead, she was the oldest of her generation in the area she lived as and she'd just had enough of life. She said she'd had a good life and that she'd been happy most of her life and now she wanted to sleep and not wake up in pain. She was on morphine for pain at the end. One day she got her wish and didn't wake up. Although I was terribly sad to lose my Mum I couldn't be sorry she'd gone because she was wasting away every day in front of us in pain. Sometimes they know best. I can't help thinking we wouldn't let a cat or dog suffer in that way but humans are made too. She slept a lot in her last week of life.

MIL sometimes says this kind of thing. Advanced mixed dementia, zero quality of life, can't eat solid food or remember what she did 5 seconds ago. Usually feels a bit shit with all the aches and pains of an 80-something body with too much hard graft on the clock. No pleasure in anything. I don't blame her for saying it. She certainly means it at the time.

I have a couple of elderly (90s) and frail family members and I hope this doesn't sound weird, but I'm glad that they want to die. They have both said they've lived a good life but now it's time to go... of course it's sad that we're going to lose them but they're ready. Isn't that the best way to be? A life well lived.

My Dad (85) has said this a few times. He’s outlived two wives, has mobility and various other health issues-he’s not quite ready to go yet, but he’s perfectly entitled to feel this way when he’s having a bad day. Tbh, I’m not sure that I want to live past my 80’s unless I have remarkably good health.

You don’t need to react to your Mum’s comments, OP, just respect her wishes if she doesn’t wish to be resuscitated, for example.

No please don't try and inflict counselling on these poor folks who likely are absolutely right to want to be dead. Acknowledge their feelings honestly. Tell them that what is happening to them is rubbish. The fact that you might want them to live forever is neither here nor there. When my parents are saying this consistently I would love to think I'd have the courage to help them on their way, but I probably won't.

I think someon in their 80s, in pain and ill has every right to say and think this. We don;t live forever. Death is natural and inevitable. If her good life is behind her, where she was well enough to live fully, and all she has now is debilitating illness, then acknowledge her right to feel this way.

I'd say, "I understand mum. I love you and i am so sorry you have to put up with this." Then try to help make her comfortable and take her mind off it. Reminisce. Ask questions about her youth and old photographs, play music she loves and offer her food she enjoys and treats.

It's sad but I think it's more common than people realise and more rational than people want to acknowledge. My mum is a similar age and she looked after my nan who lived to 99, in good physical health but she outlived her husband by about 20 years, outlived all her friends and all her in the last few years didn't recognise even her closest family. She was miserable, said so frequently and at times her dementia meant that she really took out her misery on those closest to her as well.

Mum's still got a good quality of life but I know she's dreading that potential outcome. She'd far rather die peacefully in her 80s than liver miserably to 100.

No one in my family has had anything close to resembling quality of life after 75, with significant struggles before that as well. I know my parents have no intention of showing themselves to suffer or others to suffer because of them in the same way we all have my grandparents, and I totally respect that choice.

Personally, my ideal life plan is to live the coming 20 years to the full, then wake up dead one day in my mid/late 80s. I’m already feeling changes at 65 that are a very mild warning of what’s to come, and the PIL in their late 80s have a quality of life that I don’t want thanks.

However, I am all too aware I’d be very lucky to die suddenly and current healthcare and health practices, along with our irrational innate desire to stay alive, mean I’m likely to have a long slow (expensive painful depressing) descent to a longed-for death. I hope I have the strength to minimise the prolonging of my life when the time comes. I do have an Advance Decision in place to cover the worst eventualities.