Persuading parents to move from v unsuitable house

[Hilda41]

Hi, My parents are late 70s, they've always been healthy and indepently, but now my mum has lost mobility - rheumatism and osteoperosis and is struggling with mobility. I visit as often as I can, but it's a 3 hour drive away and my dc have SEN.

They live in a huge, old house which is basically falling apart and not future proofed at all. In the past they looked into installing a downstairs toilet, but this proved tricky. Loads of expensive repairs need doing. They also live in the middle of nowhere - on the outskirts of a tiny village in the countryside. It's full of clutter and stuff too, and there's a huge garden which is too much for them

We have talked for years about them moving, but they were always very resistant when they were fit and well, and in a way looking after the house and garden was a full time job that kept them active. Now it's way too much though for them as my mum can't do anything because of her back. They are not future planners at all and both lived in denial about getting older.

My sister and I live very close to each other, so it's a no brainer to move closer to us. It would be a huge transition though, and every year will get harder.

Does anyone have any tips / practical advice about helping them move? I think it's the only solution as getting regular care in would be tricky as they are so isolated.

For as long as they have mental capacity, step back. Freedom includes the right to make unwise choices. Be honest with them that their location and your own DC issues mean that you aren't going to be able to be much help as they get older but you would be able to do more if they lived closer. However if they choose not to move and have to rely more heavily on bought-in carer services then that is up to them.

You can't and shouldn't be trying to persuade them to do what works best for you. They are adults with their own priorities and whilst they know full well the problems with staying put, the problems of sorting out a lifetime of stuff and getting used to a new place can also be overwhelming. It's not unusual for elderly folk to die quite soon after a major uprooting done with the best of intentions - simply because the overwhelming stress of the move exacerbates whatever other health issues they have. So it's not unreasonable to choose to stay put in a clearly unsuitable situation if that is their choice.

PP is very sensible.
For now, would they get (afford?) a gardener and cleaner?

You do what you can, at the point that you can’t help, you point out to them that if they moved, you could help more and then you stand back.
We are in a 5 bed house where we raised our children, who will move out this year. It literally breaks my heart that at some point we are facing losing all this familiarity and all these memories, not to mention dumping so many objects with sentimental resonance.
Its a tough call OP, I guess the decision will be taken out their hands soon enough, in the meantime just stand back a bit.

Be honest with them that their location and your own DC issues mean that you aren't going to be able to be much help as they get older but you would be able to do more if they lived closer.

This is what we’ve done with dh’s parents. They live in a very similar circumstances to your parents, huge house, middle of nowhere with massive garden. FIL has worsening Parkinson’s, mil is recovering from cancer, both 80.
We’ve asked them for years to move closer to us so we can do more but they’ve decided not to. So we’ve explained we can’t help as much as we’d like to and when things get too much they will have to organise paid help. It’s too late for them to move now, they’re both too ill.

Dh are determined we won’t put our Dc through this.

This is a worrying time, I understand this predicament very well. It will no doubt be very hard for them to consider moving from all the familiarity and comfort of what they know but you could perhaps whet their appetite and ask if they would come with you to view something more suitable. If you have a rough idea of what they could get for their house, see if they'd be willing to view an adapted bungalow or some kind of assisted living. Make a day of it, go for a nice lunch etc. Sometimes it really helps to see with your own eyes how much easier and more practical it would be to not have stairs or a huge garden etc.

My dad was also very resistant to change but when he saw the place I had researched, he couldn't believe it and was suddenly full of excitement at how much easier things could be. Depending on your parents' personalities, this might be worth a try.

If they are 100% committed to staying in their current house, there isn't a great deal you can do. You can ask for a social services needs assessment which might help them with some mobility aids (grab rails/minor adjustments etc) but otherwise you'd have to be led by them. Really difficult situation!

Could you get a rough valuation for their house and show them what's available for their budget around you? My DH's grandmother sold her large 4 bed house in the Wiltshire countryside and was able to buy a 2 bed detached house in a posh area of central Chichester. She's always been active but had given up driving and was sick of relying on friends and family for lifts. Now she's on the edge of the pedestrian area and can walk (with her rollator) to cafes, shops, galleries. She was 90 when she moved and says her only regret is not doing it sooner. We see her less often than we used to because her social life has become so busy. We have to get booked into her diary at least a couple of months in advance 🤣

Thanks very much all for replying. Really helpful advice and food for thought.

Jauki -you are right. I think moving would be too overwhelming for them, especially if they felt pushed into it. And they need to go at their own pace. I had hoped the pull factor of being close to DC and dgc would be help, but I think for them it would just all be too stressful.

Responsible - your relative sounds very resilient! Amazing to roll with a new life like that in your 90s!

It's a tough moment in time.

I hate to say it, but you have to let them fail and struggle for a bit. That way they will start to appreciate you more.

After years of being told by my own parents how lovely the neighbours are and how much they are always there, hence they couldn't possibly move - I live 9 hrs away by car, only child - it took mum to get seriously ill and mentally unwell for dad to realise that the neighbours on both sides and across the road didn't really want to know. Their answer was 'get your son down to deal with it'.

It pissed my parents off something awful when I asked what these neighbours surnames were three years ago - they didn't know - it was just 'lovely john' or 'margaret from flower club'... But god, after pinning all their hopes on these people, did my dad get a shock.

Everyone was always 'busy' or about to go and see relatives...

Let them fail. Then they may think sensibly.

Otherwise you are just knackering yourself out trying to have a sensible convo

Following this as I’m in the same situation

I'm 60 so not old yet, but I would hate to be railroaded into living near my relatives, and leaving my community. Even if I was struggling.

Is there a compromise? When my dm was widowed and became less able, she refused point blank to move so we added services gradually around her.

• Weekly gardener
• Weekly cleaner
• Mobile hair dresser
• Weekly delivery from farm foods
• Weekly taxi run to supermarket on account
• Monthly pedicure
• Weekly visit to social centre
• Alarm button

The visits were spread out over the days so she always had something to get up and tidy for, and someone to talk to. They all had our number and would ring if any of them was worried.

She lived quite happily like that until about her last two weeks.

PIL wanted to make their own (poor) choices. All good until MIL predictably fell and badly broke her femur, joining the many similar others queueing in A&E to begin the revolving door scenario. Then it was all phone calls expecting immediate help.
Frustrating.

Some relatives of mine were in this situation. Hours away from family and very isolated in a big old house. It took about 10 years and eventually one of them falling down the stairs and breaking their hip for them to finally realise it wasn’t sustainable. They have now moved and wish they’d done it sooner. Seeing their kids and grandkids several times a week rather than just a few times a year.
They do need to work it out themselves unfortunately and older people are very resistant to change especially when it involves leaving the home they have lived their whole lives in

People don’t downsize soon enough

It's so hard isn't it? We want them to retain their independence but at some stage things inevitably change. MIL lives on her own in rural south west, we live 300miles away. She needs an urgent op and also a hip replacement, she can barely walk/stand due to the pain. She's stopped cooking/eating properly.
She has a cleaner now, and support from a community nurse but she never goes upstairs and can't currently drive due to mobility issues.
We'd love her to move closer to us but she's adamant she wants to stay in big house with massive wild garden, no public transport & no family nearby. She could sell and the proceeds would more than cover a lovely garden flat or small bungalow where we are.
DH has spent weeks with her helping out when she's been really unwell but he's now back to hybrid working so can't decamp there for weeks. Not should he need to really.
So hard. No answers but I feel your pain.

On a practical level the house is unsafe a not suited to a couple of the age and health. They will never see this, as on an emotional level, it is totally safe and secure. It has been there comfort blanket for such a long time.

In every case that I have seen, it is sadly only a major crisis which forces them to move. Meanwhile their loved ones live on edge waiting for the inevitable.
I don’t think you can do anything to persuade them to move.

I do feel for you. I pushed for my parents to do this very thing about fifteen years ago, but now it's too late. Them being late eighties, becoming more frail, and four hours away is a continual low-level worry for me.

But this is what they want and they are managing (somehow - the only help they have is a once a week cleaner who only does downstairs as they are private about upstairs), in their own way. They don't ask much of me and I see them as often as I can which doesn't feel often enough to me.

My only sibling lives abroad and I don't want this last few years with my parents around to be characterised by me nagging them, so for now I'm just taking it day by day.

I think there are some statistics which show that moving when you're very elderly particularly if you didnt want to can hasten your death

I think other suggestions people have made are much better, visitss from a range of services, cleaner, gardener, hairdresser etc etc

This is what Im trying to persuade mine to to do.

With regard to the state of the house, if things need repair that are actively going to cause them harm if not done, then thats something perhaps they can agree for you to arrange and supervise perhaps?

It usually takes a serious catastrophe before many elderly people accept help.

My advice would be to get POA put in place now / asap, so that if they did lose capacity you would have more ability to help.

Also keep an eye on what help may be available. Attendance Allowance is not means tested and can be used for whatever help they most need. Help them apply for a Blue Badge as soon as it becomes possible.

Occasionally and Cheerfully drop things into the conversation like “oh it’s such a shame you are so far away, I’d love you to come over for lunch and see xx child’s achievement etc” and similar. “Oh no, appliance needs changing… We’d love to pop over and help but given the journey won’t be able to come til <<distant future date>> can you manage til then?”.

My parents were very vocal when my gran reached about 75yo that she had to move, that her house was unsuitable etc…

When my parents moved (aged about 75yo), they then….. chose the most unsuitable house to get old in. Stairs, far away from shops (with a step slope too!) and in a different country (many reasons fir that). Which means no support network around them at all (I’m an only child….) All the stuff they were saying when my gran was that age? Gone out if the window…..
They somehow think they will stay mobile. That they’ll be able to drive forever (despite criticising another grand parents fir doing that). That buying the help they need will be enough (and thankfully they can-do that).
They’ve both told me that they dint see themselves as being 80yo. And yes they act as if they were still 40~50yo…

Will it work? Who knows but I’ve learnt to step back. I’m not going to convince them.
But I’ve also learnt not to take their well-being as MY responsibility. It will become that when they are struggling more to take decisions etc..l Until then, they choice, their responsibility.

I would imagine that those who move house when very old - most particularly when they didn't want to - are often going to be in very poor health (hence the forced move). So that statistic wouldn't necessarily put me off the idea of encouraging elderly parents to move.

I think one factor in the reluctance to move can be (often subtle) mental deterioration. Your brain becomes less adaptable and less able to learn new things and handle new environments. It's just harder to process unfamiliar information, at least until you get used to the "new normal." So people cling on to their old houses because adjusting to somewhere new seems genuinely difficult.

One of my friends mother's is now in her early 80's. Her mother lives in a large detached house with a garden. It's 2 or 3 miles away from the nearest shop.
It has a few villages and towns within a 10 mile redius.

A few years ago my friends mother was complaining that certain expensive jobs needed to be done in the house and a few other things.
My friend suggested that her mother sell the house and buy something smaller in town.
My friends mother made it very clear she was not going to do this.

So now a number of years later and my friend has seen her mother decline.
She is still driving but her slight has gotten worse and she may not get a driving license the next time she has to renew it. She has also some slight memory problems.
My friend has decided that she will help out when she can but is not going to be left to do it all. She has siblings and they are going to have to help out also.

My friend has seen several situations that with a bit of forward planning things could have been far easier on both the elderly parent/parents and adult children.

Just a note to say that it is your parents who should set up POAs for health, and for finances.

In fact, we all should. Over the years I've heard a fair few stories in which someone of working age went into a coma, or lost capacity in some other way, and their partner then had no access to the family money.

With my mum I told her we were going to the garden centre but instead took her to see a property near me that I thought might be the sort of place she might choose if she wanted to move near me. Initially she was shocked and a bit cross, but she got that I was just making sure she understood the options, and left her to think about it. (I knew if I suggested doing that she would say no).

Within a month or two she had decided to sell up and move near me.

It was not easy for her to leave the area she'd lived in from the first days of her marriage until she was over 90, and move 200 miles away. It was easier for her as all he peers were dead or had dementia, and she was really beginning to struggle without some practical help. But it was still tough. Your parents have each other, have a social life locally, and everything is familiar to them.

How about one of you sisters uprooting and moving to where they live? Shocked I should even suggest it? so why should they feel any differently?