Persuading parents to move from v unsuitable house

[Hilda41]

Hi, My parents are late 70s, they've always been healthy and indepently, but now my mum has lost mobility - rheumatism and osteoperosis and is struggling with mobility. I visit as often as I can, but it's a 3 hour drive away and my dc have SEN.

They live in a huge, old house which is basically falling apart and not future proofed at all. In the past they looked into installing a downstairs toilet, but this proved tricky. Loads of expensive repairs need doing. They also live in the middle of nowhere - on the outskirts of a tiny village in the countryside. It's full of clutter and stuff too, and there's a huge garden which is too much for them

We have talked for years about them moving, but they were always very resistant when they were fit and well, and in a way looking after the house and garden was a full time job that kept them active. Now it's way too much though for them as my mum can't do anything because of her back. They are not future planners at all and both lived in denial about getting older.

My sister and I live very close to each other, so it's a no brainer to move closer to us. It would be a huge transition though, and every year will get harder.

Does anyone have any tips / practical advice about helping them move? I think it's the only solution as getting regular care in would be tricky as they are so isolated.

My parents are in similar situation, but still very fit and active. Everyone here is correct, you can't make them move, and you can't TELL them anything.

But... you can have as many positive conversations around them about others who have moved and how its been great for them. You can talk about how others would have avoided the care home if they had moved or future-proofed sooner. You can wonder what their future selves would say if they could shout back from the Care-Home - "Move while you can" or "install all the ageing products you can NOW", etc.

I love the idea someone said about finding out how much the house is worth then hinting at what they could get somewhere else.

My parents won't move, so I'm getting them to future-proof at least. It's like pulling teeth though!

afutureathome.com

My parents moved a couple of years ago to a bungalow in a new location, brilliant local community and services and on a bus route.
They're late 70s and healthy and active and due to a small inheritance, were able to make that 'future proofing' move.
It'll make life so much easier for them and for us as they get older. It was their choice tho, and they're happier than ever.

We (my sister and i) moved my nan to our home town about 10 years ago. She previously lived a 45 minute drive away. Whilst she has never really forgiven us, even she can see that she would have had much, much less help had she stayed put. We realistically would have only seen her every other weekend as we work full time and both have kids. As it is, she sees one of us every day and we are a 5 min drive away in case of emergency. That's not to say she doesn't moan about being uprooted from 'her home' cos she certainly does....😉

Very wise words.

Jauki do you work in health or social care by any chance

It’s really difficult working out what is the best choice. You’re 80 years old, still living in your familiar home with your belongings around you, and friends nearby. Your DC want you to move nearer to-them, into a lovely little garden flat. You move. But you’ve had to get rid of half your furniture, and things you were keeping because they gave you comfort and security. You have to make a new set of friends - but how? The aids to friendship that you used before, such as volunteering, are no longer open to you, you’re a liability rather than a help. And you soon find out your DC, although willing to step in for emergencies, absolutely will not provide a social life,or even pick up the phone to answer your little daily problems.

Someone will say “so move in your 60s, when you still can make friends”. But you have maybe 30 years of life ahead of you. Will your DC still be living in the same area in 30 years or will you still have to uproot yourself again in your 80s?

Tricky! My parents are in a similar house, still fit and healthy right now, their plan for future years seems to be not getting old which is a dumb plan but what can you do?

Is the work that needs doing on the house going to have a health impact on them (damp from leaks etc?) I think you could sit them down and spell out what it will take to keep that house going and adapt it for mobility, and then go to see a more accessible alternative to see if they could imagine themselves there.

You also have to think about what happens when one of them dies - the house sounds bad for an elderly couple, even worse to live in alone. Maybe they don't want to think about that but you could have it in the back of your mind.

I'm with Jauki on this one too, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. In the end they're adults and this is their problem to solve. I've got a parent in a situation where relocating to live nearer to me is something that's being considered. But TBH, it's not simple and in some ways could make things worse. If she comes here she'll be living in an area she doesn't know, where she doesn't know anyone at all apart from me Yes, I would be closer than I am now if the worst happens, but her day to day existence right now could well be miserable. I can't be her daily social life for the next 10+ years.

Awful as it sounds, sometimes you've got to respect people's right to sort themselves out (or not) and you can't fix everything.

Its absolutely draining with elderly parents. I had this with one parent who passed last year and now the remaining parent who is fighting not to go into a care home but relies on me for almost everything. Who pretends everything is fine whilst getting me to do everything, finances, washing, legal bits, post etc.

They use emotional blackmail (and I dont use that term lightly). Has no issues in fibbing to get their own way not in an aggressive way but in a 'poor me, you are the only sibling in the UK' way and who else should they call etc etc.

I have now put boundaries in place. They will almost definitely be moving into a care home and if they refuse then social services can sort this. Parent has capacity but no plan whatsoever to live independently bar giving my number to everyone who contacts stating their daughter will sort it!