Caring for an angry, selfish parent, how do you cope?!!!!

[Longingforthesummer]

DD 90s on own, now no mobility, lung condition, carers in 4 times a day, family member here also inbetween to make sure all ok.

He is so angry which I get, but because...
He cant do as he used to be able to e.g. walk, go to the toilet on stairlift, make a cup of tea etc.he is so miserable, depressed and angry

Doesnt feel well alot of the time...which again I do all I can to make him comfy. Nurses, GP also perscribe meds yo help with aches and pains etc.

Very Achey as sat in chair most of day...got him.a recliner...after 3-4 days didnt want it

Just all round miserable and very un appreciative of everything we are trying to do to make him comfortable. Been going on now for 2 and a half months.

OT Got him.a special chair that has pressure cushions all around it...doesnt want it, wants old chair back. But je now has a pressure sore so has to stay in it.
He refused to be movedaround 3 times last week, so was in his chair from 8am until 4pm no movemwnt, carees cant enforce it, so no wonder he has a sore. You tell him this and he just says thats 'rubbish'.

Nothing is good enough, adament he wants to stay in his own home, he has capacity.

Sorry not sure what help or advice anyone can give, maybe I just needed to vent!!!

Im currently sat on tbe stairs as dont want to be in the same room as him as he just dismisses everything I suggest to help.

Yes he doesnt want hospital he has a Respect form in place and POA applied for and a DNR documented. It's in its final stages nearly registered.

Honestly, I would spend much less time with him and stop trying to be so helpful.

This sounds utterly unsympathetic to him, but it's not. At the moment you're assuming that your presence and your helpful suggestions are beneficial to him. You are a good daughter and you want to do what you can to make his situation better. But look at your post... everything in it seems to indicate that actually these things aren't helping him at all. In fact they're actively annoying him.

He is sick and old and his life sucks. There is pretty much nothing to be done about that. He has minimal tolerance for company or for anything else either. More or less anything you do will piss him off.

Visit less often and leave as soon as he gets nasty towards you - your presence is not benefiting him if it makes him angry. Nod along in sympathy at his complaints and agree that it's awful. Try not to suggest "solutions" - he can't cope with extra changes or tasks. Distract with other topics if possible.

Ultimately there is very, very little you can do for him.

Give yourself a break for a week. He has carers. Leave them to it. You need to be selfish and prioritise your wellbeing.

UPDATE
Yes I think Im going to limit my visits...or not spend the whole day there. It's too much. He's safe I know that and a majority of the carers are very good with him. Im going to start that from Monday.

Thank you for all your replies, but I do need to take abit of a step back...I just want him to be comfortable. Thanks again.

@Tillypet THIS IS SPOT ON!!!! You jave summed it up perfectly.

Honestly? You've just got to put up with it really or remove him from your life completely.

I went through exactly the same with my late Father (chuck in him being an alcoholic as well). Nothing you can say or do will make any difference. Being calm won't change things, being angry won't change things and will only give him something else to moan about.

If he's got mental capacity there's nothing anyone can do to make him go into a home if he doesn't want.

It's shit - nobody who hasn't lived through it will understand.

I so wanted to just walk away from him but in reality I couldn't. As much as he made mine and the carers life hell I could sort of understand that his life was worse.

I had a couple of years of this - when he died I hate to say it but I wasn't sad as I was just so relieved I never had to deal with the whole situation. That may sound heartless but it's so bloody draining fighting against someone who's had essentially given up.

Take care x

@LilacLemur Agree until you'ved live it, no one gets it. I dont feel sad so I understand what you mean, I did 10 years ago when illness took over him and I bent over backwards to make him have quality of life and get him better...no hope of that now, his body is packing up.

So sorry you are having to deal with this. I feel sorry for your Dad too. It's just an absolutely shitty situation. You aren't wrong to look after yourself too.

I hope you have friends and family around to support you and have a moan too.

I hope you don't feel guilty. If you do you shouldn't.

Sympathies OP, similar situation here. I was coaxed to stay over recently then disturbed at 2am with bitter screaming rants and ended up having to catch a taxi home early hours feeling very rattled.

It isn't easy to deal with.

Oh yes I've got one of these, absolutely awful. No judgement here whatsoever, am also feeling totally trapped and wishing it were all over one way or another. You definitely need to spend less time with him for your own sanity, hugs xx

Perhaps we should have a thread about how to detach!

It seems to be a constant stream of treats to cheer parent up but nothing is ever good enough and it's draining.

Sorry you are in this situation OP.
When I was caring for my dying mother, one of her friends came to visit, and i must have been looking at the end of my tether - she said something along the lines of “they get awkward and miserable, and that’s natures way of making it a blessing when they pass” much truth in it i think.

No, I don’t agree. I don’t think you can hold him to the same standards when he’s in the last months of his life, ill, and in pain. After all, we don’t hold women in childbirth to these standards, do we?

But you don’t have to let it overcome you, OP. Leave him to the carers if he’s being difficult. And the rest of the time, keep your emotional distance. Try to observe him coolly “he's having a bad day. He’s shouting and cursing” as if you were making notes on a laboratory experiment. If you find yourself listening to the content, just leave.

If he rejects your suggestions, just leave it. He may not want a solution, he may just be looking for a good vent.

What do you mean 'Oh give over!' Of course one brief argument isn't elder abuse. What I am saying is that the carers might not think it's only happened just the once. They might think it is a frequent occurrence and they have a duty of care towards the elderly person they are looking after.

Anyway, if you think that shouting at someone in their 90's is appropriate, then I will continue to disagree. I'm not disagreeing with the OP choosing to walk away from the situation, or indeed to firmly stand up for herself by telling him she won't stand for it any more. But getting angry and shouting at him? I wouldn't advocate that.