Caring for an angry, selfish parent, how do you cope?!!!!

[Longingforthesummer]

DD 90s on own, now no mobility, lung condition, carers in 4 times a day, family member here also inbetween to make sure all ok.

He is so angry which I get, but because...
He cant do as he used to be able to e.g. walk, go to the toilet on stairlift, make a cup of tea etc.he is so miserable, depressed and angry

Doesnt feel well alot of the time...which again I do all I can to make him comfy. Nurses, GP also perscribe meds yo help with aches and pains etc.

Very Achey as sat in chair most of day...got him.a recliner...after 3-4 days didnt want it

Just all round miserable and very un appreciative of everything we are trying to do to make him comfortable. Been going on now for 2 and a half months.

OT Got him.a special chair that has pressure cushions all around it...doesnt want it, wants old chair back. But je now has a pressure sore so has to stay in it.
He refused to be movedaround 3 times last week, so was in his chair from 8am until 4pm no movemwnt, carees cant enforce it, so no wonder he has a sore. You tell him this and he just says thats 'rubbish'.

Nothing is good enough, adament he wants to stay in his own home, he has capacity.

Sorry not sure what help or advice anyone can give, maybe I just needed to vent!!!

Im currently sat on tbe stairs as dont want to be in the same room as him as he just dismisses everything I suggest to help.

I think at 90 I'd just sit it out if its not a usual character trait. She sounds in pain, uncomfortable and pissed off. I'd hope someone was kind to me in my final years if I'd not been so my whole life.

I’d leave him to the carers and not go in very often.
When he gets to the point of needing care more often, or refusing care, you need to get a SS assessment.

I understand his feelings but I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms it's not in to be taking it out on you and that if he doesn't stop, you'll stop visiting. If that doesn't work, follow through with it. Also speak to him/his doctor or social worker, if you're in contact with them, about the possibility of antidepressants. He's in his 90's, this isn't a phase he's going to work through by himself or with a counsellor and come out the other side with acceptance of his situation. It's a shit situation that isn't going to change, he's in his final years, there's nothing wrong with a little chemical assistance to help him cope.

Thank you for the replies.
Ive suggested anti depressants nut he wont have them again dismisses it all.
Yes I talk to him calmly and say I understand and sympsthise but Im doung all I can to help make him comfy etc. Then I get I cant understand you, you're talking too much, go away etc.
GP said he only really will go downhill from here in her opinion he will just give up and gave him a couple of months to live. We are now 2 and a half months.

Todays a bad day, had no breakfast...that all he has cereal but refuses to have that today. I can see the decline and just have to ride it out Im sure

Yes I talk to him calmly and say I understand and sympsthise but Im doung all I can to help make him comfy etc. Then I get I cant understand you, you're talking too much, go away etc.

I'm suggesting you don't talk to him calmly. Let him see you lose your temper at the way he's treating you. You don't owe a rude person politeness. Being ill doesn't give him a right to treat you badly.

If he still has capacity and tells you to go away, then say "All right then" and just go.

stop enabling to stay in his own home if you are. Its not his choice if he needs so much help.

I'm not sure that the OP can lose her temper at him. It wouldn't turn out well if he then told the carers that his daughter was angry and shouting at him? She needs to remain calm and not lose it in front of him.

Sorry I disagree. So what if he tells people she's angry and shouting at him? Anyone would be angry at being treated badly. She doesn't have to put up with it just because he's old, just because he's ill or just because he's her dad. A short sharp shock might solve the problem. He's behaving this way because he can, because he thinks she'll tolerate it. It's worth a try before walking away from the shit show. Because that's her only other option if she doesn't want to be treated badly.

Absolutely this. Although I imagine the vast majority of people would 'prefer to stay at home', the fact is that they might be much more happy and comfortable elsewhere, and you'd be able to have a much more positive relationship with them for the remainder of their life.

What was he like before this, OP? When you were growing up?

And if he tells the carers and they report her to social services for elder abuse?

My relative died several months ago, and we had two years of looking after her in her own home with the help of carers. It is unbelievably frustrating and sometimes we felt like screaming, but you can't get angry and shout at someone in their 90's. You just can't.

I’m quite surprised at some of the replies on this thread, they seem to lack empathy. I’ve been in a similar situation with my MIL and my DF, who were both lovely people until their final months. Not being able to do basic things and self care, plus pain is really hard and can make people short tempered and downright nasty. Doctors can’t give accurate estimates of how long someone has left. Personally I’d say be kind when you are there to the extent that you can. With my DF I used to agree with him how awful everything had got. If it is too much for you to handle, and these situations are horrible, go less often. I found being there at the same time as the doctor every now and then helped as I got a bit more insight into how things were progressing and asked him about how to handle the nastiness and how normal it was. This helped me. And do talk to someone about this IRL if you can OP, you could swap coping strategies for example. Anyway good luck with it all.

We were told DMIL ( similar situation to you with carers and being angry) had dementia, along with other things, and she wouldn’t last long. She went another 7 years.

When I am with DM, who can be very nasty & bad tempered I try to bite my lip she's been like this all my life so I've had lots of practice. I've got very good at grey rocking: "Oh dear, that's a shame" etc.

Oh give over! One brief argument isn't "elder abuse". It's called standing up for yourself. If it doesn't work then she walks away and he really will have something to moan about then. He's only still getting his wish of remaining at home because OP is kindly facilitating it. He should be grateful for the time she gives up to care for him, not snapping at her just because he's pissed off.

Authorities are more likely to think carer burn out than elder abuse.

That is absolutely true.
One or two episodes of the OP answering him back might make him realize she's had enough of his grumbling.

Ah tried that but it makes it worse and I end up breaking down. So now I just walk away. He is past caring now and I really dont think he realises the impact.

I have to say hes 90 in constant pain and dying I think I might grumble poor chap. I am not a #bekind person but I honestly think in this situation its whats needed.

Not enabling him....as he is not at risk or a safeguarding problem he can live in his own home. Funding to a nursing or care home is not as easy as some people think. There is no pot of money for private care and funding isnt issued or even looked at unless there is a risk

I'm guessing COPD? Its honestly not uncommon in late stage COPD. Anxiety and panic over breathlessness is incredibly common and sadly can bring a temper to those who are just trying to help. My grandad lived on 24h oxygen for 5 years, he was about 6 stone and had multiple pressure sores and was horrible to everyone who came near him. Everytime he had an exacerbation he was taken to hospital and treated but took away a bit of his quality of life everytime.

If he has capacity he can decide if he wants to comply with guidance to pressure area care. If the risks are explained it is his decision. To be honest for him the breathless of lying flat is probably worse than the thought of having a pressure sore.

If he has very little quality of life I think the kindest thing you can do is to discuss what to happen if he becomes unwell. If he wants to be given symptom control and stay at home make sure he has an advanced care plan and decision around CPR in place and potentially medications in the house should he need them. Make sure that POA is in place in case things change re capacity.

Take a step back if you need to. He has carers 4 x a day, if he needs 24 hour care then living at home won't be an option and he will only see that if you aren't bridging the gap.

Are you sure he has capacity?

He's 90s, has lung cancer and eating a spoonful of cereal a day, refuses anything else. GP said no way he will be here by the end of the year.

It's a horrendous situation for both of you to be fair. My late MIL did go on antidepressants because she was very angry and knew just what to say to hurt the most. Could you have a private word with his doctor? Maybe they could persuade him to take antidepressants by saying they were for sleep or muscle relaxants. Some people have a hangup about taking antidepressants as they assume someone is insinuating they are "mad" by needing them.

Other than that, I'd suggest limiting your visits and making sure to mind your own mental health.