Maintaining boundaries over care

[Weal]

How have people maintained boundaries over how much care they are willing to provide for their parent?

my mother cares for my father full-time and I’ve always said I wouldn’t do much care for him. We have a terrible relationship and in all honesty I hate being near him. I’ve encouraged, very blunty, them to seek care help, because dad can’t be at home more than a couple of hours alone as he can’t get food/drink or toilet without help. They’ve consistently refused and I knew it would come to a point I was asked to help. Now they are asking for help tomorrow. I actually don’t mind helping for a few hours on one day. However my parents severely lack boundaries and over-step constantly so I know it will lead to more requests. I just plain am not willing to do anymore than once every couple of weeks. Do I just be honest and say that?!

I probably sound awful but I really do not like my father and he was not a good or kind person when I was growing up.

Help your DM get a acre needs assessment for your DH. You need to ask the local council. They can help with things like hand rails, ramps, wet rooms as well as carers if necessary.
I'd help tomorrow and make it a condition that they seek some support. Support will make your DM last longer.

Evidently can't spell care
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/help-from-social-services-and-charities/getting-a-needs-assessment/

This is what I was going to say. Your Mum is probably at breaking point. Contact adult services and getting the ball rolling for an assessment as soon as they agree.

They have an OT and have had an ASC assessment but have refused to have careers. My mum accesses a caters support group too. Sadly though, the one thing they really need….care support. They refuse.

They won’t agree. They both refuse to have carers. We have had the conversation a lot and o have attended appointments and things with them, but they have capacity so it is their choice still.

Yes.
Their choice.
So their problem.

I would do this one to help out your DM, i would say about 50 tomes that i could only do this once a fortnight, and I would nag, nag, nag until it's less unbearable to get carers than to listen to it.

I was going to suggest nagging also.

An awful scenario I have seen more than once is, less able parent has fall (unhurt just can't get off floor), other parents falls trying to lift them and wham, broken hip. Two parents off to two different institutions, just like that.

You can grey rock "you say you don't need a carer so you don't ask me to be one"

This. It sounds awful until you realise that they have chosen the situation they are in.

Everything you step in that reassures them that they don't need careers.

You need firm boundaries, you need reinforced boundaries when SS get involved.

Thank you all for advice. It’s so hard. In my heart I know they won’t accept care until there is an emergency. Sadly this is how they manage all aspects of their lives (finances/cars etc)…ignore it until it’s a massive issue that you can’t avoid.

I am going to help out this weekend because I’ve set in my head I will help, but I won’t be doing it regularly.

a few weeks ago my dad said “I’ll probably outlive your mum”. I asked if he had any plans for managing alone…he said “I’ll be alright”. Asked him how when he needs support to get out of bed, get dressed, move from bed to wheelchair, make food etc. his reply “I’ll order food in”. He just won’t hear that he needs care. So frustrating.

That's because he doesn't need careers at the moment, because he has your mum. Caring is insidious, neither realises until one is removed from the situation.

Good luck this weekend, talk, to people irl or us on here. It's hard, thankless and often lonely being the voice in a situation like this.

He'll only outlive your mum because catering for his needs will kill her off early.

Nag, one of them will have a weak spot. Can they get a cleaner who does a little extra?

This sounds so hard and I have been in a similar situation with an elderly relative needing and refusing care. Relative is wealthy and could easily afford private care but just refuses. What I've had to do is completely step back. It's their decision at the end of the day. I am not a carer and refuse to have it pushed on me with emotional blackmail. I will now only visit with DH and we just sit and nod when relative starts on about how hard things are. Occasionally we will remind them that they don't need to be in that position but it falls on deaf ears. At some point a crisis will happen and then I suspect they will be forced to get help. I used to feel very guilty about this but I have to tell myself over and over, this is their choice.

So glad you asked this question OP. I’ve been meaning to ask this for a while. Been trying to do as much as is expected which is flawed as elderly parent has no insight into how this impacts on me.
Making a conscious effort to allocate more time to myself and to limit how far in to their problems I am drawn.
No boundaries, no life.

@mulesrules very true. It is their choice. I will try to keep telling myself that.

Its awful bit looking forward i dread the thought of one of them dying. Not just because of the loss but because I know there is going to be an awful
amount of work to do. God only knows what will happen if mum goes first. They have no care for dad at all, he knows nothing about their finances and despite me repeatedly asking mum to write a list of their accounts/policies/facilities etc she still hasn’t. No funeral plans and no spare savings at all. No plan for care long term.
only saving grace is they don’t own their own home or have any significant assets that will need to be sorted.

Agree with this. Often the carer who is supposed to be the healthy one dies first due to stress and exhaustion and often depression too I think,

Happened with my parents. Dad far healthier than mum. Died first.
Mum with heart failure plus a whole load of other things currently living on and on and on and making utter misery for anyone who has been daft enough to get tangled up in it. Once you are in getting out is almost impossible it seems.

I have parents that sounds like yours - no boundries. Don't do it. I mean it. You will get sucked in and before you know it you will be ill all the time, depressed, resentful, angry and spend each day praying the fucker will die. They won't though. They will go on and on and on. I speak from personal experience.
Social services will literally stand back and let you be suicidal and tell you to 'carry on' - again personal experience.

And don't feel bad. He was a bad parent you say. Don't let him steal the life you have now.

Sorry to hear you are in a difficult situation @Noelcansing . Have you been helping provide care. Absolutely you need to have boundaries and keep some of your own life going. I have 2 primary age children and a job too, caring for an elderly parent on top of that just wouldn’t work, even without the added extras of having an awful
relationship with them.

Oh lord. I feel this is how it will
play out with my parents. I see my
mum aging a lot and the care takings it’s toll. All the while he is fairly rude and vile to her too. Generally just vile and unkind about everyone. Again it sounds awful, but I wonder what the point I sometimes. He hates life, hates everyone, doesn’t like doing anything and does as little as possible. People always ask if it’s dementia or an old age thing, but no he’s been like this since I can remember. His disability is basically a result of not looking after himself and doing nothing (and I mean literally sitting in a chair all day even when he could walk). Just such an awful way to live.

And the other thing is these types of parents believe they are 'no bother' and 'what are you making such a fuss about when you hardly do anything'

Usually said after you have just done their shopping, called a plumber, renewed their house insurance, ordered more incontinence products, went to pharmacy because they didn't answer door to the delivery service, done their washing, paid their community alarm bill, made their lunch, took them to dentist, cut their toenails, listened to their constant worries and crying, crawled home to your bed and hoped that you didn't wake up tomorrow.

Except you didn't get a full nights rest because in the middle of the night your phone rang to tell you she had fallen again and could you come and help her because 'really what daughter would mind helping her elderly helpless parent just this once'
If you try to say no this answer will be unacceptable and will result in emotional blackmail guilting, swearing, telling anyone who will listen what a shit useless daughter you always have been.

Seriously first they will be grateful (for about a week), then they will expect it, then they will expect more and more and more and before long you will be exhausted and ill and hate their fucking guts. Don't do it. Seriously.

p.s. You don't sound awful at all. You sound like you know what is going to happen and you are terrified.

@Weal Been doing all shopping, making meals, cleaning, taking to appointments, putting the rubbish out, prompting and checking on when I’m not there. Doesn’t live locally so once the food shop and the journey there and back are factored in, all he sees are the few hours I spend with him, but for me it’s almost the whole day gone. I work full time but my children are grown up now. I couldn’t have done it with primary age children though.

@Poochypaws , re dying first, this is my fear and my children have only got me. Also, feel that running up and down the motorway is an added risk.

I thought my life would begin when my children went off to university but this could go on for years. I’m not far off 60. It’s quite isolating. Hence, better boundaries and expectations needed.

When I do take him to appointments, it’s
all very odd. After the stress, effort and forward planning to ensure he attends safely and on time, person centred care means I might as well be the walking stick or the walker, completely invisible 😂.

@Poochypaws sounds like you’ve had a massively hard time managing your own elderly family member who is not a nice person. Honestly in real life I don’t hear people talking about this aspect of caring. Although sad it’s also helpful to hear experiences of people who have been there already.

@Noelcansing yep I bet it is sad to not get that time of independence without having someone to care for. Hard not to feel short changed. I always thought there would be a gap between caring for children and caring for parents.

I have only a brother too, but he won’t do anything to help because he loves far away and hugely hates our parents. They both have big families with lots of siblings but aren’t close to any of them….you think they’d see a pattern of no one wanting to be near them wouldn’t you?’

I completely agree with @Poochypaws . If your mum does go first their lack of planning is not your issue. You contact SS and inform them but say you have no role and will not help. Not once not ever.