Maintaining boundaries over care

[Weal]

How have people maintained boundaries over how much care they are willing to provide for their parent?

my mother cares for my father full-time and I’ve always said I wouldn’t do much care for him. We have a terrible relationship and in all honesty I hate being near him. I’ve encouraged, very blunty, them to seek care help, because dad can’t be at home more than a couple of hours alone as he can’t get food/drink or toilet without help. They’ve consistently refused and I knew it would come to a point I was asked to help. Now they are asking for help tomorrow. I actually don’t mind helping for a few hours on one day. However my parents severely lack boundaries and over-step constantly so I know it will lead to more requests. I just plain am not willing to do anymore than once every couple of weeks. Do I just be honest and say that?!

I probably sound awful but I really do not like my father and he was not a good or kind person when I was growing up.

Be really careful about boundaries and not setting up expectations by doing something once and it then becomes a habit.

I've found grey rock a useful technique - somebody on here told me about it.

I have a strained relation with my Mum for a variety of reasons. I have moved closer to her (2-3 hours away rather than 5-6 hours ) and I have no intention of ever living any closer to her. Thankfully I live in an expensive area so I don't think she'd be able to afford to move closer to me. I see her 3-4 times a year and I'll speak to her weekly on the phone but I'm not doing more than that.

It is difficult when there's a crisis and everyone expects you to be the one to drop everything and deal with it. But a male friend pointed out to me you don't need to do that (why does it seem to be so much harder for women?!). And I remind myself that she has choices in how she's behaved, where she's chosen to live etc.

Good luck!

If it helps, use phrases like “I have an appointment “ “I have a meeting” (even if the appointment is only with a cup of coffee and a book). You don’t have to elaborate, f they try to find more just say “it’s important, I can’t rearrange it”.

Think about what you’re prepared to do. If it can be outsourced, outsource it. For example, you may want to accompany to a medical appointment to find out what’s happening, but there’s no need to accompany to a blood test or scan. Gardening, cleaning, cutting toenails can be outsourced - if they don’t want to, that’s their lookout, it’s not for you to bail them out. Helping with decision making, finance’s probably can’t.

You could say you want to be a daughter not a carer. But that won’t work if their idea of a daughter is to be a carer.

Can you contact a social worker on their behalf? It can take a while to get services in place can take a while. My mum waited too long to get assistance and had to go into a nursing home. I would help your mum once and say you won’t help again until she sorts a carer.

They’ve had a social care assessment already and refuse carers. I wasn’t able to have an opinion because they have capacity to make decisions themselves.

Honestly you just need to grey rock.

You are entitled to have funded carers, I'm not doing whilst you have other options.

Rinse and repeat.

Then you need to say if they won’t accept any other outside help then you’re not willing to help.

Can you try to get them to accept a cleaner as an introduction to having someone come into their house.

@Caravanvirgin that is a good suggestion. I might work on that.

I think your right I have to not help beyond what I want and refer them back to getting in carers I’d they need more support.

It’s just so frustrating. What’s annoyed me more is my mum saying “oh do you want to come and spend some time with dad while I’m out”…..erm no you mean do I want to come toilet him, cook for him, etc. Also asking as if it’s optional when in reality either I come or mum can’t go to the thing she wants to attend. It’s bizarre.

If your Dad was not kind to you growing up then don't you dare feel bad now OP. Sounds like they bury their heads in the sand and won't accept support from a carer. I'd keep reminding them that they had the option of a carer but didn't want one.

Perhaps you should reply, no I don't want to come and be Dad's carer, it's degrading for both of us.

Don't do it, not even once and certainly not a loose "every two weeks"

@weal have you said to her that you understand from what she's saying that your Dad needs care or she can't go out, and that you're really happy to organise the carers for that?

I found getting a lot blunter, a lot more repetitive, and being the 'bossy daughter' was the only way. Not rude but direct. It doesn't feel very nice or very culturally appropriate- in the UK the culture is to be indirect and to expect your circle to do things without you having to ask - but if you're not going to play that role (and why should you) then you need to crash through a few of those barriers.

Oh and the other cultural barrier is of course the pretence that you're doing what you want for someone else's benefit. Like she goes out if it means that you 'get to spend some time' with your dad. But thats not what's happening, she's going out for herself and that's absolutely right that she should.

Have you considered going no-contact? I would. If you say no with your actions, by ceasing to provide care and by getting a new phone number/turning it off/not answering, SS will step in. You can have your life back from tomorrow. You don't have to live like this 💐 You don't deserve abuse of any kind and you don't have to give your time and energy to abusive people like your relative. Going NC to avoid abuse doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you a sensible one.

OP you don't need to sort anything out when one of them dies. If they choose not to help themselves now, you can choose to leave them to stew in the mess of their own making later. It really isn't your responsibility. I wouldn't do care every two weeks, that is "regularly", which you said you wouldn't be doing. It also is care provision, which you also said you wouldn't be doing. You don't have to do anything to have your boundaries, they're yours already just as soon as you've decided them. Your only job is to prevent others trampling on them and all you need for that is the word "no", repeated as often as necessary, together with the action of walking away from someone who won't respect you and accept your "no" and who keeps asking.

Gardening, cleaning, cutting toenails can be outsourced - if they don’t want to, that’s their lookout, it’s not for you to bail them out. Helping with decision making, finance’s probably can’t.

It totally can. What do you think happens to people with no family to sort finances etc? SS step in, either a SW can do it themselves or they can refer to a tenancy support agency if suitable, to help them stay in their own home. At some point the amount of care and support someone needs, residential care becomes the only practical solution.

What do you think happens to people with no family to sort finances etc? I think finances get sorted in a way that doesn’t match their wishes.

I thought my life would begin when my children went off to university but this could go on for years
Unfortunately they had also put that date in their calendar as the time when their lives would improve because you would be available to help them now that your children were off your hands . . .
I think people just get more blinkered as they get older, they only see their own needs and the tunnel vision just increases . . .

As previously said, you can use the line, “You’ve turned down carers because you’ve said you don’t need them, so why are you asking for care from me?”

Sadly it seems that a crisis has to happen before help is taken.

To be honest, although social services will ask about people's wishes it isn't necessarily the priority. They have to make a decision that takes into account the person's capacity to make decisions and what is in the best interest of the vulnerable person.

If that matches their wishes, great. But if a person wishes to be carried up to the toilet by their 85 year old spouse because they don't want carers or to use a commode...

You asked me about finances and that was what I was responding to. I imagine social services won't continue, eg, to make small payments to charity even if it is well within the person's means, whereas family can make the decision "he's 97 years old, and has enough savings to fund 19 years of care, so he can afford to continue giving his £10 a month to his favourite charity".

I think people just get more blinkered as they get older, they only see their own needs and the tunnel vision just increases . . .

I think it's common to all ages that the higher your own needs, the more difficult it is to have the mind space to consider other people's needs.

Also, if you have a partner, it's hard to realise just how much you use them as a sounding board, and how difficult it is for an elderly parent when they have no-one to have a 5 minute conversation with over something they're planning to do or to buy. DH has a life limiting condition, and I've been practising being more self reliant. Can't do up this zip, or this fiddly clasp of a necklace? Tough, your on your own. Computer not waking up? Work it out yourself. Doesn't mean to say that, in the future, I should expect DC to drop everything to help, but I can understand why elderly people should seek DC help for all those problems that would take DC a minute to solve (not counting the 50 minute drive to do so) and which you can't get a tradesman to deal with.

so glad i read this thread, i needed to hear this

Oh Poochy. I so agree.