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Elderly parents
Original poster

Mum living with us is ruining my mental health

101 replies

LedgeHovering · 13/07/2023 11:48

Desperately need some tips for living with my DM (71) as I feel like I am slowly going mad.
After my dad died four years ago, DM decided to move in with me and my two DCs (15 & 11) when we moved to a different town.
Over the two years since, she has systematically taken over the household - is very territorial about cleaning and other household jobs, doesn’t take any responsibility for bills, shopping, issues with the house itself, etc.
She interferes with my relationship with my children, giving them her permission to things I’ve said no to (or vice Verda) and has no sense of boundaries - wandering freely into all our bedrooms, etc.
She is dirty - doesn’t check that the bathroom / toilet / kitchen is clean after she’s used it, for example - and doesn’t respect my attempts to live more thoughtfully in terms of the environment (scoffs at reusable products and buys various duplicates of plastic heavy products, has no concept of saving energy)
All sorts of other small, perhaps some would see as petty differences, but the truth is, I hate her living here and it is making me ill.
What on Earth do I do? My two siblings take no care or responsibility for her, and I feel so alone with it all.

OP posts:
MariaVT65 · 03/08/2023 13:49

Jesus Christ you haven’t even got your own bedroom! Turf her out! I was going to say she’s lucky you have a spare bedroom for her! I wouldn’t even consider moving my mum in if I didn’t have a proper bedroom for everyone (which I currently wouldn’t)

Hoppinggreen · 03/08/2023 13:53

Well you can either put up with it or be the bad guy.
It would be a much better example to your DC if you were able to show them how to have boundaries and assert them but after all these years it won’t be easy.

Jujubes5 · 03/08/2023 13:59

You’ll probably be posting here in 10 years saying your DC have horrible bullying partners and you don’t know why they put up with it when it makes them unhappy. Because that is what you are teaching them.

OriginalUsername2 · 03/08/2023 14:29

I can’t think of any practical way to solve this. But what stands out is the dynamics. Your mum has created a dynamic where you do what she wants in case she makes you out to be mean to others. Who are these people she plays the victim to? Can you bring yourself not to care or to do a breezy laugh and eye-roll with a little head shake and say things like “my mum, god love her, she does tell some fibs!”

ArthurPoppy · 03/08/2023 17:57

Tell her the set up is effecting your mental health and so you’ll need her to leave. She can put herself on council housing list which will have more weight if you write stating she’s about to be made homeless from a specific date.

squirelnutkin11 · 03/08/2023 18:14

Op as someone who has both parents living with me one with Dementia please take the following on board;

you are not responsible for your mum...please take this in.

You ARE responsible for your children and this is affecting them negatively.

She needs to be in sheltered housing away from your family home, find a way to make this happen if you can. She is not very old or ill.

Prioritise you and most importantly your children it is their home.

My situation is different as my parents are 89 and live in their own flat attached.
I have had to put in very clear boundaries, l do NOT do caring for my mum, l do financials, medication, organising food deliveries, ( not cooking for them) and oversee carers.
Even that has a huge impact but l feel l can, as they are not in my space, except the hallway and garden, which is huge as we are rural.

My dc hated it when we first moved in, as we were all eating dinner together and they wanted desperately to have just us.....so l changed things after covid.

Carers come for mum now 5 long days a week (8 till 6 pm) my DF does weekends.

I have had to face the fact it would have killed me to be a carer, and face the fact my Dc have to come first, and make peace with it.

If you leave this and your DM gets ill or Dementia moving her will be impossible....please do it now. Let go of the guilt. Good luck.

Redburnett · 05/08/2023 18:37

She is obviously capable of living independently so that is what she should do. It is not clear why you accepted a perfectly healthy 60 something year old moving in with you - that was the big mistake, as it is much harder to force someone to move out, but that is what you need to do. Help her find a place to buy or rent according to her means.

Original poster
LedgeHovering · 23/08/2023 23:14

An update:
I’ve made the decision to move. My 4-year relationship ended as there was no feasible way for us to move forward.
The children very much want to move closer to my brother and his family, which is something I’ve longed to do as well - they live by the coast in a beautiful part of the country.
I’ve told my mum this is what we are doing, and have said that I will help her find somewhere else to live - whether that be in the new area or here - I’ve left it with her to decide.
She is very upset, which I understand - but I was very gentle in my explanation - yet firm enough that she knows I am serious. I also closed off her objections by pointing out that my siblings have been allowed to live their lives as they wish, and that it is my turn to do so as well.

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 23/08/2023 23:15

Well done Op - good luck

ImNotWorthy · 23/08/2023 23:30

Thank God you've made that decision.

I'm the same age as your mum. I divorced an Ex who was always in the house, so I had no space; since then I have lived on my own, and even when I met my Lovely Man (at the age of 60) we agreed immediately that we could never live together. Now I live happily on my own, luckily I am physically in good shape, and have enough to live on. I am not really cut out for sharing accommodation, I have come to realise...

A friend of mine, of a similar age and with mobility problems, moved last year into a block of flats which has a warden on duty in the morning. I imagine my friend lives on her State Pension, topped up by Pension Credit, plus Housing Benefit or whatever it's called these days, and any sickness or disability benefits she's been awarded.

I hope this is of some help.

determinedtomakethiswork · 23/08/2023 23:44

You are very very brave. Well done. I'm sure she won't be happy but then you're not happy the way it is anyway.

Do you think your relationship would have survived if you hadn't been living with her?

Roselilly36 · 24/08/2023 04:19

Well done OP, you need to do what’s right for you and your children. Very best wishes going forward Flowers

Wallywobbles · 24/08/2023 07:30

Gosh well done. Great update.

userxx · 24/08/2023 12:56

Brilliant update, it's time to start living your life again.

MrsSkylerWhite · 24/08/2023 12:59

She decided to move in with you? What? Did you have no say?

Agree with others, a straightforward this isn’t working for me and a timetable for finding her alternative accommodation, with your assistance to move things along.

71 is no age now. You can’t tolerate this for 20 plus years.

cheezncrackers · 24/08/2023 13:03

Wow - well done OP! Hope you manage to find a place to move too soon so you can move on with your life and get your DM out of your house once and for all. I think you've been a saint putting up with such nonsense for so long Flowers

DragonFly98 · 24/08/2023 13:23

Nanna50 · 13/07/2023 18:27

She doesn’t have to go through the council she can apply for sheltered accommodation without being homeless. She can apply for pension credit which will be generous, especially if living on her own, she can have help with rent and council tax.

I think the financials will be the easy part, you need to have the courage to say she needs to go AND you need to make sure that you don’t then run yourself ragged caring for her from a distance. Maybe she can find housing near one of your siblings.

She won't qualify for pension credit with a private pension but she won't need it. Housing benefit, pip a small private pension plus state pension are enough to live alone.

Isthiscorrect · 24/08/2023 13:39

Ok. It appears having grown up with being to blame for all your mums problems you don't have the mental capacity to challenge her hence the fact she moved in and appropriated the main bedroom.
Get yourself a therapist so you can handle this going forward. Start spending her money. As a pp said it's £2kpw for a care home. Then get to the local council/ citizens advice/ social worker and check exactly what benefits she is entitled to and what options there are for her to move to.
Go back and read your posts in one you say she complains to anyone she can. But she doesn't go out. So to whom is she complaining? You, your kids and your siblings. So you all know the truth. Ignore her. Easier said than done for sure. But this is why you need therapy to build your resilience. This is of paramount importance.
YOU CAN DO THIS. Mumsnet is here for you to vent to and ask for advice.

CaffeineAndCrochet · 24/08/2023 14:25

Well done, OP. Save your last post and read it back to yourself any time you start to waver in your decision. You are doing the right thing for you and your children.

Crikeyalmighty · 24/08/2023 14:35

@LedgeHovering a wise move. Often a change in situation can force things to the top of discussion and your mum needs to get a life she can enjoy that isn't just being part of yours. She needs some company besides your family too- that's not healthy for her(or you) Also if you have her to stay I would limit it to 4 or 5 dayers at a time and plan for nice things to do. She should actually be very high up the list in this situation for over 55 accommodation- there are also some private companies as well as council and HA that do this- a lot of it is very expensive but some companies such as Girlings have more modestly priced places.

jackstini · 24/08/2023 17:58

What a fab update - so pleased for you

I know it won't be an easy few months, but the years ahead will be sooo worth it!

Mum5net · 24/08/2023 18:47

Sorry to hear OP your four year relationship ended. Hopefully, a move to the coast will improve your quality of life and bring new opportunities.
However, well done on navigating a solution and unveiling it to your DM. Yours is a real uplifting update which must have been incredibly tiring and bruising along the way. Respect to you. Hope to hear more updates.

MereDintofPandiculation · 25/08/2023 10:00

71 is no age now. You can’t tolerate this for 20 plus years. I wouldn’t say 71 “is no age”, but it’s true that you may have 20 years ahead. They reckon women spend the last 25 years in ill-health (high blood pressure, thyroid etc) so it if you’re planning on living till 90, declining health can be expected to set in by 70.

Agreed that in the normal course of things, a 71 year old should be more than capable of looking after themselves

billy1966 · 27/08/2023 14:56

OP, it sounds awful for you but you have been reared and conditioned by her.

Your children deserve better than this.

She has no right to be a blight on their lives by the way she bullys you.

Glad to read you are moving.

Under any circumstances do not allow her to move in with you.

Put your children first.

AcclimDD · 27/08/2023 18:01

Good update OP-make sure you follow through.

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