Mum living with us is ruining my mental health

[LedgeHovering]

Desperately need some tips for living with my DM (71) as I feel like I am slowly going mad.
After my dad died four years ago, DM decided to move in with me and my two DCs (15 & 11) when we moved to a different town.
Over the two years since, she has systematically taken over the household - is very territorial about cleaning and other household jobs, doesn’t take any responsibility for bills, shopping, issues with the house itself, etc.
She interferes with my relationship with my children, giving them her permission to things I’ve said no to (or vice Verda) and has no sense of boundaries - wandering freely into all our bedrooms, etc.
She is dirty - doesn’t check that the bathroom / toilet / kitchen is clean after she’s used it, for example - and doesn’t respect my attempts to live more thoughtfully in terms of the environment (scoffs at reusable products and buys various duplicates of plastic heavy products, has no concept of saving energy)
All sorts of other small, perhaps some would see as petty differences, but the truth is, I hate her living here and it is making me ill.
What on Earth do I do? My two siblings take no care or responsibility for her, and I feel so alone with it all.

She is in your bedroom 😳 get her out OP. You clearly are not resilient enough to handle her.

Talk to the homeless housing officer and get something sorted asap. You are not her help or her entertainment. It is completely out of order and I hope not the life you dad would want for you. And if you do get her out you need to create some space between you.

Limit interaction to 1 night a week (by prior agreement) or whatever you are comfort with. You need to be living for you, you are not even done raising your DC

And also please get some counselling. This woman has been walking over you and guilting you her whole life. It's like a Catherine Cookson novel.

Move house. Downsize whatever you have to do to get your life back.

i think the best thing having read all your posts might be to take more money from your mum for rent/bills to properly cover her. Then invest in counselling for you to unpick your family relationships to enable you to get out of this situation. You’ve clearly been a scapegoat in the family (your mums disabilities are definitely very much NOT your fault and it’s not ok that you’ve been her career since 10).

Also maybe look into private rental of a sheltered living room/flat of some sort and whether she’d receive housing benefit for that?

I'm the same age as your Mum and I couldn't think of anything worse than living with any of my children as much as I adore them. If she's fit and healthy I would suggest she makes other arrangements although I guess if she only has her pension that might not be easy. You need to talk to her at the very least.

Move to a smaller house.

Tell DM she is not able to move with you.

Inform the council that they need to house her.

In the meantime put locks on yours and your kids doors.

You need your life back. Her behaviour is not going to change but probably get worse. Get her on a council list, speak to as many local authorities groups as possible. Make her homeless (on paper). I really don’t want you to have to continue living this way, sounds dreadful!!

I was about to suggest the exact same thing.

But also - seek some therapy to find your anger and give you confideence to set reasonable boundaries. It will be very, very scary , but you need to do it. Show your dcs how to be a strong individual who is not exploites or abused - by learning to be that person.

I’m sorry that you’re going through this, OP.

Your mother may never have had any dealings with finances. Perhaps your father did all this throughout their marriage? It wasn’t uncommon for men to have the control of finances in older generations. Are you able to set up direct debits or online banking to do this?

Has she always been clumsy or prone to breaking things? Is there something physical causing this? Does she get her eyesight checked annually?

I hope you can get alternate housing sorted for your mother. You may need to evict her to achieve this though.

Ok op, I will bow out now as I always find these threads upsetting.

It's clear your first step needs to actually be counselling to help you make small steps towards asserting yourself.

Good luck with it all

OP you say your mum gets PIP and a small private pension, I take it she also has a state pension? She should be able to afford somewhere. There is a website called entitledto.co.uk for you to work out what money she should get. Are you rural is that why theres a shortage of places to rent? Everyone needs their own space and youve put up with this a long time. I would set a deadline of say October and say to her we need to move to a permanent arrangement as this was never anything other than temporary, but you will help her to move. But before that conversation have a look at any housing association nearby and the Council and explain the situation. Even gumtree ive seen private lets on there. There was another thread on here recently about a couple that lived with their daughter and settled in and were supposed to look for their own accommodation but didnt. She did get them to move out, possibly someone else will have a link to it, she was worried about having the conversation, which tbh will be hard, but living like this is not on for you or your kids. Think of them if not for yourself as you say they dont bring friends over because of your mum. It seems a similar situation in that she doesnt seem to realise that this living arrangement isnt good for you. Will your sister help you get her moved into her own home? If she wont that would make me even more determined that I wasnt putting up with it. Also shes too young to be doing this to you. Find what her rights are re money and then find suitable places and then tell her she has to pick. If she doesnt like it she may suddenly go to your sister, let her. If a friend was in this situation what would you tell them? Do that, you want your lovely house back without your possessions being trashed and you are entitled to that.

Yeah I was going to suggest selling up and downsizing to essentially make her « homeless ». Inform the council you cannot house her and get them to find something for her. As a homeless elderly woman she will be prioritised.

Yeah this isn’t ok OP. You need to take some serious action to get her out your home.

You need some advice regarding re-homing her. Perhaps Shelter, or one of the charities for older people could help you find a solution. Are there any almshouses in your area or near to your siblings that could offer help? Clearly she can't stay with you, she's affecting your mental well-being, your children's lives, and she's not happy herself either.

Can you get her out of the house temporarily - send her off to one of your siblings for a week or two to give you space and time to seek support, move back into your rightful bedroom, and just have a bit of time away from her? Don't take no for an answer from either your mother or your siblings. They need to step up and take a turn. Tell them you're away and that's why you need their help, make them feel guilty for dropping all the burden on you, basically anything to get her out of your house and give to time to sort things.

Personally, I'd get her out and then refuse to let them bring her back. Make her homeless then let the council sort her out with accommodation. You need to act now, before you're dragged so far down with your situation that you can no longer act.

Sheltered housing flats are readily available from the council/ HA - genuinely the only stock that is. Start the process today to obtain one and move her out!

She definitely needs a full benefits check as she should be entitled to some state pension and possibly also pension credit. And housing on top uf she rents.

You could speak to Age U.K. for advice?

How did you allow her to "decide" to move in with you? Did you have no say in the matter?

Quite honestly I'd tell her you've decided it isn't working and she needs to make plans to move out.

I agree with all that has been said, but the things that upsets me the most is that she is ruining your children’s lives. You might be able to accept/be unwilling to change the fact that she’s ruining YOUR life, but for goodness sake get a grip for your children.

Move her room, and start looking for alternative accomodation for her, she doesn’t need savings, she needs somewhere else to live

You don't event have to move. Put your house on the market and tell the council they need to house her, you have found a smaller place. Tell her with cost of living you can't do it anymore and the kids come first. How she cane me claiming her back and then pick the upstairs room. She will say anything to get her way.

I think the reality is OP that she's not going to suddenly have an epiphany and realise she's being unreasonable in her behaviour. She clearly feels completely entitled to dictate to you how things should be and a dynamic has developed whereby you don't feel able to assert your own wants or needs (or those of your children) when it comes to your mother.

I suspect you will need some input from a counsellor or similar to enable you to change that dynamic and prioritise yourself and your children. There will definitely be alternative housing options for your mum but you're going to have to drive the change and that will mean asserting yourself and your mum will no doubt try to get you to back down as that's what she's always done, and it has worked.

Can you access counselling? Does your employer have an employee assistance programme? If so, that might be a good place to start. You can also take some practical steps like contacting Age U.K. and CAB so you have a better idea of the options and process even if you don't broach it with your mum just yet.

Good luck!

She needs to move out OP.

She needs to claim housing benefit, pension credit, single person council tax discount, attendance allowance, winter fuel allowance. All the things she's entitled to. She needs to present to the council and they will house her. You may need to write a letter saying she's being evicted. But they will house her.

You see, this is the sort of comment made by someone who has financial choices in life. There’s a huge underbelly of people who don’t have this luxury. I’m not saying this is the case for the OP’s mum but it isn’t always possible.

I get the feeling that to get her out you are going to have to go down the legal eviction route before the council will be interested

She sounds unbearable.

My worry is that your children will decide to leave home before they really want to so they can get away from this, and that they then won't visit.

Use that to motivate you and learn how to 'grey rock' when she protests or your future sounds fecking awful (and the present is pretty crap too, in a husband this would be seen as abuse).

Which are you going to prioritise OP, your mum being happy or you and your two kids being happy? Why is one persons happiness more important that three peoples happiness?
You need to talk to someone about making her homeless and what her options will be when you do. Don't be guilted and emotionally blackmailed into living like this OP.