Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Elderly parents
Original poster

Mum living with us is ruining my mental health

101 replies

LedgeHovering · 13/07/2023 11:48

Desperately need some tips for living with my DM (71) as I feel like I am slowly going mad.
After my dad died four years ago, DM decided to move in with me and my two DCs (15 & 11) when we moved to a different town.
Over the two years since, she has systematically taken over the household - is very territorial about cleaning and other household jobs, doesn’t take any responsibility for bills, shopping, issues with the house itself, etc.
She interferes with my relationship with my children, giving them her permission to things I’ve said no to (or vice Verda) and has no sense of boundaries - wandering freely into all our bedrooms, etc.
She is dirty - doesn’t check that the bathroom / toilet / kitchen is clean after she’s used it, for example - and doesn’t respect my attempts to live more thoughtfully in terms of the environment (scoffs at reusable products and buys various duplicates of plastic heavy products, has no concept of saving energy)
All sorts of other small, perhaps some would see as petty differences, but the truth is, I hate her living here and it is making me ill.
What on Earth do I do? My two siblings take no care or responsibility for her, and I feel so alone with it all.

OP posts:
uncomfortablydumb53 · 13/07/2023 17:34

She may be rehoused due to " family breakdown" as she is on a low income so don't feel you have to tolerate her behaviour
You have gone above and beyond by providing mobility aids and adaptions for her, which is very kind of you
As she is being so unreasonable I think you need to prioritise both yours and your DC's needs as this really will impact you all
I know he's sadly passed, but they were both unreasonable not to plan for housing after his retirement

Theloosegoose · 13/07/2023 17:34

Shes 71 years young, she should be standing on her own two feet.

She "decided" to live with you. But you must have also decided her to move in.yiu both sound enmeshed tbh.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 13/07/2023 17:35

Forgot to say contact adult services at your local council
I really feel for you( similar situation with my own DM and small DC's years ago)

Acornsoup · 13/07/2023 17:37

She may even like where she ends up or moan about it just as much as she does your house. At least you won't have to listen to it every day. Imagine a future with just you and your DC and start taking positive steps towards getting there. Don't bother with the bedroom swap - just get her out.

cestlavielife · 13/07/2023 17:39

Can you and dc move out and leave her there?
Is your house owned or rented?
Either she moves out or you do
She wont go easily
You ve laid down for her already so she has learned you do what she wants because she gripes otherwise
Like an abusive partner
get some therapy support and kick her out maybe you will need to put deposit on a one bed and move her in

Mumtothreegirlies · 13/07/2023 17:42

Honestly OP I really think now is the time to be brutally ruthless and tell your mum you want to live a part. This will destroy the rest of your life if you don’t do it. Nobody is worth the sacrifice of happiness and you don’t owe her anything.

Sunshinegirl82 · 13/07/2023 17:42

Age U.K. have a free helpline which includes information about benefits:

www.ageuk.org.uk/services/age-uk-advice-line/

If her income is less that £200 a week she may well be entitled to pension credit and her housing costs paid. I would look into this as a priority.

Almahart · 13/07/2023 17:42

The thing is your relationship with her is already terrible. It would just be a different kind of terrible if you managed to get her to move out.

I really hope you can get some kind of counselling and begin to see how unreasonable she is being. You have a choice between her happiness and that of your kids. I'm sorry, I know this must be incredibly difficult.

Roselilly36 · 13/07/2023 17:44

Sending big hugs OP Flowers it must be really tough, especially with teens.

Mumtothreegirlies · 13/07/2023 17:46

I want to add that I have never routed for someone more on MN then you OP. Please please don’t continue this. You go get your freedom and be happy!! Xx

Topseyt123 · 13/07/2023 17:46

Get her onto the waiting list for any kind of sheltered housing in your area. Also speak to the local housing officers and perhaps Citizens' Advice.See what benefits she would be entitled to, including housing benefit. It could well be more doable than you think. Hopefully.

Tell her that the current arrangement isn't working for you and your children and is unlikely ever to work so you will help her to find more suitable accommodation.

She'll possibly try to guilt trip you (she sounds like the sort) but you will have to hold strong or you will end up with many years of this bollocks.

She was a cheeky fucker to just decide for herself to move in with you, so now you need to grow a backbone and get her out. It will not be an easy conversation, but necessary or she'll drive you round the bend.

She has massively taken advantage of you here.

Badbudgeter · 13/07/2023 17:48

I think some type of over 55s sheltered housing. I’ve noticed with some councils it’s the only property you don’t need to bid for as they are available.

Honestly just be blunt that it’s not working otherwise there will be a health crisis and you will be a carer and completely stuck.

Autumnsoon · 13/07/2023 18:14

This is just awful
contact social services and tell them you have given her notice to leave .
the minute you let her move in ,she had her feet under the table.
she clearly is not in her right mind ,as anyone can see you have been nothing but supportive.
however it is time your mum had her own place and stood on her own feet .
let her badmouth you ..
she can live with one of your siblings

Likewhatever · 13/07/2023 18:19

It sounds like sheltered housing is the way to go, OP. I don’t think you can continue with her living with you the way things are. The good news is she’s young enough to adjust to living on her own in a supported setting. It might actually suit her very well, even if she’s not keen on the idea at first.

oi0Y0io · 13/07/2023 18:24

OH god how awful, I would do a runner, just up and move to the other end of the country, terrible I know, well actually I just wouldn't allow it in the first place but I see from your posts that she's been training you for this role since you were a child.
It's you or her....whats it gonna be?

Nanna50 · 13/07/2023 18:27

She doesn’t have to go through the council she can apply for sheltered accommodation without being homeless. She can apply for pension credit which will be generous, especially if living on her own, she can have help with rent and council tax.

I think the financials will be the easy part, you need to have the courage to say she needs to go AND you need to make sure that you don’t then run yourself ragged caring for her from a distance. Maybe she can find housing near one of your siblings.

Ladybug14 · 13/07/2023 18:44

Stop putting your children through this

However hard it is for you and it is hard, you MUST put your children first

Your Mother must move out.

That's the only answer

ArthurPoppy · 13/07/2023 18:53

You need to write an email stating that you are evicting her and she will be homeless from a specific date. She will therefore be a higher priority on the housing.

SheilaFentiman · 13/07/2023 19:12

This is good.

And op - take back your bedroom in the meantime. And take the money it costs to house her.

StellaJohanna · 13/07/2023 19:14

She needs to be in sheltered housing. There are many schemes run by housing associations, charities and even private companies. I know I'm in the North, but there is lovely sheltered housing flats for £450 a month around here. She has very little income so the Council would pay most if not all of her rent.
As she sges, she will need more physical care, not more. She might get dementia (Goodness knows - it's absolutely everywhere now). She might easily live another 20 years by which time your children will be long gone, maybe living in different places with their own family. I understand your situation, and honestly, without other adults to dilute the situation, it is neither natural nor pleasant for a grown woman with children having her mother living with her.
My mother lives in her own home and we moved to look after her and we rent 6 houses down. It has bankrupted us but I'm not moving in with her. Once you are over 40 it just will not work as they cannot stop patronising you xxx

Pansypotter123 · 13/07/2023 19:25

It gets worse doesn't it. I don't think your mum likes you very much and clearly your siblings are the golden children. Have you read the Stately Homes threads? Apologies if anyone else has already mentioned them.

Did your parents own their own house prior to your father's death? If so what happened to that money.

And, has your mum written a will - I'd like to hazard a guess as to the beneficiaries.

WeWereInParis · 13/07/2023 19:25

DM decided to move in with me

when we moved in she refused to be ‘shoved away’ and now has the main bedroom, while I am the one ‘shoved away’ downstairs and feeling separate from my family.

As an absolute bare minimum I'd be switching the bedrooms asap! And I'd be putting a lock with a key on my new one. This is ridiculous.

FofB · 13/07/2023 19:47

OP, if someone was treating your children like this in 50 years time, would you be happy?

I do sympathise. Truly. It's hard to understand that your Mother isn't treating you well- or with love.

But you need to put yourself and your children first- they will thank you for it.

Sunnydaysarentagiveneveninjuly · 14/07/2023 12:27

Keep going as you are op and it will send YOU to an early grave....

PhilipMendez · 03/08/2023 13:31

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Swipe left for the next trending thread