Elderly parent avoiding meet up

[SnakeHouse]

I have a sibling home from abroad with his family. They are staying in the city.

For the past week, they tried to include out mother in activities like lunch, going for a walk, day tour, and there's more planned for this week too.

Since they arrived, our mother who is 70 has constantly made excuses to not spend time with them. It looks so bad.

She was experiencing headaches for a long time that she finally went to the doctor about last week and she was diagnosed with sinusitis. She was prescribed antibiotics and steroids and paracetamol.

I'm in my 40s now and I have some conditions. I have ibs, I am prone to infections - divertititis - and currently going through some body aches and pains and I think maybe it may be sciatica.
All of this I have to manage and even the undiagnosed sciatica is manageable by sleeping with a pillow between my knees.

It's just I have all of these things wrong with me but I am still making an effort to spend time with my sibling and his family while they are here. We live so far apart from each other, I want to spend time with them and nothing will hold me back from doing so.

My mother won't even go out for a cup of tea or lunch citing excuses along the way. They live so far away and they are only here for a short while, I think maybe could make some sort of an effort. She's not handicapped and by the way she's talking you would swear she is. She's able to get up and get dressed and have breakfast and go for her own walks and she displayed an interest to me yesterday at wanting to go to the local city to see a sale (on the bus). She can do all of these things with her condition but she can't go for tea or lunch or spend and afternoon with my brother and his family.
If she's so bad, she needs to go into a hospital.

When I have diverticiticits, and when I have antibitotics I do tend to get tired but it's not too bad and I have to keep on going and continue with things and my job.
If my mother is as tired as she's claiming, she needs to stay in bed.

The issue is my mother can't make an effort for even one day. She has a pile of excuses built up for the week ahead.
It just looks like excuses to me. To avoid spending time with him and his family. If it was time with her son only, she would be all up for it, no doubt.

It just looks so bad.

Your mother is 30 years older than you. Of course you, at 40, have more energy and bounce than her.

Has your brother visited her at home? Can they just call around and sit in the garden chatting? I don't remember hauling my grandfathers out on day trips, although one of them did go on walks. We mostly just visited them. And they were in good health, which it sounds like your mother is not

I think it's a fair point others have made: your ability to 'power through' health issues at 40 ish is likely far greater than your ability to do so at 70.

She's entitled to make her own decisions about what she's conformable doing, for whatever reason/s. Let your brother sort it out with her. He could start by visiting her alone for a cup of tea and take it from there. Bow out.

She's probably a bit overwhelmed and can't deal with the idea of something different that's out of routine and a bit intangible - especially if she'd be reliant on lifts or being taken somewhere, that means she has no control over when she leaves or what she does. Mine is like this and ends up going in circles about what she'd do if "something" happened. She prefers being in control. She also usually naps after lunch so a day out might be difficult.

A trip to the Post Office on the bus is very different - she knows the route, probably the people and even the driver(!), where the loos are, no need to stop and spend money on food or drink when out.

Eg the continence question if it is something like that. Mine would know when she'd be likely to need to go after breakfast and would time a trip out around that. She'd then avoid drinking too much when out and it's only a short time. And she knows where she's going so can plan for loo stops.

A day out into the unknown is a whole different thing!

Possibly still got health anxiety about covid.

My DM goes on the bus, visits a neighbour and various shops in town, but still has issues with the thought of sitting in a cafe or restaurant and having a meal. Unkindly I think that's because she doesn't particularly enjoy going out for a meal so hasn't tried to push herself to do it although it would mean the world to DF.

Have they offered to go visit her ? Seems like that's what she would prefer and then they can do their other trips without her.

My mother has plenty of energy to be roaring and shouting about what the kids wear and it's not suitable for x y z activity - it is suitable, just not for her.

The energy is there but not for spending time with her family who came from abroad.

Well that's her decision. You make your decisions and let her make hers.

It's absolutely her choice to make. Surely your brother could phone her and arrange to go to her house for a cup of tea or coffee on his own for a couple of hours? She might be more amenable to that perhaps, and they would at least get to see each other.

If she won't even do that then you'll have to leave it and back off. The offer will have been made and at the end of the day that's all anyone can do. You'd have to be open to the possibility though that something else could be going on that she is either in denial about or is trying to keep under wraps for now.

"Possibly still got health anxiety about covid."

Unfair to frame legitimate concern about the potential for catching Covid in group situations when a person is in their 70s (many of this age group will have pre-existing conditions which may put them at greater risk if they were to catch Covid) as "health anxiety".

If she had a good relationship and then he moved abroad, perhaps she found that difficult to let him go. And now he’s back she’s trying to protect herself for when he goes home. Especially if he’s bringing grandchildren back, perhaps she’s going to find it too distressing to say goodbye again?
Leave them to it. I’m sure your brother can pop round if he so wishes.

If the rest of your family's attitude towards your mother is anything like the one you have expressed here I'm not bloody surprised, why on earth would someone want to overcome ill health and old age to spend time with smug, dismissive, judgemental people more concerned with how things "look" than anything else?

This.

Is this the mum who wouldn't let you give them a room to stay in at hers?

Why can't you go to her?

Perhaps she just has travel anxiety.

I do hope you make your feelings about her know to her before she dies so that she gets time to change her will

It looks so bad. You’ve said this twice. Looks bad to who? What business is it of anyone’s?