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Elderly parents
Original poster

Elderly parent avoiding meet up

43 replies

SnakeHouse · 10/07/2023 08:44

I have a sibling home from abroad with his family. They are staying in the city.

For the past week, they tried to include out mother in activities like lunch, going for a walk, day tour, and there's more planned for this week too.

Since they arrived, our mother who is 70 has constantly made excuses to not spend time with them. It looks so bad.

She was experiencing headaches for a long time that she finally went to the doctor about last week and she was diagnosed with sinusitis. She was prescribed antibiotics and steroids and paracetamol.

I'm in my 40s now and I have some conditions. I have ibs, I am prone to infections - divertititis - and currently going through some body aches and pains and I think maybe it may be sciatica.
All of this I have to manage and even the undiagnosed sciatica is manageable by sleeping with a pillow between my knees.

It's just I have all of these things wrong with me but I am still making an effort to spend time with my sibling and his family while they are here. We live so far apart from each other, I want to spend time with them and nothing will hold me back from doing so.

My mother won't even go out for a cup of tea or lunch citing excuses along the way. They live so far away and they are only here for a short while, I think maybe could make some sort of an effort. She's not handicapped and by the way she's talking you would swear she is. She's able to get up and get dressed and have breakfast and go for her own walks and she displayed an interest to me yesterday at wanting to go to the local city to see a sale (on the bus). She can do all of these things with her condition but she can't go for tea or lunch or spend and afternoon with my brother and his family.
If she's so bad, she needs to go into a hospital.

When I have diverticiticits, and when I have antibitotics I do tend to get tired but it's not too bad and I have to keep on going and continue with things and my job.
If my mother is as tired as she's claiming, she needs to stay in bed.

The issue is my mother can't make an effort for even one day. She has a pile of excuses built up for the week ahead.
It just looks like excuses to me. To avoid spending time with him and his family. If it was time with her son only, she would be all up for it, no doubt.

It just looks so bad.

OP posts:
Beamur · 10/07/2023 08:46

It's curious. But presumably they don't have a great relationship?
It's possible for parents and children (as adults) not to get along..

saraclara · 10/07/2023 08:49

Does she normally go out and about? Or does she generally stay home?

There's clearly something going on here, and it could be anything from a mental health issue to a strong dislike of the sibling partner or kids.

Playing top trumps with your own medical issues isn't a good look, mind. She's a lot older than you for a start

Original poster
SnakeHouse · 10/07/2023 09:00

She always had an interest and a love for her son. She always got along with him. She went above and beyond for him and played favourites with him and my brothers against me. She always loved my brothers but me, it was a different story. What's the issue now? Is it because he has a family now that she doesn't want to spend time with him?

No, she was usually always like this. An introvert and not an extrovert. But surely, she could make an effort for one day but that's not happening. If she was due to get her son's undivided attention she would be all over him, no doubt.

OP posts:
Topseyt123 · 10/07/2023 09:03

Playing top trumps with your own medical issues isn't a good look, mind. She's a lot older than you for a start

Frustrating as your mother's behaviour is, I do agree with @saraclara that you seem to be in danger of doing this. Don't.

There must be something going on here. What's their relationship generally like? Good, arm's length, distant? Does your sibling have young children who your mother finds exhausting but she doesn't want to say that?

It may also be none of those reasons. She might have lost some confidence in leaving her own "little bubble" as it were. This was something I noticed with my own parents as they got older, although they were in their eighties by the time it had become blatantly obvious. Everyone's different though.

Has your sibling visited her at home since arriving? See how that goes first and then she might soften up and agree to go out for a little while (coffee, lunch etc.).

Original poster
SnakeHouse · 10/07/2023 09:06

I wasn't playing top trumps with my health issues. I wrote it to illustrate that I have my own issues but wild horses wouldn't keep me away from spending time with my family while they are home. My mother is on day 7 of her meds. Surely, they should be working by now. She has energy to do her own things. She has plenty of energy for complaining about everything and anything.

OP posts:
Fushia123 · 10/07/2023 09:09

My MIL could be like this. We realised after a while that she had had an embarrassing and frightening incontinent experience whilst out one day. It was too embarrassing for her to share this with anybody so no one knew. She preferred to stay at home or to go out with a family member that she knew could get her home easily if necessary.

Topseyt123 · 10/07/2023 09:09

Just seen your update, and I wonder if maybe you are answering your own question now.

She's an introvert, so happiest in her own bubble. She's also wary of the fact that there are now more people involved now that he has a family that she will need to interact with. Golden boy now will no longer have all of his attention on her.

I'm not saying that she is right with what she is doing, she isn't, and I do think that she should consider making more effort. She could regret it when they go home if she doesn't.

PemQueen · 10/07/2023 09:11

Why don't they just call in for a cup of tea? If the problem is about her leaving the house... why so much drama about her meeting up in town? Sure, it puts the focus on her, not them, if that bothers you, but makes it as easy as possible, if it's so important.

Obviously if she doesn't want them to visit her at home, so there's no contact at all, the that suggests a different problem.

MetaverseMavis · 10/07/2023 09:11

Why doesn't he visit her alone in her home. Low-key

Topseyt123 · 10/07/2023 09:13

Fushia123 · 10/07/2023 09:09

My MIL could be like this. We realised after a while that she had had an embarrassing and frightening incontinent experience whilst out one day. It was too embarrassing for her to share this with anybody so no one knew. She preferred to stay at home or to go out with a family member that she knew could get her home easily if necessary.

This type of thing is also possible. There could be issues she hasn't spoken about widely and is perhaps trying to avoid? Maybe not, but not impossible.

Mum5net · 10/07/2023 09:14

Does she want someone to physically take her to see your DB’s family? Could it be that she’s just overwhelmed?
My DM retreated upstairs to play Spider on the computer when my sibling visited from another country with grand children.
Sounds complicated though.

saraclara · 10/07/2023 09:19

She has energy to do her own things.

What things? Things that take her out of the house?

She has plenty of energy for complaining about everything and anything.

You clearly dislike her, and surely you're not so stupid as to think that energy to talk and energy to go out are the same thing.
My mum's bedridden with illness, bareley weight six stone now and hardly eats, but still has the energy to (very reasonably) complain about things.

Original poster
SnakeHouse · 10/07/2023 09:22

Fushia123 · 10/07/2023 09:09

My MIL could be like this. We realised after a while that she had had an embarrassing and frightening incontinent experience whilst out one day. It was too embarrassing for her to share this with anybody so no one knew. She preferred to stay at home or to go out with a family member that she knew could get her home easily if necessary.

I never thought of this. I'm thinking about this now and I don't know. She still goes to the post office every week. And she likes going to town on the bus every week too. If there were incontinent issues going on she wouldn't be able to do this.

OP posts:
Original poster
SnakeHouse · 10/07/2023 09:24

Mum5net · 10/07/2023 09:14

Does she want someone to physically take her to see your DB’s family? Could it be that she’s just overwhelmed?
My DM retreated upstairs to play Spider on the computer when my sibling visited from another country with grand children.
Sounds complicated though.

That isn't it either. They are coming to visit home but I think we were all expecting maybe a day trip together. My brother would have come to the house and chauffeured her too. I would be there too if she needs company's or more of a familiar face.

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 10/07/2023 09:26

Maybe it’s not him she dislikes, but SIL… very common with MIL’s

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 10/07/2023 09:29

She’s an adult. Let her make her own decisions about whom she wants to spend time with.

TheHairyHazelnut · 10/07/2023 09:30

Hmm. I am undecided.

My own mother has a number of health issues, none of which would totally prevent her from a day trip but the combination of all of them is likely to mean she would not feel up to it.

a) a day trip to somewhere newish is far more tiring than the same bus trip you do every week to the post office
b) a day trip is something you have to commit to; the post office is something you can bin off as a second's notice because you don't feel up to it that day and no one has to know or be affected by it
c) a day trip is going to make any infirmaties obvious to your family, a trip to the post office won't

Your posts do come across as very judgemental and unsympathetic. Possibly there are historic reasons why your Mum deserves that judgement, but on the face of it I can see how not 'making the effort' when you are 70 and unwell might reasonable.

helpfulperson · 10/07/2023 09:33

It may not be a incontinence issue, that was just an example. Maybe something else she doesn't want others to know. Do you take her out for coffee or to other places, how does that go? I would suggest your brothers visits her al9ne at her house as a starting point.

HeddaGarbled · 10/07/2023 09:36

Stay out of it and let them negotiate their own relationship.

sunshinesupermum · 10/07/2023 09:38

TheHairyHazelnut 100% agree.

OP I am 75 and an introvert and going on day trips out with family is beyond me too as I have little energy that wouldn't last the whole day's activity. Luckily my adult daughters recognise this and make allowances. It is also very difficult for me to entertain them at my home. So I drive an hour to theirs every couple of months or so to see them. Perhaps your brother could visit his mother on his own at some point if this is the only way she will see him?

Flopsythebunny · 10/07/2023 09:38

SnakeHouse · 10/07/2023 09:06

I wasn't playing top trumps with my health issues. I wrote it to illustrate that I have my own issues but wild horses wouldn't keep me away from spending time with my family while they are home. My mother is on day 7 of her meds. Surely, they should be working by now. She has energy to do her own things. She has plenty of energy for complaining about everything and anything.

I'm on the same regime of medication for the same condition as your mother. I'm on day 11 though. I cannot function normally, feel sick and dizzy when I stand up and need to be close to a toilet at all times.
Have some fucking compassion!
You are a lot younger than your mother so probably cope with your meds better.
She is probably only doing what she really has to do

Iwasafool · 10/07/2023 09:40

SnakeHouse · 10/07/2023 09:06

I wasn't playing top trumps with my health issues. I wrote it to illustrate that I have my own issues but wild horses wouldn't keep me away from spending time with my family while they are home. My mother is on day 7 of her meds. Surely, they should be working by now. She has energy to do her own things. She has plenty of energy for complaining about everything and anything.

I'm 70, just finished a second course of antibiotics and the infection isn't shifting. On top of coping with the pain I am also coping with the antibiotics making me feel unwell, unusual for me as I've never had a reaction to them before.

Maybe she doesn't feel up to it, I wouldn't at the moment but in my 40s I probably would have.

thedevilinablackdress · 10/07/2023 09:41

HeddaGarbled · 10/07/2023 09:36

Stay out of it and let them negotiate their own relationship.

Yes, this.
You say it 'doesn't look good' but that's not your issue to fix. Your DM is a grown adult.

KPops22 · 10/07/2023 09:42

SnakeHouse · 10/07/2023 09:22

I never thought of this. I'm thinking about this now and I don't know. She still goes to the post office every week. And she likes going to town on the bus every week too. If there were incontinent issues going on she wouldn't be able to do this.

Show quote history

That's not correct as you can handle something like this if you are on your own if something goes wrong. It could be bladder or bowel. I had a Great Aunt like this and she wouldn't go out in company so I would visit her at home.

What kind of son does not visit his mother at home?

liondreams · 10/07/2023 09:42

Can't you just ask her if there's a reason and if so what is it, so you can at least understand? E.g. is something troubling her / worrying her?

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