Old age is rubbish

[tobyj]

I don't know what I'm trying to achieve with this thread really, I just want to talk about old age being rubbish, with people who understand.

My mum (mid late 70s) is just beginning the old age journey, and in lots of ways is much better off than many I read about on here (lives in a nice house with a loving husband, for a start). But everything is just starting to go wrong. She's increasingly forgetful, and the doctor's recommended a full assessment for suspected dementia. She's anxious about socialising so has become increasingly reclusive. She's got bad arthritis, so struggles to walk very far and can't easily do her hobby any more. She's got terrible insomnia, which mean she's often exhausted, and she's got digestive issues which mean that some days she's really sick or has diarrhoea (tests done, probably IBS).

Whenever I speak to her, it seems like her health or memory have got a little bit worse. She mainly sits at home, fretting about her health or various other worries, and some days she barely gets out of bed, if she's had a bad night. She's lost interest in going out anywhere, even things she used to enjoy. She does still do nice things sometimes - trips to the theatre in London, meals out, holiday cruises etc, but each time they become more of a mission, a little bit more difficult, a little more worrying and less enjoyable. My dad is very patient, but she's increasingly snappy with him, and I can see that he's just beginning to start the crossover from husband to carer. She's perfectly aware of what's happening to her, and just says that old age is awful and that everyone lives too long these days.

As I say, I'm just venting really, because I feel so sad and helpless. I take the kids to see when I can (or vice versa) as she loves to see us, but we've all got busy lives (full time work, GCSEs looming) and don't live that close, and have another set of struggling GPs in the mix, so it's hard to increase the visits much.

It just feels like she's got nothing much to live for, she's unhappy most of the time, and it's all just going to get worse, for another 5, 10, 15 years, until she dies. I know that Alzheimer drugs might help slow things down, if she gets a diagnosis, but I can't imagine they can make things dramatically better than they are now. I always try to stay upbeat with her, but to be honest it's hard to find the positives. I know that we're nothing unusual, and that this scenario is playing out in families up and down the land, but it's just so bloody sad.

Deep sympathies..... I fear this for myself

Getting old isn’t great - I’m feeling it already and am dreading the dependence - although your mum does seem to be in a worse position than many. I would say my mum was happy until she was at least 90, but she was physically and mentally in excellent shape. I’m hoping to follow her example.

I absolutely get this. We had this with my dh's dad who wasn't very 'dear' either. We had young dc at the time. My own parents were very active until they died (very suddenly). Whilst it was a shock it was preferable.

We're in our 50s and starting to creak. Trying to stay active and connected and will probably keep working for a good while, at least in part to keep minds active.

I hear you, it's absolutely shite. My mum has Parkinsons, refuses most support, so puts herself at greater risk. It is a massive worry constantly. And like you, also trying to juggle an unwell father in law, my own family and a full time job. I'll be honest, if I'd had a realistic glimpse of old age when I was in my thirties, I probably wouldn't have had kids, because I don't want to put them through having to deal with all this.
The only vague upside from all this is that I am making a conscious effort to improve my own health to be as strong as possible to not be a burden on my kids, but with Parkinsons, cancer, heart disease and alzheimers in my parents, I may not have a choice. It's all a bag of shit.

It really is.

I see it heading towards me and I just want to opt out.

Dm, FIL and MIL are all over 85 now and frankly all have lives you'd never wish on anybody. The best you can say is that the issues they are living with are all different.

You've only got to spend a few minutes looking through posts on the Elderly Parents board to see how difficult & unhappy life is for many elderly people. And how physically & mentally sapping it is for many of their children who struggle to care for them. It's a huge scandal in this country that social care for the elderly is so inadequate.

Getting old is a choice. I won't be doing it.

Annoys me that people just expect the elderly to rot for decades instead of really embracing stuff then signing out before the decay years.

My mum’s a little bit younger, but since Covid hasn’t gone anywhere or done anything and focuses more and more on health conditions, which mobility-related mainly, but increasingly also pain. I’d be amazed if she’s not depressed but she won’t hear of talking to anyone about that as she insists being miserable is perfectly natural given the state of her health.

Yes, it’s thoroughly depressing. We’re not at the stage of talking about care (well, she talks about it a lot in a ‘what will happen when…’ sort of way) and hopefully won’t be for a while, but I can’t see things getting better.

My grandparents were healthy into their 90s and then had a very quick decline before dying. That gave me a false optimism about ageing.

My dad was active until his early eighties - he was into technology & going on cruises & DIY & gardening. He had a huge stroke one day and died in hospital a couple of days later. That was a good old age - and it hurts me to say it, a fairly good death. My DM is the opposite - a slow decline, rather like that described by OP when they talk about their DM above. It's horrible. She just talks all the time of how she wishes she could just die. Being incredibly selfish and saying it's having a terrible effect on my mental health & that of my siblings.

My parents are in their 80s and are both mentally and physically healthy and still very happy together. However my in laws (also in their 80s) are having a much tougher time, with multiple physical issues, forgetfulness and also they don't get on so well - lots of bickering (probably related to the fact that things are so much harder for them). It's hard to watch

What do you plan to do? Genuine question as I feel the same way. I have no children or partner, so foresee it having the potential to be extremely miserable, especially if I take after my father rather than my mother, health-wise.

I see a huge difference in terms of attitude when it comes to my elderly relatives, and how that seems to determine a lot of their quality of life.

I can compare my mother, who is in decent health, save a few minor issues, but totally negative about everything and always moaning about how hard she has it - versus my auntie, who has gone through awful health issues and has nursed her husband and parents through illness and death in the last few years, but is far more positive and seems to embrace and enjoy life wherever she can.

I know which one I would rather be.

@LaPerduta I'm a Dignitas member and I have put a really brutal Advanced Refusal of Treatment into my GP record (currently trying to get it into my hospital record but they aren't responding- some sensible areas there wouldn't be a separate issue but ours are almost completely separate). It's based on my son's age - as soon as he's 25, if I lose mental capacity even temporarily due to illness, I want palliative care.

Ooh this is interesting, I didnt know that you could put such a thing onto your medical records. I just blindly hope that by the time I get there that things will have changed.

I think you know! We don't actually HAVE to live to the bitter end. Joining dignitas to be prepared but that obviously only helps in specific circumstances. I don't understand why we live in this age of ultra information, no hiding from what's down the road, yet everyone still acts like a helpless baby ("nobody told me it would be like this!")

Best we can hope for is to drop down dead at 70ish but if we don't we all have options. I choose not to sit in my own poo until someone has time to change me.

I am 82 on Tuesday and all your posts are so understandable. I have found that each decade there is a change in my attitudes. For example when I was 80 I decided that I would no longer do what others think I should do but what I wanted to do. So now no longer want to go away on holiday but prefer days out. We go to a local theatre where prices are reasonable enough to sit in the front row and I don’t feel trapped in the centre of a row! Our shopping is mostly delivered and topped up by visits to M&S, the Co-Op. Amazon is my friend. I browse the internet and do Wordle every day. Also follow the news from a variety of sources. Yes health becomes a problem and there is always something. Insomnia,bladder infections, arthritis, forgetfulness and tomorrow a hospital visit to determine whether I have a form of skin cancer. I often think of how I am able to put an end to myself if it looks as if I am going the way of my poor mother who had dementia. I don’t want my family to become worn out with worry and unable to enjoy their later years. At the moment I have a loving dh who is nearly two years older than me and we enjoy each others company. We have been married for 63 years and when one of us goes the other won’t be hanging around too long. What I would say is enjoy the life you have. Embrace the modern world, learn what you need to know in technology in order to stay independent. Do online banking, renew your driving licenses etc online, take on board the health advice that is so plentiful and above all have a good laugh.

A good point about partners. I wouldn't want to die while my husband is still around but because of his health it's unlikely he'll make it to very old age. A blessing in my view but certainly not in his. He liked the reassurance of feeling that the end was unwritten. Personally I think the deep peace of afterwards is the reward for all the suffering of life.

Yes, @HappydaysArehere , that's good advice. I

It's really tough for them. My mother's sight is failing and it is having a massive impact on everything - she sort of creeps around feeling her way and is slower to react in general conversation because so much of her resources are being used to compensate for the lack of vision. She talks about it a lot and (selfishly) it makes my heart sink like a stone, as does the sight of her visibly ageing. But I don't try to change the conversation to something more comfortable for me, because she needs to talk about her reality.

The truth is some elderly people are lucky and are not in pain with arthritis, isolated by deafness, circumscribed by fading vision or mobility or continence problems. It is easy for them to stay alert and engaged and interested. But if you wake up every morning to a day of pain and frustration and humiliation, and your family are trying to jolly you along because Irene next door is five years older and she's still digging the garden, I can see a person might get grumpy.

I get this. You do go through a sort of grieving process when a parent is no longer themselves, particularly if it is dementia.

You could contact your local branch of Age UK and see if there is anything they can offer like day centres etc to give your parent an interest.

If she does have dementia Alzhiemer's Society can offer help and support over the phone or you can post on the Talking Point website.

It is very sad when an elderly person wants it all to end, but we should respect that choice, and maybe help them on their way. For example, a cancer sufferer when there is no hope but lots of pain that the drugs aren't helping. You wouldn't put a dog through that, you'd euthanise. Or a dementia sufferer who in their more lucid moments says they'd like to get out of the care home they're in and top themselves. It sounds very mercenary to say it, but why are we spending a fortune on keeping people alive when they don't want it?

PIL are here now. MIL can barely move due to osteoarthritis and FIL is just about to embark on a six month chemo journey before planned surgery at Xmas. He has three cancers, one grade 4 and is 83.
What could have reduced stresses all round though is if they'd prepared for this increasing frailty. Now they're stuck in a three bed house with stairs and two gardens they can't manage or maintain, and are hesitant to buy in help or make adaptations despite having pots of money sitting doing nothing.
They can't help poor health, but it shouldn't be a surprise as we age, and a little forward planning would help their situation and improve their quality of life.
They've almost been a lesson to DH and I in how not to do it.

They've almost been a lesson to DH and I in how not to do it.

Eh, I don't know. I might rather life my preferred life for as long as possible even if I crash and burn at the end, rather than tidy myself neatly away at 69 (assuming I'm in excellent health) by moving into an easy to maintain little flat or bungalow with no garden, get rid of all my things and wait for old age and death to arrive.

There's no right way really.

Forward planning is important. My DSis had a conversation with my DM & stepfather 10 years ago about them moving back to where family live. They continued to live very rurally until step dad died. Their lives were unnecessarily difficult - supermarket an hour away, GP miles away, no real amenities/clubs etc for elderly people. DM has now moved in with DSis causing massive stress to everyone. If DM & step father had planned, DM could be living in a property - (bungalow/retirement flat/etc) with accessible bathroom, family could visit, she could have carers visit, have made some connections in the community and have some independence.

rather than tidy myself neatly away at 69 (assuming I'm in excellent health) by moving into an easy to maintain little flat or bungalow with no garden, get rid of all my things and wait for old age and death to arrive

I AM 69 and I have no intention of doing that. Nor of hoping to drop dead at 70 (barring random accidents and health conditions).