Old age is rubbish

[tobyj]

I don't know what I'm trying to achieve with this thread really, I just want to talk about old age being rubbish, with people who understand.

My mum (mid late 70s) is just beginning the old age journey, and in lots of ways is much better off than many I read about on here (lives in a nice house with a loving husband, for a start). But everything is just starting to go wrong. She's increasingly forgetful, and the doctor's recommended a full assessment for suspected dementia. She's anxious about socialising so has become increasingly reclusive. She's got bad arthritis, so struggles to walk very far and can't easily do her hobby any more. She's got terrible insomnia, which mean she's often exhausted, and she's got digestive issues which mean that some days she's really sick or has diarrhoea (tests done, probably IBS).

Whenever I speak to her, it seems like her health or memory have got a little bit worse. She mainly sits at home, fretting about her health or various other worries, and some days she barely gets out of bed, if she's had a bad night. She's lost interest in going out anywhere, even things she used to enjoy. She does still do nice things sometimes - trips to the theatre in London, meals out, holiday cruises etc, but each time they become more of a mission, a little bit more difficult, a little more worrying and less enjoyable. My dad is very patient, but she's increasingly snappy with him, and I can see that he's just beginning to start the crossover from husband to carer. She's perfectly aware of what's happening to her, and just says that old age is awful and that everyone lives too long these days.

As I say, I'm just venting really, because I feel so sad and helpless. I take the kids to see when I can (or vice versa) as she loves to see us, but we've all got busy lives (full time work, GCSEs looming) and don't live that close, and have another set of struggling GPs in the mix, so it's hard to increase the visits much.

It just feels like she's got nothing much to live for, she's unhappy most of the time, and it's all just going to get worse, for another 5, 10, 15 years, until she dies. I know that Alzheimer drugs might help slow things down, if she gets a diagnosis, but I can't imagine they can make things dramatically better than they are now. I always try to stay upbeat with her, but to be honest it's hard to find the positives. I know that we're nothing unusual, and that this scenario is playing out in families up and down the land, but it's just so bloody sad.

Thanks for all the replies.

@HappydaysArehere I think you've got a brilliant attitude. One of the issues with my mum is that she's a complete technophobe -it's not just that she struggles with technology, it's that she loathes it on principle- she's always been the same, it's nothing new. So won't use the internet, won't have a mobile phone. Luckily my dad is very tech savvy, so he can do all the admin stuff, but it does mean she's increasingly cut off from the world (and she's very cross about that). There's no way she'll change on this - it took about 25 years to persuade her to get a toaster and a microwave, and she still never uses them.

With the 'choice' thing, I don't think it's simple. Mum's not a believer in euthanasia, but anyway I suspect that once the time comes that you really feel life's not worth living, it's often too late to be able to make and execute that choice. I've seen from my FIL how insidious that creep into dementia can be. As for advance directives and DNARs, I can totally see the value in those, and they may well come into play for mum at some point. But at the moment, none of the problems mum's got would kill her - none have needed life saving treatment or even antibiotics - they're just a collection of things that make her life miserable, and looking ahead to my ien old age, I don't know how you 'control' for those.

Thanks for the recommendation of Age UK etc. At the moment she's very resistant to the idea of 'old person stuff' - although she's got lots of problems, she doesn't see herself as properly 'old' yet (and she's not - others her age are still fit and active and enjoying life). She tends to deflect any suggestions of things and places she could try. However, if she does get a dementia diagnosis in the next couple of months, then I think it might become easier (and more necessary) to try a little harder to have those conversations.

On the plus side, my parents have already down the downsizing thing, and we've already got LPA, so those are two big things ticked off. It's more the quality of life issue than the practicalities at this stage.

I'm so sorry for everyone else also experiencing this.

I don't think it's a case of tidying yourself away until you die. I see it more as making life as practically easy as possible so that your energy/time/money goes into the things you love - going to U3A, learning to play piano, or whatever - rather than struggling upstairs to a bathroom with a bath you can't get in & out of, trying to keep clean a home that's too big, worrying about who is going to mow the lawn etc.

Except most don't crash and burn. They linger on for years. Expecting their family to pickup the pieces at short notice.
As an ex district nurse so many of these hospital admissions for falls for example, are so avoidable.

Except most don't crash and burn. They linger on for years. Expecting their family to pickup the pieces at short notice.

Would you say most? As a district nurse it might seem that way, but my experience in reality is that for most people the final decline is pretty quick.

Urgh it's

I see a lot of older people as part of my job and many are struggling a lot. There also doesn't seem to be the support there to help people stay as well and safe as they can be although admittedly a lot just don't want the help. I help older people to maximise their income and often even after we've helped them claim £100 a week Attendance Allowance and often extra means tested benefits that go with that, they still won't spend it pay for some extra help ! I understand many just want their kids to help and those with adult kids close by are the lucky ones really, but many with family close by don't like to put on them and will just struggle on, and we also see a lot who have fallen out with family members or there is conflict ! My friends parents are currently struggling, dad very ill and bedbound and up to now mum refusing care until things have reached crisis point etc. I will say that if you can persuade parents to ask for help , there is help out there. Even things like asking for an OT assessment for things like grab rails, raised toilet seat , stairlift , lifeline alarms can help people to stay safer and independent for longer.

My local area has some excellent facilities to support people with dementia, activities and support for relatives. I hope your dm comes round to accepting some help.

Just wanted to say don't just assume old age or dementia. Make sure she has had tests for coeliac disease, thyroid and B12. All more common in older people and can look like memory problems.

It's certainly simple in that everyone should have a choice and not be denied a dignified death if and when they want it.

I won't lie, I think it's selfish to force other people to care for you when you could avoid that for them.

I would actually. A long, slow gradual decline is usually the norm. People live for years now with multiple co morbidities. No so many years ago of course. We've modern medicine to 'thank' for that.

Well yes, I know what you're getting at. I suppose I meant "how" rather than "what".

What I love doing is maintaining a large garden in a labour intensive way, and having a beautiful large house with enough space to spread myself. And a separate room for the piano

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I think you’re both right. Long slow decline with gradually increasing cocktail of drugs, followed by crash into .complete dependence.

What I have noticed with very elderly relatives (now almost all dead but who were still reasonably active and engaged with things to late 80s at least) is that they were physically fit earlier in life in their 40s, 50s and 60s. Most of them didn't have cars and so walked a lot and used public transport. That meant they kept fit, got plenty of exercise and tended to live in places with accessible local facilities and a lot of people around that they knew. Apart from the occasional cancer diagnosis throwing things, they mostly stayed reasonably active to real old age and were engaged with stuff outside their homes.

Next generation down, now heading to mid/late 70s has been car dependent, very unfit from having children in their 30s onwards and that's really beginning to show in terms of physical deterioration. Declining far earlier and quicker than the generation above. And all activities and interactions have been stuff you access by car, which will be a struggle once the inevitable need to stop driving happens.

I know this has affected my life decisions in my 40s in terms of keeping fit and getting exercise, as well as where to live.

You have my sympathies, it sounds really tough. The only good thing about my mum dying at 78 was she only had to deal with about four months of poor health, prior to that she was extremely healthy and fit and to be honest was quite smug about it. Im grateful she was spared all the indignities of ageing.

I think it would be very hard to watch the vigour slowly seep away and them become more anxious. I think with dementia, if you get on it quickly with medication, it can help to stave it off. My dad became much better when he started his which also acted as an anti depressant - I’d say he’s from fairly obvious dementia to mild forgetfulness.

apparently a ketogenic diet can also halt progression although we didn’t even dare to suggest that one 😂

That's really positive that the dementia medication worked well for your dad @AbsoIutelyLovely . I really hope it might help DM too, if they do conclude that it's dementia. It's hard to get a handle on what tests she's had done - on one hand she talks about her health all the time, and is quite happy to be open, but on the other hand she can't always quite remember what the doctor's said, or she focuses on the minor things instead of the major ones. It's frustrating - she's had endless appointments with the GP about her insomnia, which they can't really do much about seemingly, but when I suggest a hearing test, as her hearing has definitely got worse recently, she's very resistant because she's 'got enough health problems on her plate', even though that's one they could probably improve quite easily!

l know she's definitely had a negative coeliac test, along with internal imaging, and I know she's had an array of blood tests, but I'm not sure what for. Hopefully a proper memory centre assessment will rule out things like thyroid and B12 issues, if they haven't been ruled out already.

Did her hearing get worse at the same time as her cognitive function?

I thought my mum had rapidly acquired dementia at the same time as her vision got a lot worse.. she also did a hearing test which she screwed up because she was, I think, not sharp enough to press the button accurately. It later transpired that she’d actually had a few mini strokes which affected her vision and cognitive abilities.

The doctor told me that if you have a stroke that affects any part of your head, like your eyes or ears, it will also affect your mental abilities.

Looking back, I think the cognitive decline started at least two or three years ago (increasingly repetitive, losing things more, more socially withdrawn - though its hard to assess that because of the Covid factor). It's only in the last year that we've got more worried though - the repeating is very noticeable now, she's forgetting bigger things, including some skills as well as words, names etc. I've only noticed the hearing in the last three months or so, but it could have been going on longer. Really interesting suggestion - I'd thought that the hearing might be making thr cognitive decline worse, but it never occurred to me that they could have the same root cause.

My mum lost her gregarious and chatty personality very suddenly. She was being treated for a UTI so we put it down to that. So did the doctor.

The problem is many issues get fobbed off as being old, whereas often it’s something that has a definite case. I mean she died anyway but I tried to hard to advocate for her It was really hard to get any help.

have you got PoA? You should probably get that sorted out. In case you need it.

DH and I are making strenuous efforts to keep physically and mentally fit and engaged with the community in which we live. I no longer smoke or drink, walk a lot, do a weekly Pilates class for core strength and balance. I also have a voluntary role, which occupies anything up to three days a week. DH still does some paid work and walks at least five miles every day. He also no longer smokes anything and has massively reduced his alcohol intake. I'm hoping that this will keep us going into our seventies and eighties.

DPs moved into sheltered housing aged 66 and 68. I thought they were mad at the time as they already had the 'lovely bungalow', but DF died shortly afterwards and DM went on for another thirty years. She had a flourishing social life, went for a walk every day, finally dying of pneumonia three days after a fall at the age of 96. Her DM was much the same, but she only made it to 93.

My friend on the other hand is 74. She has arthritis, fibromyalgia, chronic sinusitis, IBS, anxiety and the list goes on. She sprained her ankle three years ago and since then has not been upstairs in her house. She sits on the sofa all day and sleeps on it at night. To my frustration, she will not accept any help or support and flatly refuses to take any medication whatsoever. Her choice, frankly.

We don't know what cards we will be dealt, but it's up to us how we mitigate the effects of aging

Thanks @AbsoIutelyLovely I do have POA fir both parents, so that's something.

@Pleasemrstweedie I'm hoping that one positive development is that fewer people will now have a history of smoking. Both my parents smoked heavily for many years (though they stopped over 10 years ago), whereas most people I know of my generation (now mid 40s) have never really smoked.