How awful is it when you secretly think it would be a relief if they died!

[BeachBlondey]

You can’t say this out loud, can you? My dad is an alcoholic and has been for 40 years. He ruined much of my childhood. He’s also morbidly obese as he's addicted to food. He has been in and out of hospital now for a while. It’s exhausting. Every day is centred around what is happening with him and what he needs. I love him but would be secretly relieved if he died. How bad is that?!

Totally agree with all these posts xx

When my alcoholic dad died I was NC with him. One of my relatives said to me: he was a difficult man, with a difficult relationship with the world.

And that helped me enormously. It wasn't me. It was him and his self inflicted difficulties that led to his life being the way it was.

Maybe you can get some solace from that thought now, before he dies.

Stepping away from my dad was hard. But in the end, I had to. There's a long and sad story in there, but I only felt relief when I heard he died.

My mum is difficult. Mil and FiL sweet but dopey. Increasing levels of need on all sides, caused by them failing to adjust their life style to their capacity. So frequent complaints about life, wanting us to do things for them or make things happen that just aren't manageable/achievable. Then a hospital trip followed by discharge followed by another hospital trip- test after test, none of which will lead to an increase in quality of life because they are just old and frail.

DM can buy a holiday but not manage to book a taxi to the airport or cruise terminal. DS spends hours getting her booked on a flight, only to then spend more hours on booking a shuttle. There will be frequent panics and phone calls in the days leading up to it. Her luggage won't arrive or will arrive after she returns home. She won't be in when they return it to her house so it will go to a neighbour. Neither she nor the neighbour will be able to move the bag because it's bigger than she is. Why take only one kitchen sink when you might need two?!
I'm exhausted by the time she's had a holiday, and so is she, with endless complaints about how hard it was and how exhausted she is.
Then she'll start again.

The above has been going on for a fair while and has included several dodgy building companies, car repair firms, Facebook scam sales etc.

And she just doesn't stop.

Parents are difficult. I’m NC with one and LC with the other. I wouldn’t wish harm on them (especially the LC one as they were just an enabler), but equally I am not sure I would be that sad if they vanished from my life?

I try not to think about it but I suspect it’s not unusual to feel this way.

I felt relief when my horrible alcoholic father died when I was 17. Part of the relief was that he didn’t need to go through a painful unpleasant death.

My DMiL has recently died. She had dementia and hasn't known her DC for at least 8 years. The DC mourned her loss many years ago but it doesn't mean they are not mourning now.

I have increasingly felt this during difficult periods over the last two years. It’s completely understandable I think.

DM is currently sectioned, due to end next week; and I am very concerned about her being discharged and everything kicking off again. I dread it all.

My alcoholic father died recently, way too young just shy of 60.

All of us siblings have said how glad we are that he died young and not at a stage when he needed intensive support or a care home. He would have been an absolute nightmare.

I just want you to know you're not alone, it's just were not allowed to admit to having these perfectly normal and rational thoughts.

Not awful at all, it is relief, and it's perfectly normal to be exhausted by people and drained by their lack of care for themselves. Allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling. You can understand why nurses suffer from an empathy deficit over time.

I am so glad that others feel this way. My dad was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer a couple of months ago and has been hospitalised twice since then - and is back in again today. Each time it is confusion and infection, antibiotics and then discharged. It is exhausting and he has gone from being a fairly robust if unhealthy man to a hunched up crumpled incontinent shell. He is a difficult man to love but nonetheless he's my dad and I would not wish his current situation on my worst enemy.

When my DSis phoned this morning I felt myself hoping it was with the news he had died as it would be the best thing for everyone including him.

I hope that by the time I get to that stage euthanasia has been legalised and I can choose to go when I no longer am truly living but just existing.

It isn't bad at all OP. If a person has any condition of any type whatsoever, which is long term and will never get better, then life can be a terrible struggle for them and is exhausting for family members.

MIL had dementia and hated her life, wanted to die and prayed each night that she wouldn't wake up next day. Another loved one years earlier had an incurable illness and had had enough. If either of them had died earlier rather than later it would have saved a great deal of heartache.

This 💯 preserving life at all costs with zero regard to the quality of life is bloody inhumane. I am so sorry for your Dad and you and your family.

We were all so relieved when my Dad died. We were relieved for him. We all felt calm and all our stresses went away. We voiced it to each other happily. They is nothing wrong with admitting it.

The last few weeks had been very difficult but he actual death was peaceful. The hospital and his care was brilliant which all helped.

I didn't even cry.

@lastminutewednesday my lovely dad has terminal cancer, he's always been so clean, showered and shaved every day, so the fact that the carers forget to shave him sometimes is awful for him. He always used to say similar to your dad in that he wouldn't want to end up like this, no one would really.
Op it's entirely normal to think this way .

I have never been in this position but I understand totally what you were saying.

This is one of the many reasons that the NHS is in crisis

No one is brave enough to say that people like your mother should not be kept alive with no quality of life.

I remember my next door neighbour was so worried when his nearly 100 year old mother was in hospital and they were trying to adapt his house for when she came back.

How much was it cost in the NHS each time she went into hospital? And how much would it have cost to adapt his house?

Everyone keeps saying we have no money and yet we seem to have the money to keep people in their 90s alive when they have no quality of life.

My neighbour was so relieved when she died in hospital.

The whole system is absolutely ridiculous and it's it is causing stress on mainly women like you.

But t not only is it inhumane it is bankrupting the NHS and the UK.

Most people agree with everyone on this thread and yet no one is doing anything about it.

We are keeping people in their 80s and 90s alive who are bed ridden and in pain and with no quality of life.

Definitely normal OP.

Very different circumstances but my DM passed from cancer and honestly the relief was indescribable. I was happy and even smiled when I went out to tell the Nurse on the ward that I thought she had gone. My relief came from knowing she was no longer trapped inside a disease riddled body that defied her only wish to live a normal long life.

I felt the same about my parents, but yes I didn't really go around telling people that's how I felt.

Not awful at all, in fact entirely normal.

mum was in a hospice and the nurses completely understood my feelings. Mum had also said something that indicated she didn’t want to hang on either.

It's an entirely normal and understandable thought. I hoped for my grandmother's death. Her last few years were spent as an angry, skeletal, demented shell. My DF described her death in his message to family as "a blessed release".

It's not bad at all. My mother was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive towards me as I was growing up. When she died it was as if my life began. I also felt a great sense of relief when my grandparents died. My grandfather was a horrible man and my grandmother had become severely physically and mentally disabled after a huge stroke.

I only wish we were able to talk more openly about these things.

I really don't know how to start this but I will also be relieved when my parents die. Unlike most of the PPs, my parents are mid 80s and in good health for their age. Unfortunately, that doesn't stop my DM constantly moan about all her ailments and almost revel in them. My DF has gradually fallen into this mode and now between them, my DMs health is a constant topic of conversation even if they meet someone they don't know that well. They only need to say "hi, how are you?" and they get a full breakdown of exactly how she is, how she has been, what tests/scans she has had and is waiting for. It is so very draining and I've just had enough. She only has the usual ailments for someone her age - has never been seriously I'll.
The backstory is that we've not been emotionally close for many years, although we can both pretend to be. It dates back to my parents divorce so my DF is actually my step dad. He's lovely and has been brilliant over the years and I try to remember that. But I so envy my friends whose parents are alive and enjoy a genuine close relationship with them. I've never had that. But thankfully I do with my DD and DS.
To say you'll not be sorry when they're no longer with you seems so wrong. But I feel they drain any joy out of me after a visit. I dread visits/calls.
I'm sorry to hear that a lot of you feel like this due to your parents alcoholism and other serious problems and I feel almost even more guilty that I don't have that valid "reason". Thankfully DH understands my feelings and sympathises.
Phew, that was a relief to get that off my chest.

It's normal, as every PP has said. Death, when it comes, is a release if the last few years have been a torment of worry and poor health. DMIL passed away last year after several years of decline, via vascular dementia, heart problems and chronic fibromyalgia. Six weeks in an acute orthopaedic trauma ward with a fractured femur and multiple post-op infections left her completely disorientated and emaciated, and she died a few hours after being returned to her care home.

Only someone who’s not been in this situation would think it unreasonable OP.

Like lots of comments above, something needs to be done to prioritise quality of life over quantity. And no thought ever seems to be given to the quality of life that the carer is living.
We used to get old, then ill and die. Now we get old and ill and live another 10 years, sometimes modern medicine has a lot to answer for!

I felt the same way - but unable to voice my thoughts - when dad was diagnosed with dementia and given drugs to “slow it down”. Dementia is incurable. It’s only going one way. “Slowing it down” only means the person and their family have to live longer with the anxiety and the confusion and the rest of it. Even when dad was admitted to hospital seriously unwell with a condition unrelated to his dementia, mum was most concerned that he still got the “slowing it down” drugs.