Faking a relationship with elderly parent

[Pippypolly]

My mums 86. There’s a long back story going back my whole adult life, including periods of NC because of her appalling behaviour (behind closed doors). I’ve had lots of therapy in the past to deal with this.

Nowadays I ring her about 1 - 2 times a week, visit her once a month for a couple of days as she lives a long way from me. I sort out her online shopping, banking, do her forms, organise handymen, etc. No personal care or anything like that.

We chat amiably enough mostly (you’d never guess the horrific dramas are she’s put me through if you saw us together), but it feels so fake for me, and I dislike the calls especially. I try now to keep conversation and topics light, and I increasingly keep my emotional distance, but it’s an effort for me with the regular contact and I don’t like the fakeness IYKWIM.

How do other people deal with this kind of thing?

PS I wouldn’t mind if this was a new thing simply brought on by age, but it’s not.

Same here. I'm relatively low contact with DM. I find her exhausting and draining.

I ran myself into the ground during the pandemic trying to cope with a bereavement, DF being ill and what made it really worse was DM's constant attention seeking and drama manufacture.

I have signed up for counselling and am hoping that will help change the way I think about things because it was all going round and round in my head.

I phoned her recently having just run a half marathon which took me a long time to train for and I really put a lot of effort into. She didn't once say well done but just demanded to know how I'd got on (this is so she can boast about it). Then she asked if I'd really managed to finish it!

Yes, family is mostly just grief.

My mum was lovely to me but I don't enjoy her company at all any more. I do the minimum after having had a breakdown attempting to be her carer. Can you minimise the so-called social contact? It's terribly draining.

in fact, if you can outsource any of it, I recommend it.

Yeh same with me..... I often say I mourned for my Dad 10 years ago and when he goes now I won't care. I can honestly say that I won't.

In the last 10-15 years he has been a complete A*sehole if I'm honest.

Hes treated everyone like complete crap.

My wife doesn't speak to him - his fault.
My kids don't see him - his fault.
I don't speak to my brother - his fault as well.

He expects everyone to bow down and let him do what he wants.

I visit him pretty much once a week and hate it. I come home so angry because of what he tries to pull.
He tried to grab me and hug me when I'm there and its just makes me feel sick.
With him its all a means to get what he wants. Keep me onside and tell me how good I am to him.

I wish I had to strength to cut him off completely but I don't.

My widowed mother (90) lives at home on her own with Alzheimer’s. She has no friends. Her two older siblings and their spouses are dead but they never bothered much with her anyway.

I do the bare minimum, mainly to make the carers’ lives easier and to take pressure off Social Services. I drop food and medication off in the evenings when she is asleep. I pay the cleaner, who has her own key, online. If I organise a tradesperson (rare) I ask my DC1 to be present so I don’t have to be. My other DC does her gardening. I haven’t seen her since Christmas Eve last year when I paid a duty visit and got ranted at.

It’s not the Alzheimer’s doing the ranting, she was always a nasty piece of work. Her face contorted with rage on Christmas Eve and it reminded me of how she’d look when she went off the deep end when I was a child. As a child I was frightened and conciliatory- but on Christmas Eve, I simply walked out. I won’t see her again unless I really can’t avoid it.

I struggle with seeing my DF, he has always been self centered and a bully. I divorced my exh who DF liked very much (more than me) and I was given a message via DM that I was nit to mention the divorce in his presence and he wanted nothing to do with it. One of the hardest things anyone goes through in their life and once again he wasn't there for me. Yet he expected me to help him when he got sectioned and phoned me being abusive telling me I wasn't fing food enough when I was struggling with getting him moved. I have never felt loved or cared about and DM admitted he should have never been a father. He didn't want children. Yet therr I was fighting his corner to prove I am a better person than him and what ge says I am. Now he's moved I visit on my terms when I feel like it. It makes me so angry when people say oh it's the dementia its not its who he was before just he cant hide it behind closed doors. I dont know how I will feel when he goes I think ive already mourned for the father I wanted

My father died 20 years ago but I will never forget his bullying and violence. I could never understand why he beat me if he loved me..therefore he must have hated me. I had no feelings when he died. So much needless sadness created by parents.

I am glad to have found this thread

Much the same for me too. I have no idea how I got sucked into the role I have looking after my 90 year old mother, sorting out clothing, food, her heating, bills,DLA, hospital appointments etc. I should have backed off.

Making decisions about whether to go to A & E or whatever when needed.

I totally draw the line at personal care and sleeping over.

I have given her more thought and consideration than she ever gave me.

All her friends/church/carers think she is marvellous.

I don’t even like her.

I try to let it all wash over me but then sit in a rage of resentment re traumatising myself over various things that happened/didn’t happen when I was young and I hate myself for that too

it is so complicated now.

{@Celticdawn5 Do you have your own family too? Thats one thing my Dad never understands that I have other commitments and I can't spend 100% time on him. He hates it.....

Im an older Dad (mid 50s got a 10 year old). I remember telling my Dad wife was pregnant. He flew into a rage "what did you do that for?" "whats the matter with you?". Yeh thanks for the congratulations Dad.

I realised after he was annoyed because here I was bringing another item into my family that needed my attention and took my focus off him.

You can imagine how hes treated my daughter. I'd visit and he'd ignore her. We'd go out for a drive and she'd want to go in the park for 10 mins and he'd demand to be taken home. She's not seen him for 2 years or so now and I'm not forcing her.

My dad was physically and emotionally abusive (died in 2015) and my mum was 2 different people (1. a wonderfully loving and generous mother and 2. a controlling, narcissistic and emotionally abusive dictator) and I grew up very confused; lots of FOG - MN has helped me recognise that. My relationship with her, in her later years, was very fake.

She died just 3 months ago and I am in the midst of a very complex grieving situation which I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Now though, after 'gaining freedom' from 2 deficient parents, I now have my mum's 2nd husband to deal with and the stress of a fake relationship with him.

He sought (and gained) my help and support when she treated him poorly over the years but totally turned on me whenever my mum told lies and exaggerated any conflict between us (I was ALWAYS wrong - you know the story). Since she died he has even accused me of stealing from her but expects me to be at his beck and call when he wants to see me. I think I remind him of my mum as we look alike and have similar mannerisms so sometimes, being with me makes him feel closer to her. However, his presence in my life actively upsets me rather than soothes me but still, I retain the fakeness; the smiles, support kindness, welcome me into my home.

I hate this part of myself as if I am unable to stand up for myself and say No! But my mum did such a number on me, I've been programmed to do what I'm told for fear of reprisal.

Rereading what I've written here makes me sound quite pathetic for a 52 year old, otherwise pretty successful woman with a lovely family, happy marriage and good career. But my life in forever marred by this.

Sorry to offload

@paulfoel
yup.
trying to juggle elderly parent,look after 2 pre school grandchildren two days a week to help with childcare, work 2 days a week myself (luckily in a job with flexibility) and maintain tenuous relationship with husband.
certainly not going to give up work or see the grandchildren as that’s what’s keeping me going overall.
I sometimes declare that I’m going to run away and join a circus!

I would agree not to force your daughter to see your father. I made that mistake with mine. I just thought it important for her to know that she had a grandfather and I faked my relationship with him too, I rage at myself for that too. He was a bastard bully.

Yeh Dad has never shown any interest in his grandkids ever. They've always seemed to me as if he considers them to be "in the way" a bit.

More than once I took my daughter and hes said "Oh you brought her". He forgets her name all the time and calls her "the little girl". Great eh?

So now he asks to see them I think hang on you've done this. I know its just a tick box exercise for him. Seen grandchildren tick.

For their birthdays he give me £20 and says "can you get them a card from me as well?" £20.

My dad beat me but later in life I found out that his dad beat him and his siblings. He knew no better and parents got away with beating their kids in the 70s .Thankfully I've broken the chain .

This is such a sad thread!!

I have a 'duty' relationship with a sibling who is totally innocuous, but I still find myself resenting it sometimes. I think what makes it worse is that another sibling has totally ducked out of the whole situation, and their involvement could have helped spread the load.

I can't imagine how it must feel when it's your parent, and they're toxic. Hugs to all.

My mother passed away 2 years ago and I can relate to a lot of these posts.

I did a lot more for her after my father died than I thought she deserved, given my upbringing, but I am now glad I did because I feel no guilt knowing I did my best.

I had tried NC a few times but to be honest I felt like a terrible person and it affected my relationship with other family members.

I felt more pity than love in her later years but I now try and remember the happier times.

Didn’t know about FOG, I’ll definitely have a look at that.

Am I only one that worries that they won't be sad when their parent goes?

As some of you might have seen my other threads, hes been awful to me for 20 years. I feel like I mourned his passing years ago and now I'm just waiting for him to go.

I'm dreading the funeral because my brother will be there who I don't speak to and, based on past experience, hes bound to cause a scene.

I'm also dreading the will - Dad has it at 50/50 for everything with brother and I but brother has already said hes moving into the flat when Dad goes because "I've got a house and he rents". Theres not enough savings for him to buy me out my share and, due to previous "issues" theres no way he'd get a mortgage.

Can guarantee he'll see it as his right to have the flat. I've told Dad that if really wants it to be 50/50 then he needs to add something to say that neither of us can move in and deprive the other. Yeh not interested.

I can see me having to either lose it or get legal action taken.

OP, you have choices, as does everyone. You don't have to phone or visit anyone if you don't want to. This concept of "duty" is nonsense. Just do whatever is best for you.

You do not need to maintain any relationship with this man, you don't owe him anything, cut him out of your life.

Thank you @FannyFifer I'm working on it