Stubborn mum

[EMGEMG]

Hoping someone can offer some helpful advice!

My mum is 76 and has always been a very stubborn person. However, with age she seems to be getting worse. My nan (her mum) was similar and very hard work. Having seen the massive impact that behaviour had on my mum I'm very worried I'm going to be beaten down by this personality trait too.

Anyway, despite being rushed into hospital repeatedly over the years with extremely high blood pressure she still tries to avoid taking her medication. My step-dad - who recently had a heart attack and a string of cardiac arrests during stent procedures - should be keeping an eye on her but he has his limits. Also, my mum doesn't listen to a single soul - no one. Regardless of the impact on those around her.

This has always been part of her character. I've found ways of dealing with it in the past (largely putting up strong boundaries and emotionally detaching myself) but now she's growing old and I'm the main carer, I'm going to be the one who would have to deal with her worsening health while supporting my step-dad.

I'm single, struggling to pay my bills at the moment and no longer have savings thanks to the cost of living.

I also have ME (chronic auto-immune condition) so I'm fatigued most of the time. So I'm looking at a future where her behaviour could cause me a lot of financial and health problems for me. If I'm too sick to work, I'll have no money coming in - benefits don't cover much of my living costs at all and there's no support for ME sufferers (thanks to a lack of medical knowledge in the UK).

I'm sure my mum has been living with a severe mental health issue for most of my life which explains her disinterest in how she hurts other people through her stubbornness. She doesn't care that her hearing aid doesn't work and seems to prefer not hearing her own family and forcing us to shout to make ourselves heard. NOT talking to her doesn't make any different either - she doesn't seem to care.

She ignores anyone who tries to explain how difficult it is when she behaves so awfully, including her own children. She's always been like this which has made me always question her mental health.

I am currently handling her medical appointments (my step-dad is still recovering from his recent health issues) as she refuses to see a GP, complaining that they're all rubbish nowadays and there's no point. I ignore her and book her appointments anyway so they can keep an eye on her health.

There's no way she'd ever consider having any psychological tests - I haven't got the strength to even address that issue.

All that said (it's a lot!), she can also be smart, supportive in a practical way, funny and a joy to be around, but the dark side is very difficult to handle.

With all of that in mind, can anyone offer any advice?

Get social services involved.
I can tell you from our own experience that the only way to get SS involved is to let your motner fail. You must take a step back before it affects you.
Make sure she has a will in place, and has signed both LPA’s.

You do know you don’t have to look after her? You have all of the power. E.g. Say mum you need to take your tablets and if she refuses walk away and let her be ill.
That sounds very harsh, but she is an adult you can’t make her do anything; just decide on your own boundaries.

I'm so sorry, it sounds exhausting and must be an immense burden for you to carry.

For your own wellbeing though, I echo what the previous posters have said. You can't change the way that your mother is - all you can change is how you react to it. Sometimes a crisis has to happen before the right level of help and support can be found.

You can step back, in the knowledge that you have tried and that your attempts have not succeeded, nor even welcomed. In the moment, you can simply say "That's your choice, mum." and step back. For subsequent complaints about her situation "That was your choice, mum. It's your decision." and step back.

You can help her with the things she will accept if that doesn't put you under too much pressure, and leave her to the consequences of her poor choices with everything else.

You can't set yourself on fire to keep your mother warm. Your mother's right to health, happiness and wellbeing does not trump your own. Please look after yourself. I have seen people whose lives have been utterly ruined by the demands of an elderly and always-unkind 'parent' who will never, ever be satisfied (I don't mean elderly people who are ill and cannot help it). I have a friend who has run her own very successful business for over 30 years - she sits shaking and crying in her car for ages, steeling up the courage to take her (physically elderly but no apparent cognitive decline) mum's shopping in to her; she gets nothing but the screaming abuse she's had all her life from the moment the front door opens. It's destroyed her, but she feels she cannot step back. Awful.

You might like to look at the Cockroach Cafe threads on here (Latest one: The Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Spring 2023 | Mumsnet). They are for people who find themselves in situations like yours. They are kind, supportive and friendly and a space where your voice will be heard by people who know what it's really like.

You sound like a nice, caring person. Please look after yourself. Every good wish to you. x

What do children owe their parents?

You might find this interesting, OP.

Thank you for your advice. This sounds drastic, doesn't it? I understand SS are very difficult to manage - I'm in Suffolk which is massively underresourced. So it might make life even harder if I'm running around after SS as well as my parents. Mum won't do a will - she's refusing to do so. Always has refused.

Thanks for your reply. It's not that simple. There are clearly mental health issues involved which makes everything a lot more complex. She's an adult, but mental health issues impact her thought processes. But being of her generation, admitting to vulnerabilities is unacceptable.

Appreciate your caring response.

It's so tricky. I don't have a relationship with my dad as he's abusive. He almost destroyed me and as soon as I stepped away, my life became easier. But he's left a damaging legacy. Anyway, that's another story but I'm fully aware of how parents' behaviour can be massively destructive and I know how to step back.

But my relationship with my mum is largely ok, but there are mental health issues impacting and influencing her behaviour. I suspect she's undiagnosed BPA and bipolar - at least. We've had lots of crises over the years already and it hasn't changed her behaviour. I do think her mental health is at the root of the many crises I've been dragged through. I've stepped back in the past, but if my step-dad dies before she does, I'm in trouble.

You say "I'm very worried I'm going to be beaten down by this personality trait too". Can I respectfully suggest you get some counselling to help you manage your relationship with your mother? She does have the right to make decisions that others might consider "unwise or eccentric", and I can't see how or why her choices would end up impacting your health or finances unless you allow them to.

I appreciate this is a very tough for you - it's easy to be objective as an outsider, but you are dealing with your actual mum. You can't change her, you must have been trying for years, so maybe it's time to step back and focus a little on yourself.

She may, or may not, have a mental health disorder - and still be awkward and difficult DESPITE that, not because of it. And even if she does have a diagnosable condition, it's not a get out of jail free card so I don't think excusing her difficult behaviour by blaming a possible mental disorder is going to help you deal with the situation.

She is making her own choices and so long as everyone dances to her tune and picks up the pieces, why should she make different choices?

As PP said, you won't change her or her behaviour - she's had a lifetime of it. All you can change is your own response to it. Decide what you are prepared to do, and if necessary explain that to her. It's then up to her what she does with that information.

She could live for another 20 years. That’s 20 years of declining physical and mental health and getting more and more nasty. 20 years for you to try to help her and get your kindness thrown in your face.
I agree with PPs, you need to start withdrawing right now. You’re not responsible for her, and if you keep trying to be her carer she’ll destroy your own health and wellbeing.

How able is she? Can she cook, wash, dress, clean....You could introduce a home help for some tasks. Does she claim Attendance Allowance, or yourself Carer's Allowance? Sometimes benefits can be a road into a proper assessment. Make sure her G.P knows of the problems, in particular about her non compliance with mrdication. A District Nurse / S.W can help with claiming benefits. Is your Stepfather safe? Sorry to ask but there can be a lot of hidden problems in these situations.Elder abuse can occur between couples.

'That sounds very harsh, but she is an adult you can’t make her do anything; just decide on your own boundaries.'

It's very harsh, but also true. My heart goes out to you OP. My MIL was very similar. Didn't do a single thing to help herself, neglected her own health to the point of self-harm, refused to engage with anything that could have made life easier for herself. It's just soul destroying to be around

Very good advice to get Social Care involved. There is just no way you can manage this on your own, and no reasonable person would expect you to