Downsizing

[Howtotalksoyourparentslisten]

My parents are mid 70’s and until now have lived several hundred miles away. They’re talking about moving closer to us, but are insistent that they need a house the same size as they currently have (massive 5 bed with 1/3 acre garden). In theory this is a great idea - we get to see them more, they see their grandchildren, and there are lots of social groups etc for people of their age where we live so they should relatively easily find friends (although Dad is very antisocial, but my Mum is a keen knitter and so will find a group etc.)
There are just 2 issues - firstly they want to buy a house VERY close to us. We live on a new build estate that is not yet finished. The final part of the estate are really big houses and they want one of these. They’d be less than 100m from us which I don’t really want - we’ve got a lovely group of friends here and are really settled and I don’t want them parachuting into that. I realise that sounds really horrible. There are no shortage of houses where we live that would be suitable for them - even if they do buy one that is as big as they currently have - and money is not an issue, we live in a much cheaper part of the country than they are moving from, so they could easily find somewhere a tiny bit further away but they want that particular new build. It’s not to be near us - they are not bothered about that at all - they just want a new big house and they like this one.

Secondly they are buying in my opinion something that is far far too big. Dad has cancer and there is a reasonable chance he will either be dead or very very frail in 5 years, so buying a massive house and garden just seems crazy, and I am all too aware that I will be the one picking up the pieces in years to come if they can’t manage. Making a smarter choice now would reduce the chance of it all getting too much.

I’ve tried talking to them about it but they just got really angry - they want what they want and won’t see our side. Any advice??

I guess a big house would allow them to have a downstairs bedroom and bathroom installed and live downstairs if necessary.

Can I suggest thought, that you plant the idea of a luxurious bungalow into their heads instead?

Oh, unfortunately this might not be quite so close to ul your house.

Could it even be built to order for them? For example there's a German company called Huf Haus that builds houses to order but they are pretty much done when they arrive. They send fitters over to the UK . That's an old Grand Designs TV programme where an older couple uses them. About 20 years ago I think. Other kit type houses are available

You did say money was not a problem and they could enjoy getting the perfect house built for then.

Something to think about.

Thankyou - they’re not interested in building their own house sadly, and absolutely will not consider a bungalow. I fully expect that they’re going to just ignore our wishes, buy the house they want and we’ll just have to live with it.

I’m not 100% sure Huf Houses still pass building standard.

OP, directing them towards a large house with space for a bedroom and wet room downstairs is probably your best bet. Maybe get the work done before they move in/specified in the build. Then they can live there for longer.they can always get a cleaner and gardener

I feel for you OP. I've been having an ongoing discussion with one of my DP about their current and future housing needs and arrangements, and I eventually had to step back from it as we just did not agree at all, and I have to accept that it's their choice. Very difficult on the part where yours want to move in practically next door tho!

OP, pick your battles.
Don't oppose them buying a HUGE unsuitable house.
Just dig your heels in about it being 100 metres away.

Ok in principle, but how do you say to parents “I don’t want you living closer than a mile away”? How would you feel if your DC were to say that to you?

I think you need to say that you are worried about how you will cope with a house that size when they start to need help. See what they say - hopefully they'll say they will pay for help rather than relying on you.

But I can see that it's really difficult to say that you don't want them moving so close. I don't have any suggestions for you on that front I'm afraid. But if they do move there, you will need to have very robust personal boundaries.

Ok in principle, but how do you say to parents “I don’t want you living closer than a mile away”? How would you feel if your DC were to say that to you?

Genuinely, I would have no issue saying this or my DC saying it to me. DParents gave us the run around and moved home at 74 over an hour away to somewhere with no public transport when they had already started failing spectacularly health wise.

OP, I’d be brutally hones, but deliver your observations in a cheerful and humorous tone that a mile away is great but 100 metres is just too close. Good to have your family nearby and all that but not quite within sneezing distance…

Do both your parents drive? Are you located on good public transport routes, there might be other suitable properties that have better transport links. I would be trawling Rightmove to find a suitable property a little further from you, but with other benefits like doctors and o other amenities nearby.

PP are right - it's not the size of the house that would worry me particularly, it's access to shops, doctors, the hospital. Is there good public transport? Can you walk to amenities from the estate? If they are going to be reliant on a car THAT is something I would kick up a fuss about - because otherwise you are going to be designated taxi drivers

I've tried this discussion with parents too and got nowhere.
The evidence shows that if you don't downsize when you're still healthy then usually a move is forced by a health crisis. Can you help them understand that a 5 bed house will not be their forever home and presumably that's what they're trying to buy.

My dad insisted on a three storey townhouse which meant that when he had a stroke and became wheelchair bound……. He ended up in a home. Being cared for at home wasn’t an option. Point this out. They’re being really foolish.

I think picking my battles is the way forward but I don’t think they’re going to listen. Psychologically I don’t think they’re ready to actually downsize so won’t move unless they can have the massive house they’re used to and bring all their stuff (so much stuff!). Public transport links from our estate are great, so no worries on that front but equally can’t use it as a reason to move further away from us. We live in a small city so amenities are all very close. Ive tried the Rightmove thing - there are so many houses that are the size and price that they want despite it being ridiculous, all beautifully done out, mature gardens etc. They’re not interested in them though - they want a new house. I have actually told them we don’t want them that close. They’re annoyed and acting like a toddler who has been told they can’t have more sweets - they want THAT house and they don’t care what we think which upsets me - we get on well but are not a really close family and we’ve rubbed along quite well living hundreds of miles apart until now - everyone needs space!!! And the PP who asked how I’d feel if my kids said this, as much as I adore my children I would want space actually. Same town - great. Same street - too close.

Nothing you can do except let them get on with it. You've said your piece but ultimately you have no control over their decision, no matter how ill-considered it might be.

Watching my parents doing this exact same thing was like watching babies playing with razorblades. The stress of moving was so bad I could have sold ringside seats to the fights that broke out.

@AmandaHoldensLips yep, it’s like watching a very slow motion car crash, so frustrating.

In that case, make sure they future-proof it. Make sure at least one entrance is free of steps, there’s a big wetroom downstairs, that they could put in a stairlift.

It all seems so clear in your 50s and 60s. It may not seem so clear when you’re in your 70s with an active life and lots of associated “stuff”.

It’s their choice, full stop. Big house - when the time comes they can pay for help, sounds as if they will have the money. Right on your doorstep - I get that this could be a nightmare so you’ll have to set boundaries from the get go.

In all honesty, having them next door will probably be easier long term than having them hundreds of miles away (been there).

Poor you, I can absolutely understand how you feel. Very tone deaf of your parents not to realise that this move will prove very claustrophobic for you.

Once you're in your mid 70's issues that most forward thinking people would anticipate can happen and completely change things. Hopefully as they're obviously ok financially, then they'll be able to pay for help.

It's not about me, but I can tell you how we dealt with our move/downshift. Our daughter was keen for us to move nearer to them and it coincided with us realising our huge garden would be too much as we got older. So we set the ball rolling in our mid 60's. Instinctively we didn't want to live too near them - they were living on a big new estate on the outskirts of a city, perfect for them, but not for us - after having our country way of life. So compromise was the name of the game, found a modern detached house with a small garden about half an hour away - it was in a village, but has good bus links to the city, doctors, village shop, pub and is on a main road so easy to get out in the winter weather. We've been here happily for over three years now - it's worked well. We see them mainly when we pick up our grandson who we have twice a week and are in constant text contact. But we have our own lives too. We have loads of interests ourselves - volunteering, gardening and other stuff. I like to think we have all enriched each other's lives - we have had the joy of looking after our grandson and can help out when there's an emergency event when he sleeps over (he has his own room here). My daughter has the security of having back-up - they have such busy lives - both hybrid working - and our grandson will start school in September. We'll still help out some holidays.

A by-product was that we also ended up with some equity, which we have offered to our daughter for a move when they want, as we would like to see it re-invested into property.

I think maybe you should have another conversation with them and tell them honestly how you feel. A five bedroom house seems too much at their age. And that's without the fact of being too close to you. I sympathise with you - you're going from one extreme to another - a mid-way compromise would be good. Unfortunately your parents don't sound particularly emotionally intelligent.

I totally understand that parents can do what they like, we can't dictate etc., but oh my god it's frustrating when they do huge things that just aren't logical! My parents sold their large house with annexe and beautiful garden and bought tiny a two-bedroom . . . it made total sense to downsize, but the house they bought is awful - one of the bedrooms looks out onto the neighbours roof so it's basically a wall of orange roof tiles (you can't even see sky!) and both bedrooms are really small - no room for wardrobes and drawers etc. The garden is tiny with artificial grass, and it's miles to walk into town. Plus, it's not a bungalow, so as a retirement house it's not going to work. The cherry on top is that they spent an absolute fortune doing it up to their (non-mainstream!) taste - and instead of having a pot of money to travel and enjoy their retirement, they've spent every penny of what they sold their house for on this small bungalow - and obviously if they do decide to sell, they'll get nowhere near what they've spent on it.

So, as a daughter, I've had to stand by and watch because my gentle concern-raising did not go down well! It's so, so frustrating but at the end of the day, their lives, their money!

I’d be delighted if my (75+) parents wanted to move to my street. It would cut out hours and hours of commuting down the motorway to see them. My DM, in particular, stopped driving anywhere other than very locally during the pandemic and hasn’t got back into it so won’t drive 80 odd miles to me anymore. We’d see more of them day to day and in a much more ‘organic’ way, if that makes sense, rather than trying to cram everything into a bi-weekly visit.
I’d also back them buying whatever house they wanted. Their money, their choice, their lives. The only caveats would be that they buy something that makes them happy, somewhere that could be adapted ( downstairs bed & bath) if it became necessary and somewhere they could buy and maintain without going into debt.
If they didn’t love where they live I’d be on RightMove in a heartbeat. Actually, maybe WE should be the ones moving into their road! 🤔☺️

I'm thinking this about my parents imminent move 200 miles away. We've had to agree to disagree. They'll be fine but I'm really worried about their cat in all this.

You can’t stop them and it sounds like they are adamant. It is a bad idea though.

My parents should have/could have downsized twenty years ago but one parent refused. Now they are struggling maintaining the garden and with no downstairs loo. There is too much stuff for them to face doing it now.

All you can hope is that they don’t sell theirs in time to get the new build! The market is funny at the moment, in my area anyway, and houses are sticking.

Fine. I’d actually be asking them first if it would cause any issues and be very hesitant

Why not tell them you are thinking of moving yourself?

I can understand how you feel. You don't want your parents living so close to you. Then buying a big house with a big garden at this stage is not practical either. You don't want to be that close to them because you know they will expect you to come around to do things and be their taxi service.

One of my friends has a parent living in a big family home with garden a few miles from the nearest town. A few years ago my friend had to listen to the same parent complaining about the work the house needed and the garden. They suggested to the parent that they could sell this house and buy something smaller in the town. The parent was not to happy with their suggestion.
So now a few years later the home improvements have taken place. It getting hard to manage the garden so they have to find people and pay for help with this. Meanwhile the parent is slowing down and has some memory loss. It also possible that the parent may lose their driving licence due to sight issues in time. Their is a local bus service so my friend is trying to get the parent to use this now. My friend is doing this so the parent can have some independence if they are unable to drive later.
My friend said that it not easy and they can see the problems that may come later.

In your case I would ask your parents why do the need a 5 bed house and a big garden? Ask them who do the garden when they are not able? Show them other house that are more suitable on right move in your local area. Tell them that you want them to be able to live in their new home for as long as possible so you should all look at houses together.
A downstairs bedroom and a wet room are important at this stage. A place without a load of steps or as flat an area as possible around the house also. Tell them a new build estate could have a lot of young families and noise which they may not like.

I look for a 3 bed as it gives them an option of having a room each and they can have someone stay overnight down the line if they get to the stage of needing care.